There are so many things that I look back and smile about when I think about the times we spent together. When I look back and try to remember the fights that we had and the reason we had them, I can’t remember why we fought or what made us argue or cry or get angry. It wasn’t a big enough reason to remember so I highly doubt it was a big enough reason to fight. There are things that hurt so much still… The future we had planned, those cute little details we talked about like how many children we wanted, what the color theme of our wedding would be, how we would design our house, debating wether or not we’d still be attracted to one another when we got old. It hurts how when anything good happens you are the first person I want to tell and the first person I wish to be there to share it with. I lost my best friend. Dating sucks, it sucks going through the phases with someone, now that I’ve had you in my life I have this picture of what my ideal partner should be like, and in my head I’m really painting a picture of you. Some nights I spend crying or I just can’t sleep because I just replay everything through my head. I guess it depends what mood I’m in, when I think about you and get angry everything you didn’t do right goes through my head to the point that I cry, or if I’m happy and I really want you there, I think about what it would be like if you were there with me and how much greater it would be. I take one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from our failed relationship and I share it with everyone. When we first met, I hated you and you hated me. After we started talking I wasn’t that attracted to your physical appearance, and I didn’t like you much as a person, I really don’t remember why I started dating you, but as time went on, I began to love you and I saw so much more than just the outside of you. I was attracted to so much more than your outer appearance but I loved who you were and how you treated me. When we kissed, it was a moment I never wanted to end. I knew it was the first time I really had ever experienced love. I miss having someone who is able to deal with all of my moods, who can handle how sassy and stubborn I am. It is very hard to get someone to the point where they love you for all of who you really are, it’s hard opening up to that point, I think that is why it hurts when someone breaks your heart and tells you that they don’t love you anymore, it’s because you’ve taken this long (or short) journey together to get to this point of comfort and trust and love, and then it just all goes away. I never did understand that, when you love someone and you break up, where does the love go? As women (maybe men do this too) but as women we paint this picture of what our perfect man would look like and what he would be interested in and what his aspirations would be and etc. but in real life that’s like throwing 100 dice and all landing on 1. You’re surprised with what you get and how all of that truly doesn’t matter, at the end of the day you love the person that makes you smile for unknown reasons, you love the person that makes you feel worth more than you ever imagined you could be worth, you love the person that you know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you are bald, fat, stupid, you mess up, you know that person won’t look at you any differently than before, you love the person that makes you feel good to be you… You were that person. I’ve never been one to believe in that one true love, or love at first sight. I do believe that there is one person that you are more compatible with than anyone else, but I don’t believe I could find that person. But I did find you, and I believe that if one single moment in my life was different, that I wouldn’t have found you. You were my best friend, you were that one person I wished to be around my whole life. Unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way. It was not my decision, but sometimes you don’t get to makes all the decisions in your life, and you must deal with the cards you’ve been dealt because you are not always the dealer. So I would like you to know that I am getting better but I do have moments that I fall. Sometimes I torture myself by looking at our photos and going through our stuff. But I don’t wish hell upon you and I do wish you the best, even though it’s not with me. I do understand we got in to a line of bad habit, and fighting and crying and frustration, I can see how you lost sight of the love and relationship with everything that was going on. Just know I could have never given up on you and I still haven’t but I am moving on. I do hope you are taking care of yourself and I hope you don’t feel the way I do. Always remember this one last thing, even though I might not still be in love with you, I don’t think I could ever stop loving you.
I will always love you