What really matters

What really matters

What really matters

LTME-postDear Hannah,
I hope this last month has been healing for you. I feel like I have an infinite amount of things to tell you. I could just talk for hours with you about everything. But first I wanted to apologize for anything I ever did that hurt you in any way; despite always wanting the best for you, I hurt you as we hurt each other. And so it is with any two people in this world. I know you never wanted to hurt me either. No person can claim to never hurt another, such would be to claim perfection, and as I said it is imperfect to try to be perfect. I remember more than once, when sadness overtook you, I told you that we could break up if it would make you any happier, even though in my heart you were my everything who I could share anything with. Being apart from you has only given me greater clarity and certainty, that I truly was willing to do anything to take the sadness from your face and bring the light back out, your happiness and more importantly your joy, meant everything to me. I’m truly sorry for any shortcomings I or we had as a couple; but I am not sorry for loving you. You told me you were scared to lose your best friend that night you had doubts about everything, and I told you that you wouldn’t ever lose him. I promised to always be there for you, not just as a lover as I had before, but also now as a friend. And so I stayed true to my promise and did everything to stay your best friend. Nevertheless, it proved too difficult to do so so quickly after everything. And I understand that. I wish it hadn’t ended so angrily, certainly some of the words were lies to assuage the pain. But I do understand fully, I felt it too. I will always cherish all that we were. Those nights after we broke up were some of the most special moments, those moments where we could fully share anything and everything with each other, as we did before but even more. You always have that in me. You’ve taught me so much about life, love, and joy. About meaning and happiness. I know that in love, there is no give and take; there is no concept of more or less; there is only love. Love does not compare Hannah, and the love I had for you was such. I loved being with you, you never had to give me anything because your existence is everything. You are everything. You are a strong person, and you are capable of great things, and great healing. I know you will be, if you are not already, much stronger than you have ever been. I want you to know that all you’ve shared with me will be with me forever. Dear Hannah, when you told me how lost you were what I said stays true; I will always be a guiding hand for you, wherever you are. I know all this pain and hurt have made me stronger. I know that I grew and saw things more clearly than ever before after it all.I have truly been able to see what matters and what doesn’t; titles, wealth, fame, and vanity all crumble. Love lasts forever. But these distractions, wealth, self-importance, vanity, they at times grip me as they do most any person. At times I am struck by a desire to show the world my strength and power, to have myself affirmed and admired. At times I am struck by a desire to gain great wealth, so as to be able to afford great control over my life. But all these times are empty, all these times end with the same feeling. You see, these self-involved attempts at glory all feed a bottomless pit. They feed into the specious conflation of the self and they block our view of others and the truth. Not only do none of these pursuits lead to joy or even happiness (save the most fleeting, ephemeral kind), they are truly irrelevant. I have before stood at deaths door; I have known others to stand at this door. Hannah, at the end of your life you will not think about how much you have, about how many people admired your outer appearance, about what titles you earned. I can assure you that once the fear parts, all you will see is the love, the good times you shared with others, the times you gave so much to the lives of others, and in turn were given such richness. I pray from my heart of hearts that I can one day show you this, or at least be there when you see it. If being a religious person entails following a dogma, worshipping an ancient text, or adhering to rigid rules than I am no such person; if being a religious person entails searching for meaning, seeking to soothe the soul, and above all else loving others, than I am deeply religious. It is wonder at all around us, and more importantly love and desire for harmony with all existence. I know deep to my core these truths, and they are worth more than anything else.I have never been able to, and will never be on this earth, able to say I’m at peace with only love in my heart; but I’ve never been closer. Through the immense pain of our separation I have grown in ways I could never have with you at this time in our lives. I have learned things I could not have learned otherwise. My dear Hannah, oh how deeply I want to share these things with you. The best way I can captivate them (they can never be fully expressed here), is to ask you to imagine your whole life, and to imagine the moments in your life in which you had the greatest joy and happiness. Take as long as you need, I know I am blessed enough to be able to take hours or even days thinking of such things. Now what does every moment share? I know they are all filled with love, with wonder, with the taste and promise of something far greater than all existence. They have no fear, doubt, hatred, shame or anger. They are pure and true, and they fill you with feelings you can’t even explain.
I know the world seems random, chaotic, disordered, and unfair. But I promise you, there is order, harmony and love.Our existence is the culmination of a series of infinite events all leading to now. Sometimes you have to look harder than others, but it is always there. You are never alone.
I have lived a life of great sorrow and joy, happiness and depression, fear and courage, love and hate, and many more things, all words used to better elucidate the tangled mess that is life. And I would not change a thing. My life has led me to who I am today. It has led me to a state of which, though wrong about many things, and though always ignorant in an infinite universe, my life has afforded me one certainty. Love. Love takes several forms; all though, descend from one. That is the love of a parent and their precious, sweet child, the love we see in a god, the embrace we get from an old friend after years apart, those long nights spent talking about everything and anything, that peace in seeing unfathomable beauty in the world, the unconditional spirit which never ceases, that force, that feeling, ingrained in us, that feeling of absolute peace, which kisses you lightly and stays with you forever, even in your darkest moments. It is the love of everything you’ve ever hoped to be, of all you will be, the love of what you know is right. And at this point, with a glimpse of something so vast and infinite, I can say I wouldn’t change a thing. I will always get hit, get torn apart by others, and I will let it happen, if, at the end of my life, I can say it helped those I loved. If, at the end of my life, I can truly say to myself that the lives of those I love were better, than I would do it all again, no matter the cost.
I have no judgements for you, no ill feelings. I see you, and only you for everything that you are. I see Hannah. An incredibly special and sweet person, I see every little part that makes you who you are and it brings the widest smile to my face. I see in your core, there is a bright star. I know you have so much goodness inside of you, so much to share with this world. Hannah, dear Hannah, please do not fear. Fear keeps our bodies alive, yet kills our souls. You are known Hannah, and you are wanted to be known. The truth is written on your heart deep inside you; I’ve seen it; I know its there. I remember being on a journey with a person who was lost, I remember that person beginning to find her way, as she slowly but surely grabbed that red balloon, and took that journey through the olde Paris streets. I can scarcely think of a happier moment than getting to be a part of that journey. Hannah, I was with you on that journey, and through this time apart though you might not have known it, I have been with you more than you could know. Never fear, only love. Love yourself and through loving yourself love others. You have endless reasons to love yourself; I know you’ll see what I do. Love is truly the greatest gift we have to share. Kindness, care, bleeding for someone else… This is not a weakness, but the greatest strength a person can have. There is no greater strength, than the strength to suffer for another person. Hannah, I was not weak, I am not weak, I have suffered for you, and I would again. These Hannah, are words about love that haven’t been said; they are not a mere rehashing of past ideas. They are an unadulterated account of my soul and my life I shared with you.

And this letter in all its length is naught next to everything I want to say, next to all I feel.

And after I sent you this letter, and after you read it… After we spent time together again, and you called me at three in the morning, and I told you a story to soothe you as I always had when we were together… After you told me that night “Don’t go, don’t go,” and I replied “I’m here.” After all that my heart only broke in two yet again. Because as much as you wanted me to be there in that moment, that isn’t what you want for your future is it? I’ll always love you and I know you’ll always love me too, and I’m truly sorry that that isn’t enough. Because the truth is we were compatible and we were in love with each other deeply, and no one can say anything to take that truth away, not even you. And you want more don’t you? You said just as much. When will it ever be enough for you though? How long will it take you to see that?


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