These past few months without you have been both the worst and best experience of my life. Sounds crazy, and it probably is, but I’ve learned so much about myself and the world around me. The one thing i learned most about was love, and what exactly love is, and I know for a fact that I am in love with you and i probably will be forever.
Love is singing our lungs out to Ed Sheeran together, victory buffet dates in sweatpants and constant fights over who has to choose the movie we watch on Netflix. Love is about being able to give every single part of yourself to someone else, and being fully accepted. You saw every part of me, the good and the bad, and still loved me regardless. You saw my ugly snapchats that I’d never show anyone else, you saw the real smile I’d get just looking at you, and you saw the tears. You were there when no one else was for me, and I still can’t thank you enough for that.
You showed me a lot about love, and how to love. Love is trying to force myself to fall for someone new but not being able to forget the sound of my name coming from your mouth. Love is sitting out in the freezing rain to watch your football games because I loved being able to say that the guy who just ran half the field to score a touchdown was my boyfriend. And love certainly is sharing pizza pockets in your living room after school. and even though love may be all of these things, it’s also a lot of tears and hurt.
When i knew with absolute certainty that I loved you with every inch of my soul, wasn’t the moment that we shared your bed for after school naps or the times when you’d offer to carry me home from school because i would say my legs were broken, it was when i was laying on my bathroom floor shaking because you didn’t want me anymore. That was the moment that I knew I was entirely in love with this boy and there was not a doubt in my mind. So yes, love is happiness and laughing till our stomachs hurt and dancing along to our favourite songs, but it’s also a lot of pain and hurt and suffering.
And even though these past few months have been hell, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant i got to experience the love i did with you. You weren’t only my lover but my best friend. I still remember the first time you kissed me and thinking, “fuck, this is it” because from that moment I knew that this boy would be my world. It came so naturally with you. Sometimes I like to tell myself that our love was so quick and passionate that we burned right through it. and sometimes i also like to tell myself that maybe one day in the far future we’d see each other in a coffee shop and fall back in love like we were when we were 15. Maybe someday will be the right time, or maybe in another lifetime.
I still have that tiny bit of hope that maybe one day I’ll have another chance to get it right. I’m sorry i couldn’t have the first time. If it was possible to go back in time and tell myself to open my fucking eyes and see that the boy I could spend the rest of my life with was right in front of me, I would. But sadly I can’t, so for now, I wish you the absolute best. You taught me so much, and I thank you for that. I think I’ll always be in love with you. I’ll always be waiting by my phone to see a text from you saying “I want to try again”. and the one thing I want most is for you to be happy. I’m trying to get there myself, and I will one day.
I miss every single part about you and I wish it was possible to start over. I want to be the reason that you smile because that was the greatest feeling in the world. Can’t you see how bad I want to make you happy again? Everything in this world reminds me of you. Driving past places we used to go makes my stomach drop, hearing a song that reminds me of you makes my heart sink, but thinking about all of our memories can still make my cells dance. I still daydream about spending this summer together and having picnics in the park and dancing on the beach and not being able to get enough of each other. I daydream about us being so in love that the words “I love you” are nothing compared to what we feel. I think i daydream too much for my own good.
Through this experience I’ve also learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that i need to be better, in many different ways. I need to show my love before it’s too late. I need to think about the consequences to my words and actions. I need to laugh louder and love deeper because life is too fucking short to be worrying about what others think. So i hope you sing as loud as you can and fall in love with the quiet girl in the back of the class and do what makes you happy, regardless of what others think. I’ve also learned that I don’t have the power to make someone love me. I can’t go into someones mind and change their thoughts on me. I can’t force you to have the same feelings that I do. I can’t change the circumstances, but I can change my outlook on them. I’m going to take every experience, the good and the bad, and learn and grow from them. Never take anything in your life for granted because it can be gone before you know it.
Why can’t love just be simple? Well, I guess that would make it boring. Because love is so many things. It’s happiness and fear and uncertainties and laughing and crying and everything in between. You wanted more from me, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t give that to you at the time. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry i threw away something that could have been so amazing. I’m sorry for a lot of things but most of all I’m sorry that I couldn’t have realized all of this earlier. Picking up the pieces of what we had and holding onto those memories that I still have of us is what hurts me now. I love you. I always have. I always will. And I am saying this with complete certainty that I am in love with you and everything about you. I’m sorry.