I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what the hell. You sure as heck aren’t going to read it (thank God) and even if you did I’m sure you wouldn’t care. But it doesn’t matter much because I’m writing this for me and not you, although I know that, like everything else I’ve tried, it will doubtlessly be useless to give me any lasting relief.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I told you what you meant to me, but I don’t think you ever quite understood just how much. Because of the way you were raised I’m not sure if love like what I felt for you is something you can grasp fully or for any long duration of time, but please hear me out.
You were everything to me.
I know I know. Everybody says that. You even said it to me. Long before I said it to you, even. But you truely were. I loved my parents, my friends, and myself before you showed up. I’d even been in love once before you. But never before had I loved someone with my whole heart. Every little space and square inch of it adored you. I saw what a sweet, amazing person you were, and I saw how lonely you were, and I saw what a douche bag you could be.
I loved all of it.
I had been hurt by my father and by the guy before you, but you changed me–i couldn’t trust, I was scared of love and I didn’t know how to handle it. But you loved me, and you made me believe, with all your kisses and promises and everything. You were fucked up too. But we learned together. And for once I was so, so, so happy, I loved you with all my soul and you loved me back, maybe even more! I couldn’t believe it–only I did believe it. God, I believed in you. I believed in you the way somebody believes in their religion. I trusted you. You were so good to me. You loved me absolutely and you loved me in a very special way. We believed in each other for a long time. We’d been through so much. We had such an intimate, beautiful relationship. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell you. And you opened up to me–i was the first person you ever had opened up to like that. I treasured you. I loved you so much. I’m so stubborn and selfish usually. I definitely don’t believe in submitting to a man. But I loved you and I WANTED to make you happy. I would have done almost anything for you. And you felt the same way about me. For a while.
You got depressed. You didn’t tell me. I tried to help, God knows I did. I knew it wasn’t something I could fix for you. But I guess I’m a stupid kid. Because I hoped that our love would survive that. It just had to. We couldn’t let something so beautiful die. It couldn’t die! True love never dies, it conquers everything!
But it didn’t. And you asked for a break.
I was crushed. Terrified. But I said yes, because I hoped it would work for the best and you needed one. Besides, you had promised to love me forever. You had meant it. So what did I need to cry about–it was only a break, and you still loved me, it was just the depression.
And then one day, you broke your promises.
You said you just didn’t feel the same, you couldn’t care about anything, not even me. You didn’t love me.
But you always would.
We both cried. And we broke up.
And two weeks later, you were dating another girl.
Too depressed to be in a relationship? Ha.
She was everything I wasn’t. You promise you love me forever and then you leave. And you kiss her while I can barely get out of bed. I can’t even breathe. I cried every single day, big huge screaming, sobbing, wailing crying. I was bleeding on the inside. For a whole month I felt like that every single suffocating moment of my life. Even after you guys broke up after only two weeks. Didn’t matter. Doesn’t matter.
We fought. We didn’t talk anymore. I hated you for lying, I hated you for loving me and then doing this to me.
I read your old messagss to me over and over. I read messages you sent to Alice, telling her you loved me too much to stay with me, that you were fucked up, that being with you would only hurt me. I hated you for it. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t care if it killed me. Anything was better than this.
But you had already moved on.
Did I mean nothing to you? All our promises, our dates, our flights, our kisses, or EVERYTHING, why did it have to end? How could the most beautiful thing in my life be wrong?
It’s been two months. I’m no better off than the first week. I’m different–not better, but different. I don’t feel much of anything anymore. I want to cry most of the day, but it won’t happen. My heart feel empty. I have no joy. I’m bitter, but I can’t even feel enough to access it. Mom says I have depression. I’m going back to the therapist soon, so that’s good, I guess. Progress. But without you I don’t care what happens to me. It’s all the same.
I can’t believe this happened. We had it all. And now you’re a stranger to me. True, we can speak to each other now. We’re on good terms. Nobody hates anyone else. But you’ve changed. You are disrespectful to girls. You are, well, as Reyna put it: A fuckboy. That’s not the you I know. What happens to you? Did depression hide you? Or are you not hidden, are you gone? Maybe the Devin that loved me was only mine. He was real. But maybe that was a person in you I brought out.
Even so, before me you were a sweet guy, a good person. And now you’re acting in a way that would have made you pissed off a while ago.
Maybe you, like me, don’t believe in love anymore.
I doubt you care enough about me to think of me, but do you ever miss me… Just a little? In the tiny recesses of your heart, that remember summer and the San Jacinto library study room and my neighbor hood pool, that remember the phone conversations that lasted until six the next morning, remember the way it felt to be in love with someone and kiss them? Kiss me?
I do. In my emptyness I can sometimes distract myself. But I’m so suffocated by it all. I miss you, Devin, I miss you so badly, and I love you still. I know you don’t love me. You have another girlfriend now, I hear, although she doesn’t go to our school, which is nice for me.
Sometimes I want to pick up the phone. I want to text you. I could. There’s no rule against it.
But I can’t. Our intimacy is broken. I want it back. But I can’t find the strength to believe in it any longer. It kills me that somebody who I had a deep, everlasting bond with has been astranged from me. And it breaks my heart that you don’t care.
Oh, to kiss you one last time. To have one last date. To see those pretty green eyes smile at me. To hold your hand. I would give anything for that.
I’m broken. I’m damaged. I can’t even blame you. And I can’t exactly blame me. I’m lost. I’m hurt. And I’m numb. Why has this not healed? Why have I been so deeply fucked up by this? Why can’t I let it go? I’ve tried. For weeks. I tried wallowing, hoping to let it all out. I tried thinking it all through, processing it. I tried not thinking about it at all, distracting myself. I tried positive and negative thinking. I even tried dating someone else. But I just run in circles. And you stroll on by.
To quote Phantom of the Opera. I’m wishing you were somehow… Here again. I’m wishing you were somehow here.
I miss you. I miss us.
I feel like I’m wandering through a mist. I’m not even the same person I once was. I’m much more hateful and apathetic. I can’t care about anything, and I want to get everyone I used to love far away from me. I make myself sick. And I can bear this heartbreak anymore, I’ve stood it for almost two months. I don’t know how to move on.
I guess therapy is my only hope now.
I should hate you. You put me through a lot. You’re not even a good person these days.
And yet I cannot. I love you. I hope that you can find yourself again. I think you are a little lost too. I hope you can find someone you actually love and care about like you did me, and you keep her well. If you did find someone I would be very hurt, I would wonder why I wasn’t what you wanted, but I think it all has less to do with me and more to do with your issues. I hope you find the strength to work them out. Take care of yourself, babe. Think of me every now and then, and let them be happy, loving thoughts. I’ll never forget you. Unfortunately my heart is still devoted to you and I find it uncontrollable.
I love and adore you all my days. Learn to love yourself. If only you could love you like I do. I don’t know why you let me go. I don’t know why I can’t let you go. But I want you to take care of that guy that loved me, that soft part of you.
Dont let him go. I wish you knew you don’t have to pretend. There is hope for you.
Maybe there is hope for me too.
Never forget me, baby.
I love you,