It’s been almost a year since we broke up and I thought i’d be over it by now. Sometimes I think I am – I can go days without thinking about you, or I can go weeks where thinking about you doesn’t hurt but it’s just more of an, “Oh I wonder what you’re still up to/would think about this/if you still do that thing”. But lately I feel like im getting worse and i think i should talk to a pysch and to be honest i probably will (even though this isnt a real problem and so many people have it worse but right now i feel like i cant function). But right now, even though i think most things in my life are going way better than expected, I feel like absolute crap and its because of you. Because I miss you…or, the idea of you. The idealised version of you that my rose-coloured glasses are seeing.

I’m doing really well, you know. I’m finally studying and i love my course and the people in it – the work is new and challenging but im getting good marks. I got my license – our friends have told me you dont have yours yet…with my newfound freedom to drive wherever I want I’ve been able to start going to the gym, and i love it so much that im going about 5 times a week (I would go more but I dont have the time). I like my friends, I like my job, the family/home life is great. The kittens are gorgeous and needy for love, and you’ve never met them so at least I have something that I dont associate with you.

But you were two years of my life – not long in the scheme of things, but they were very important years. First love for both of us, first time for me…we came out to our families while together. We lived together for a year…and despite the fact that, in hindsight, I dont think you’re a good/nice person, you still hold sway over me. I still value your opinions so highly that I think it’s the main problem right now. I want you to be proud of me that I can drive now! I want you to be jealous that you can’t. I want you to know that I’m getting fit and feel like crap that you’re not being healthy. I want you to look at my life and think that I have it together and am doing fine without you, and for you to wonder if you’ve improved as much as i have since we’ve broken up. I want to know what you think of me – not as your ex, because you hate me as your ex – you’re horrible to me, to be honest – but as a person. Do you like my nose ring? Do I seem like a good/fun/nice person to you? I dont WANT to want your approval…i hate it.
I hate that I associate almost everything with you. Old things are tinged with memories, I wonder what you’d think of new things that I do – would you like this band? Would you be impressed that I found all these new TV shows without you? (To be fair, I was always better at finding shows…I wonder if you’ve found the same new shows I have?).

It’s just a fucking joke because I don’t WANT to be with you – you weren’t nice to me. You made me feel broken and pressured and wrong wrong WRONG. you dumped me then had the gall to tell me it was my fault! And then to tell me we can never be friends and to send me hurtful messages. One of my friends pointed out that you and I were never friends – we fell straight into a relationship, so we have no friendship to fall back on. Good point, he’s right. I dont WANT anything to do with you, logically. I dont want to care what you’re doing/who you’re doing. I want you to fuck off back to london and stay there on the other side of the world. But that fucking ‘formative’ relationship is sticking with me, so I miss you…maybe not you. I miss being in a relationship, having someone there for me. And you were nice sometimes….in the early days, or when I was stressed/sad…and when I’m feeling like I am now, I forget how shit you made me feel – I forget telling my friends I felt trapped, I forget how you would lash out at me, how you were rude to my friends, all your annoying habits, how i cried myself to sleep for months because everything felt shit, i forget that you would complain about me to friends but then get mad if my friends asked about us. Fuck that noise. I forget all that and instead remember the happy times, and I feel so crap. Maybe I should have written down all the shit stuff so I could remind myself at times like these.

I want to move on and I want to not care about you, to not even think about you. I want to be able to hear your name and think “I hope she’s happy”. But right now that’s not what I want…right now I wish you knew how much Im hurting and to know its your fault. I want to know if youve moved on or not. Do you still think about me?
In truth I dont want your friendship or love or ANYTHING, but I want to know whats going on in your life. And its hypocritical and shitty but I dont care.
I fucking hate this and I hate that you somehow still have this hold over me. Fuck off, fuck right out of my life.