Oh Josh,

Please stop messaging me, I’ve blocked you before and if I have to I can do it again. The only reason I unblocked you from certain things in the first place was so that you had a first-row seat to me happily and enthusiastically moving the fuck on without you! So with this short letter and lengthy list, which honestly you don’t really even deserve, I hope you understand the reasons why I NEVER, and I mean NEVER, want anything to do with you again in hopes that you’ll get the hint and move the fuck on already, you psycho.

“30 Reasons I Never Want You In My Life Again”

1. You cheated on me our entire relationship.
2. You cheated on me after I broke my leg on your family vacation on NYE 2014.
3. You cheated on me the week following Valentine’s Day, which was the same week I lost my job because of my injury!
4. I took you back after I found out about the cheating and forgave you. Then a few months later in June, you BACKHANDED me and almost suffocated me while you were trying to keep me from screaming. For a few moments during all of it, I thought you were going to kill me. You’re lucky I wasn’t the one who called the cops or that I didn’t press charges. Coward.
5. You criticized my appearance from what I wore, to my make-up, to my hair, and my wrinkles- I was only 26!
6. You didn’t get me anything for Valentines Day – your excuse was that “the present got sent back on accident.” Bullshit.
7. You never delivered on my birthday present to go to New Orleans.
8. You didn’t try to mend things with me when I found out the truth that you did cheat on me.
9. You didn’t try to mend things when you hit me.
10. You put your hands around my neck on May 8th, our 1-year anniversary. Charming.
11. You didn’t really like the Push-Pin Travel Board that I made you of where we had traveled together for our 1-year anniversary.
12. You didn’t offer to come and pick me up on Fridays so we could see each other on the weekends when I was recovering from breaking my leg. You had me beg my parents to shuttle me for your convenience.
13. You lied constantly.
14. You lied bold face to me for 3 hours on Halloween until I finally caught you in your lie.
15. You tried passing women off as friends when you had a sexual history with them.
16. Your Mom was the one who sent me apology flowers on behalf of you after I found out you “only TRIED cheating on me.” Lie #912,038.
17. You allowed my Dad to pay for our dinner the day after you cheated on me.
18. You took me on Valentines Day to the same place you took an ex. The whole time I thought it was just something you did for me and that I was special, turns out you’re a pro at getting others to believe you have good and honest intentions.
19. You made me feel like a burden when I was recovering my 2 surgeries.
20. You said some really messed up things about my family after they disproved of you when they found out you cheated. I don’t care if they messed up your apartment and put Vick’s Vapor Rub in your underwear, you fucking deserved it!
21. You were too dumb to figure out what that cool/burning sensation was on your balls for 3 days! When I first met you I knew you were dumb, that’s why I didn’t think you were smart enough to hurt me. MY mistake.
22. You threw things in my face that I opened up to you about in order to hurt me.
23. You manipulated me constantly and were so fake and dis-genuine- it was creepy and gross sometimes.
24. Your sister was horrible to me for no reason! Especially after the truth came out that you cheated on me. How insane? She sucked. And she held the dresses I leant her hostage for 9 months! Just rude.
25. You were still messaging other girls during our relationship including your ex-fiancé- who might I add looks like a cross between the human chupacabra and a witch. Plus she was fat.
26. You cheated on me the weekend I got in an 18-wheeler accident in San Antonio and made some bogus story up about whose earrings I found in your apartment when I got back to Houston.
27. You made empty promises about our future from moving in together, buying a house, getting married, and having kids.
28. I realize now you are a pathological liar, a narcissist, a for-sure sociopath or psycho.
29. I felt more of a connection with someone I dated after you. I only dated the other guy for 3 weeks; you and I were together for over a year!
30. And finally, because of everything I’ve mentioned above, I realize I just don’t love you anymore.

You’re lucky I’m too lazy to continue to expand on this list- I think you get the point though. I still haven’t forgotten your weird sexual fetish and the fact that you wear BB Cream. Word to the wise, learn from your mistakes or you’re going to wind up a makeup-wearing-prison-bitch that’s taking the D on the reg, which you’d probably like-I always thought you were gay.

Anyways, I have a 5-day tropical beach vacation to pack for. I’ll be sure to upload my pics and set my social media so you can have a first-row seat to my very much needed and hopefully wild vacation in Mexico. Get the popcorn ready, bitch.

Kelly