Dear J

I don’t know if you’ll get this but if you do please read it. I only want a chance to apologise to you and to seek forgiveness, nothing more.

The past isn’t sitting well with me and I really need to try and fix it if that’s possible.  I’m writing this letter as by chance and completely out the blue, I was reminded of you the other week which hit me hard. It was the Human League, Electric Dreams to be precise; it all came back… I was horrible, there’s no denying that. I was selfish and hurtful, traits that I look back on and feel ashamed. It reduced me tears and I realised that some things  

I’m sorry that I strung things out for so long all those years ago, I was scared… Hurting you directly was the last thing I wanted to do.  So, and to my shame, I just fed you a little bit hurt each day.  I really wasn’t aware how horrible that was, I was weak and scared and not strong enough to deal things before it was too late, the truth be told I didn’t want it to end and that was selfish of me,  I didn’t know what to do for the best, it was a perfect storm almost, Hurting you was the easy option and I took it. I hated the fact that I could do that to anyone least of all someone whom I loved.  I loved the times we shared and the laughs we had. I truly regret hurting you.

I’m sorry for contributing to the despair of an already sad girl at that time. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy and in the end I made things worse. I failed to realise, and only in hindsight do I see, that by restricting you in this way, even though the times we shared were amazing, I was draining you of that amazing spirit that you have, I was selfish… I’m sorry.  

I’m sorry for treating you the way I did.  We all make choices in our lives that we come to regret and hurting you is my cross to bear and mine alone. I’m sorry.  

Finally, (you’ll be glad to hear and if you got this far I’m truly happy!) I’m sorry that despite everything that’s happened, I still miss strawberry cheesecake ice cream,  Chai tea, cinnamon swirls, cheese and grapes and McDonalds drive through… You always said it would end in tears and it did, we were each others escape perhaps… For that and everything, I’m sorry.    

I know I may never hear from you again, I just wanted to wish you a truly fantastic life in absolutely everything you do. You deserve so much because you really are a truly unique and special girl. For me I think, there will always be a piece of my heart with your name on it.  My biggest regret is that I never told you sooner…

D cz