It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Summer’s come and is nearly over, and we are strangers. I’m sure you’ve found a new love interest by now, and that I’m just another failed relationship/memory.
Me? Well, I’ve been on several dates, hell, even been intimate with a few girls, and have been occupying my time with everything I can to fill that void you left behind. I’ve lost 30 pounds thanks to my diet and exercise routine that I’ve been on the last few months, picked up a few new hobbies, and even made lots of new friends. I’ve learned a bit about myself in these last few months that I didn’t know before. Who would’ve thought how much I love singing karaoke?
I’m still reminded of you day to day, but I’m coping better. Comic con’s going to be rough, though, I’ll admit. I’m looking forward to meeting the Doctor Who actors, panels, and all things comic con-y, but it will be lonely without you.
I still have regrets that I can’t seem to let go of:
I regret not telling you how much I did love you when I felt it.
I regret not seeing you, calling you, or texting you more often.
I regret not communicating with you more.
Seriously, though, I never did get to say “I love you” properly. I regret that as well. It had been YEARS since I had ever opened up in that way. Maybe I was just afraid to say it — and I can’t help but feel that this is the major reason why I lost you. Why you lost interest. Why it got stale. Maybe it’s just that the whole thing crumbled down because I was too chickenshit to tell you how much you meant to me. You meant a lot, in case you weren’t aware. There was never a moment where I didn’t enjoy spending time with you.
….Or maybe you seriously just didn’t care about me. Perhaps I was just used for my time and money. There’s always that possibility. I really don’t want to believe that you are that cold and ruthless, but…
I remember, when I asked you to be my girlfriend, that I had “just made your whole day.” I also remember the posts how I was the “best boyfriend in the world.” Now, it pains me to even recall those memories. I mean, were you lying to me?
Hell, even during your break up speech, you reassured me that I was “the best boyfriend you ever had.” Was that a lie too?
I think, at this point, and perhaps the reason for this letter, is to give myself closure. When you left, the rug was pulled right out from underneath me. I wasn’t ready for it. I felt, and still do feel, cheated in a way. I never got a chance to work on “us.” I never got to “fix” anything. We never gave it a chance — just shot it dead in the street and left like it never happened.
Perhaps that’s why I have the regrets that I do. You see, I keep telling myself “if only” and “I should’ve.” I can’t help but feel like I was the one who failed. I had come such a long LONG way from where I was just a few years ago. Losing you was such a huge setback for me. I felt like everything that I had accomplished had been for nothing, and that I am still that worthless guy from a few years ago.
I have to remind myself everyday about the progress I have made, and that I can’t let you hold me back from that. I’m just tired of thinking about you at this point. It’s been 4 months. I should be over you by now, shouldn’t I?
Well, here it is. The goodbye that I never really did get to say.
I still miss us, our memories, our hopes, our dreams, our future.