The weight of words

The weight of words

The weight of words

LTME postTo My Ex-Something,

Your words still weigh heavily on me. When I see you they replay in my head like a broken record. I told you that it was ok and that we could go back to just being friends, and I lied. You were constantly telling me not to get attached, but we both knew I already was, even though I denied it. But then again, we knew you had too, and I guess that scared you. I often find myself thinking about that night, because I find it easier to be just your friend when I remember your words. We never dated, we weren’t an item, which I guess is why I never expected you to hurt me as much as you and for or your words to cut through me. We used to talk until the early hours of the morning; you told me your secrets and I told you mine. I loved our talks and they always were the highlight of my week, but now we can barely look at each other.

That night in your room, you told me things, brutally honest things. I know you drunk and that you feel guilty for what you said, but I know you meant every word. You told me I’d never live up to your standard. You told me that I was more than nothing but less than everything. You compared me a girl you never dated and will probably never see again. You stripped down all the feelings I had for you, you didn’t consider the consequences. You told me that you can never get attached to me but then you pulled a one-eighty and told me that if you had never met her then you’d be dating me. You told me everything that I was’t and that what hurts. I can’t stop thinking about all the things you said I will never be. I want to hate you and to stop caring about you, but how can I when your touch calms down my crazy world? How am I suppose to stop feeling anything for you when you make me smile and laugh all the time? You drive me utterly insane yet you are the only one who can make me sane.

We were best friends before this mess, and you still are my best friend. You confuse me with your offer of cuddles, and letting me stay in your bed with you when I have no place to sleep. You’ll get drunk then tell me the sweetest things, you’ll kiss me then say it’s a bad idea. You constantly tell me how much you care about me and genuinely like me, then ask if I’ll be ok with you sleeping with someone else. I wish you could see what you do to me, I wish you could see how much I care about you and I wish you could see how much it hurts. I know you try not to hurt me, you pull away from me instead. We used to be so close, and now it’s like I don’t exist. I can see our friendship ending, and it hurts. Last night you told me that you cared about me so much and that I was one of your best friends, then told me how you always want to kiss me but don’t because it’s a bad idea. I almost didn’t want to tell you in the morning because I knew you’d brush it aside. Last night I watched as your ex girlfriend cuddled on you and showed you affection, the ex you told me you hated, and I can’t stop wondering why someone you hate can get more affection than someone you claim to care about. I feel weak and pathetic for liking you at all, because you don;t deserve me in your life. I wish you could feel how I feel so that you would know what you’re doing to me. Your words are so contradicting, then end up weighing on my mind. I wish you understood or even cared.


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