Dear you, my closest friend, my partner in crime:

I’m watching Star Trek right now and without you the experience is something bizarre. How long has it been since you weren’t next to me to swoon over Jadzia or shout “Keiko!” everytime Miles O’Brien appeared on screen?

This house seems quieter and emptier without you. I’m always expecting to hear you ask “how was your day, beeb?” every time i walk through the door. It still startles me when you’re not there. Everything in my room looks a little sharper, more sinister, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to ignore it, this letter keeps writing itself in the back of my brain. You’d think that after losing Branden I’d’ve learned how to say what I need to say while I still have a chance to say it. But I remain as stubborn and prideful as ever, Leo through and through.

I just know there are some things that I truly need to say to you. Some are going to be said too late, but it’s better than never saying them at all. After everything we’ve shared together, I feel like I owe you that much.

I regret the way I treated you the last few weeks. I really do. I regretted it when it was happening, I was just too stubborn or stupid or depressed to apologize. I never told you how much you meant to me, as a lover or as a friend. I was too sad to care. I understand why you wanted to leave. You gave so much for me and I could be so cold. I wish I could take it all back and just hold you instead. I wish i could’ve written you happier letters.

When I was in my darkest times, you made me feel lighter in so many ways. You showed me how loving, supportive, and healthy relationships could be. Being around you was never hard, never anxiety-inducing. It was like a breath of fresh air. I didn’t have to be anyone else to be with you. You made me feel so comfortable, so at home- I have so many good memories with you, and one day I know I’ll look back on them and feel warm inside, not sad like I do now. I would change so much if I could.

we always said that if we broke up it would be the nicest separation ever. but the way we ended things left a horrible taste in my mouth and a sinking pit in my stomach. you meant more to me than that,and i felt so hurt and abandoned. i wish you could’ve been up front with me and talked to me about it, but i know that would be hypocritical. and sometimes i think that two people with mental illnessess aren’t the best at supporting or communicating with each other.

It’s hard to remember that everything fades with time. It’s hard to remember that dwelling on my regrets won’t change my present. I have to take what I’ve learned and be thankful for that.

This may even be for the better. I guess only time will tell. I’ll miss you like a lost limb, but if this is what needs to happen, so be it. It still hurts, but I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you there at all. It’s just such an odd adjustment to make.

Hopefully things will go back to normal soon . I’ll stop feeling panicked when I see you, or weepy when I think about all of our adventures. I’ll be able to stomach more than a smoothie a day and won’t wake up every morning feeling sick. I want to be able to hang out again like we used to. I just want both of us to be happy.

I don’t care that you smoke cigarettes. I don’t care that you drink all the milk. I don’t care that you’d rather be out with your friends while I stay in bed and watch Star Trek. I care about you.

No matter what goes on between us, I love you and forgive you. And I hope you feel the same towards me.

with all the love and joy and hopefulness inside me,
your treeb,
MajorKira