Emotional attachment is something I have dealt with my entire life. Needless to say now, as you’ve already discovered how deeply aggressive my pain could be. Beneath all of the hurt and the anger and the abandonment monster that would’ve torn us to shreds even if you didn’t have to move, I knew that I had gone into our relationship with a very unhealthy and toxic mindset.
I’ll always love you in some way or another. That fact is irrefutable. But I was more attached to you than I was *in* love. You provided me with solace and safety and care. You cared about me. You looked out for me. You made me feel beautiful and worthy. And you chose to end it because you loved me, and I was too blind with despair to see that you were not only sparing yourself, but also sparing me, a world of hurt unlike anything I’ve ever known. I wanted so badly for you to be the one to fix me. I wanted you to look out for me. I wanted for you to be my cure. I wanted you to keep making me feel beautiful and worthy. But I asked myself one day, “What did I do for him?” I took and I took and I took without stopping to understand that you were never supposed to give me any of those things.
I love you, Alex. I still do, in some way or another. That fact is irrefutable.
But my attachment to you imposed a need for you to prove to me that I was worthy as a person. Instead of confronting my own issues and working toward an inner peace that only I could attain for myself, I used you as a crutch to improve my self esteem and fill a void within me. I imposed on you the responsibility of making me happy, and when you were unable to provide that, I felt lost. I felt hopeless. I felt like a victim. I felt desperate. I felt like a junkie.
I, I, I and never you. I took advantage of your love for me. I wrung it dry until it manifested into a sentence I never would have imagined myself saying to anyone – least of all you.
I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. I’ll never in my life hate or regret you. Because you are the catalyst that ignited a fire in me to see who I really was.
An emotional deficit in me manifested multiple times throughout our relationship into acts of attempted control over you by means of emotional manipulation. That is something I regret wholeheartedly and is something I deeply apologize for. You were put into a really difficult situation and all I could do was use my pain to cause you pain by making you feel bad for something that you had no control over – sometimes for things you had no knowledge of. I expected so much from you and, in turn, whether it was with over the top attention, care and gifts or with snide remarks and side comments, I used my all-encompassing neediness to attempt to hold power over you so that you wouldn’t abandon me. I tried to manipulate you into staying with me using whatever method worked best. I was jealous of your friends, of your job, even of your family. I couldn’t handle the fact that you wouldn’t spend the time with me that I desired.
In my mind, whenever you left, I was counting down in my head until the next time I would get to see you, because I knew you would eventually not be around anymore and I felt that that was severely unfair to me because I thought I got the short end of the stick. I was attempting to fix a deep internal scar within myself by projecting that onto you in a very, very selfish and possessive and controlling manor. I was under the control of my emotions, and I gave in to the fear and the anger and the hurt, and I will always regret every single thing I’ve ever said to make you feel like a terrible person. I will always regret not loving you unconditionally, as you are. As you loved me.
I was unable to accept that you were making the right choice for the both of us. I thought that if I just made the effort necessary to be as present in the relationship as you deemed fit, that I would be able to keep you…
Keep you… like my own personal security blanket.
Every time I watched you go, I would feel my heart emptying, like a gasoline tank. I knew it killed you. I knew you could see it in my eyes and hear it in my small voice. It was a knee jerk reaction. “My only reason for happiness is leaving me again.” That is what I would think. There was no room for growth, no room for empowerment and nourishment. There was only greed. It was only about how many times I would get to see you and touch you and breathe in your scent in a week. You were my fix. You were my drug. You were my emotional repairman. I was afraid of your love for me dying, and I kept picturing you with someone else… happy, content, fulfilled. I knew you would love her with the same intensity that you did me – even more so – and because of that fact, I refused to let you go. I refused to come to terms with the fact that, logically, I knew I would heal with time, and would eventually get over my obsession for you.
I cared so much, it drove me to tears wanting to text you over and over to apologize for what I said and take it all back. Despite the hurt, despite the anger, despite all the nights of crying myself to sleep and not eating and feeling like I hated you for it, I still felt for you. I felt for you so strongly. I still loved you with every fiber of my being and I wanted to apologize for my actions.
That’s what this letter is for. I could never be as articulate at defining the entirety of my despair in person. I wouldn’t be able to focus on all the details. I needed time. I needed space. I needed to heal and to start to accept myself as someone capable and worthy and self reliant. I needed to sort through the pain so that I could get to this place that I am now: a place where I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was in a very very VERY dark and unhealthy place after I sent you those words. So this is my letter of apology. My letter of deeply personal truth. My letter of closure.
I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I was in love with you, for however brief a time it was. I will always care about you, Alex. Your well being is just as important as mine. You happiness is just as important as mine. And I’m glad you never gave in to my monster.
I know that the time that’s passed isn’t a long time at all, but I’ve really gotten to know myself. I’ve gotten to meditate and reflect on my mental state and I can honestly say that I’ve been the happiest I think I’ve ever been. Being alone and liking it has been so therapeutic, it’s a mystery I was ever depressed at all.
Real love doesn’t fall off. It stays with you forever. At least, that’s what I believe. And I know I will always have a special place for you in my heart. I will still remember how happy you made me. I will still care about you and I will still miss you. But no matter what, I will be happy, as you will too, and we will be okay, wherever we are and with whomever we are with.
I wish you the very very best in everything you do, Alex. You deserve to be happy.