Dear S,

It may be too soon to be expressing myself considering I only broke up with you two days ago. But I am overcome with emotions at the moment and have no way to actually express them. I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams if I do not vocalize these feelings.

I want to start off by letting you know exactly what an asshole you are. I didn’t deserve this, I’ve already been through this and it’s horrible to have to go through with it again. You didn’t have to cheat. We could have taken a break, ended the relationship, or seen other people. The thing about me is that I am completely understanding of a lot of things. I am open to trying new things and especially I am good at listening.

We could have talked this out. But that’s not your forte apparently. Your excuse about not being able to express your feelings is not one you can use. I don’t buy that bullshit about you not knowing how to talk about things. It’s easy, be honest! By being honest you’d be surprised how easy it is to express what you are feeling.

You said you didn’t know how to show your emotions. So it was beautiful seeing you open up to me slowly, letting me into your life and getting comfortable with me. You see the thing is when I met you here at work I did not imagine that we would start to form a connection in the way we did. I have to be honest with you: I found you attractive and as the horny young adult that I am, my main goal was to fuck you. That’s it. Fuck buddies. I did not think we would become friends. I did not think we would get as close as we got.

Looking back, you did a lot for me. I can’t overlook that! You were there for me when my car got stolen and quite frankly you were my saving grace. I was so happy to have met you because you were such a big support to me during that time.

I had so much fun with you! You annoyed me beyond belief sometimes, leaving me rolling my eyes so far back I’d get a headache. But when you weren’t being annoying those are the times I liked the most. We were able to spend time together, we tried new things together, and we bonded.

That’s where the problem is for me. I thought we were both dating with the goal of forming a relationship. I cannot say I didn’t have any flaws because I would be lying, I’m sure I did!

On the phone you confessed to me that you were not ready for a relationship. The thing is that I wasn’t asking you for one. We established we were dating exclusively, and I honored that verbatim. I didn’t text other boys, send other boys nudes, or who knows fuck other boys. But I can’t say the same for you.

I cannot say I fell in love with you because I didn’t. It wasn’t love, I liked you. I lusted after you. You say I was your first sexual partner but I doubt that now. The reason I got so attached to you I think was because of your support. You were there for me and I appreciated that.

When I saw the texts you sent Cesar… I was disgusted. Sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that. You gave yourself the label of being my boyfriend. I didn’t. We had not set our relationship in stone. You introduced yourself to people as my boyfriend. So when Cesar asked you “Don’t you have a boyfriend?”, and you responded with “yeah…so!” you can understand how that made me feel.

So! Two words that for a brief second shattered my self-confidence. However your selfish actions are in no way a reflection on me. I still have my confidence. I still love myself.

You had no respect for me whatsoever. It’s sad. So you’re asking to be my friend and I immediately said “NO!” You see this comes back to the thing about you being selfish. You hurt me and you’re asking me to be your friend. You say we will see each other all the time, we share the same circle of friends and that it’s impossible to avoid each other. I agree. Those are all valid points, but what you are overlooking is the fact that every time I will see you I will be on edge. You may be talking but I won’t be listening I’ll be over analyzing everything you say.

I cannot trust you. I will always doubt everything you say and everything you do. So that’s why I said no to us being friends so quickly. Not because I didn’t think about it and I’m mad. I thought about it too much and see all the problems this can cause.

I can’t read you. I don’t know how you’re feeling and that bugs me. I don’t know if this even has an effect on you. I don’t want you to be miserable, I don’t want you not to be happy with anyone else but I just want to be able to see that doing this to me was not easy.

Seeing you at work today was extremely awkward for me. I used to love running into you, seeing you at break, waiting for you to go to lunch together and waiting for us to clock out and go home. Today I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so embarrassed, I looked around at the people around me. Focusing on the looks they gave me – all I could think was that they all knew you played me and they were all laughing at me.

I didn’t think this would be such a big deal. But I am so sensitive, I just can’t help it.

Dude you fucked up. That’s all I can say. You fucked up.

I understand this was your first relationship but you fucked up. Make sure not to do this again to someone. Not being able to communicate is not an excuse. It’s selfish. Learn, practice, do it! Honesty is always appreciated.

Above all I want you to be safe. You said you didn’t get a chance to be promiscuous and explore your sexuality. I guess now is the time to do that. You’re in the age to do it with whomever you want. But that’s now. Now that you’re single. It was not the right time when you were dating me and I was being faithful and monogamous.

I am such an advocate for people to explore their sexuality! You know I would always talk about it. I hate the prudes that aren’t able to talk about sex because our culture has deemed it such a taboo topic. But remember that always came with a warning from me to everyone. Be safe. Use a condom. Take care of yourself you don’t want to end up with an STD or any disease that can ruin your life. Remember – guys are gross so watch out, don’t hookup with a random wierdos just because you have a boner. You’ll feel a difference when it’s with someone you get to know a little as opposed to someone you meet online and will never see again after that night

I don’t ever wish harm upon anyone. You’re no exception. I don’t plan on you reading this, but if you ever do you’ll know it’s written for you. It’s time to move on… so let the moving on begin.

Xo, Juan.