You were the first. The first who ever told me they loved me, the first I had ever loved back. I was so young and looking back at it, pretty naive as well. I was in a very dark place, but you were the light at the end of the tunnel. But even as I walked, ran, to your light I felt you grow farther and farther away from me. I think the sad thing is that you weren’t running. You were being pushed away by things so annoyingly out of out control; time, distance, and other people who would never, and could never understand us. That was the hardest part.
Having to give up and walk away when ending things between us wasn’t either of our decisions. It was so hard for so long. And each day I tried to get over it, tried to force myself in love with someone new… But he wasn’t you and I was never really ok. But then one day we spoke. Like old friends. It was bittersweet. Even though I was just so happy that you were back in my life again, I guess there was a little spark of hope in my heart that our love would just resume. But as we talked, I realized that you had taken the same route I had; distraction. You found someone else to fall asleep with. To laugh and cry with and talk about your day with. And it still hurts but I could never be mad because I did the same. However, the difference between the two of us is that when you came back into my life, I left him. I was still yours and nothing had changed in that sense.
Unfortunately, you continued the charade with her and let’s be real, we both know she isn’t the one. I bet she’s very sweet. I hope she treats you kindly. But the fact that I wasn’t a good enough reason for you to be true to yourself will always hurt. Despite all of this, you will always be so incredibly important to me and I know for a fact that I will always get that feeling in my heart when I think of you. Because like I said, you were the first. The first to love me, and the first to break my heart. You will always be the one who exposed me to this world of dead butterflies in my tummy and tear stained pillows. The realization of this hurts. A lot.
But I don’t want to end my letter on this note. I want you to know that I don’t hate you and that I’m trying my best to move on. I want you to know that I wish you the happiest life in the world. I want you to know that even though I will try to carry on with my life, if our paths cross and the time is right, I’m yours. Because you were different. And even though everyone tries to convince me differently, what we had WAS real. And when something’s real, it doesn’t go away. Even if it dies, the memory of it’s existence is enough to pull you back in. I wish I could tell you that I will sit here and wait for you, but that’s not reality. That’s not life. Life is going out and finding yourself, making mistakes, learning, and honestly, it probably includes getting your heart broken a couple more times at least. So I’m going to go out and live. I’m going to experience everything, and if our love is as important and special as I thought it to be, we will find eachother.