For me
There’s days that thing..the person I hate the most is me. I’m the one continues to get in my own way. I’m the one without fail is my biggest critic and worst enemy. I know this sounds like a cliche, like the lyrics to 90s grunge band’s one hit. For as long as I can recall I’ve felt hopelessly inadequate regardless of how hard I worked or how hard I try to prepare I still fell short. Many in my field would tell me I’m depressed take some pills and get the f**k over it. I grew up watching my aunt and mother get prescribed pills for depression. I watched as they became shells of who they were, zombies really. It’s something I told myself I’d never let happen to me. It’s a path I don’t dare go down. I worry that because I’m being stubborn about this that maybe I’m getting in my own way again like so many times before.
And so it goes without fail, I continue to to get in my own way. My closest friend Chris is going through a really rough break up. He loves this women but she is so completely toxic to him. He even knows and says this but he loves her so totally. I understand this so well. This past year and a half I’ve been involved with a women that’s not my wife, at this current time I’m almost complete in my divorce that doesn’t excuse the fact that I went outside my marrige and for that I’ll always carry regret, but it happened. I can either own it or it can own me. The women I was involved with became everything to me, the reason I got up the reason I went to school, the reason I tried to make myself better because I wanted to be better in her eyes. I can say without any reservations I love her. The past six months of my life have been horrible, the worst I can remember. I know I’m fighting depression, that I’m right at the edge. Over these past months my relationship with Deb has changed it went from her talking to me about wanting to get married and have children to not having time to see me or even having the ability to tell me how she feels, and it happened so abruptly, so fast things changed. We’d talk on the phone and she be sweet and caring then when I’d see here in class she give me the nastiest looks and barley talk to me. Months of this wondering….I express my concerns to her and I’m meet with “don’t be silly”. We’ll I have been silly. I’ve been torturing myself over this. Torturing myself, convincing myself she cared. If a person cares about you they’ll tell you…if they truly love you they’ll tell you regardless of who hears, knows, or passes judgement. I’ve always had issues with saying that to someone but I will say with Deb it was different. I was terrified to tell her because I was terrified of feeling exactly the way I feel now. I’ve been holding on for the past 6 months to something I now believe was over then. I kept trying to prove myself to her, always trying to do what I thought she’d want me to do to. I grew to hate myself because I lost myself. I allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by a person who not only wouldn’t genuinely communicate with me and couldn’t or wouldn’t make anytime for me. The writing as they say was on the wall. I do know why I held on for so long…I can still recall very vividly her voice saying she loves me. I know how cheesy this sounds before I say it but it was without a doubt one of my favorite things I’ve ever heard, it was perfectly pure and it felt like there was such honesty behind it. Things have come a long way since then, to the point I’ve been told that she has been with at least one other man during our time together or at least that’s what one of here closest friends has told me, but you have to take that with a grain of salt this friend has her own motivates too….her end game I’m not really sure on, honestly don’t give a s**t. So as its gone I’ve without fail have asked Deb out weekly sometimes a couple times a week for the past 6 months and the only time she’s made for me is when she’s needed something, most commonly addy. God even rereading this I think I sound like the world’s biggest pussy. My wife treated half this bad and I filed for divorce. So why did my dumb ass hold on for so long to her, to this horribly toxic situation? It was completely toxic, it use to fill me with such doubt not just about her and her intentions but about me. I’d doubt myself that I wasn’t good enough that if I was just a little better, a little stronger, a little more of whatever she wanted at that moment and things will work out beautifully. It’s amazing how delusional we can be with ourselves. As I mentioned my friend is going through a break up. My advice to him has been to get space, break contact, and start to move on. Which is great advice for him, but why can’t I do the same? I’m telling him to run from someone who is leaching of his goodness, only to make themselves feel better. I believe Deb has been doing the same with me, because who wouldn’t like the attention of someone knowing that all you had to do at anytime day or night say I need you and they’d be right there that they’d drop everything at moments notice to help them or hell drive 40 minutes one way just to spend 10 minutes with them sitting in a parking lot listening to them complain the whole time about there ex. Why did I do that to myself. Why did I got to such lengths to prove myself to someone that was this selfish, for a person who wouldn’t even think of doing the same for me and that wasn’t a secret I know/knew she wouldn’t drive around the block for me.
I’d sit there after I’d talk with her and think about what was said. I’d find myself making excuses for her (she didn’t have to anymore) crazy I know, that me the one who was so desperately trying to see her just to go get coffee, or dinner or something was now making excuses as to why she couldn’t all the while she had no problems finding time to go out with her friends. Friends that used to be my friends too, friends that have been manipulated into believing very horrible things about me. Told to them by….well I’m sure you know who.
I last spoke to her about an 2 hours ago. I asked her to tell how to be free of her the way she’s so obviously and easily free of me, how she can go on without a moments hesitation or not even giving me a second thought. How it’s so easy for her to toss me aside like some old used up chewing gum. I also told her I have to be free of her, of this situation, that I can’t continue to put myself out there only to be made to feel bad about it doing it. The next few days will be the test for me. I feel like things are stacked against me, I see her in everything, ever song I hear, smells….everything. I so want to be free from this hurt, this longing to be loved by her, to be wanted by her the way I once was. It kills me I can still see her smiling at me. I can still smell her…as if she was still laying on my chest. I hate myself for allowing this to happen again. When my wife rejected me I know I fell into a deep depression that lasted months, I shut everyone out. I retreated inward I tried to push all the thoughts of unwant, rejection, resentment and general ugliness that was me or at least what I thought was me. I was perfectly content…really was. My expectations for myself and others was low. I figured if I did that I could get around being let down and rejected, if I expected so little from people.
Why f**king why did she have to come into my life….why did she have to so completely destroy me. Why did I let her in. I want to feel that again I want to feel the way I did when she’d look at me that certain way. I don’t want to go back to feeling so alone…so isolated….so broken. I know the only way to get past this is time, that given time my feelings will dull for her…God just thinking that my feelings will dull for her kills me, I don’t want them to dull I want to love her I want to be with her. But I know the only way for me to heal is to stay away from her and anything that reminds me of her…to bad that’s everything, even my son mentions her daughters “daddy when can we go see Sammy and Alexis, I miss my friends”. When he says that it almost puts me in tears. I have no idea what to do. I’ve had girls break up with me (no biggie), I have girls cheat on me (move on) but this…Deb….I have no idea what to do. How can someone so completely and utterly destroy someone like this without showing any hint of emotion. How could I let it. F**k…I hate myself.
I’ve spent the last 30mins writing this , I’m not sure as to why or who I’m going to send this to if anyone, I can’t send it to Chris he’s as broken as I am right now and fighting the same internal battle. I can’t send it to lish, megan, or kelley. They’d only think I’m trying to manipulate them in to something. It really bugs me that they so quickly and without a second thought exiled me for the same thing Deb was doing or maybe they were told a whole bunch of horrible things about me I don’t know I can’t worry about them and what they think they know. I’m not looking for help, truth, advice, or anything. I hoping in sharing this story with someone will help. I’m not even sure if you’ll get this.