Dear Danny Pink, (remember doctor who)

It’s been nearly half a year since we split up for the 4TH TIME IN LIKE 2 FUCKING YEARS. Ffs we are so incompatible it’s unbelievable but for my own consciences sake I’m just going to be straight up as to why and how our LDR failed from march 2014 onwards… So it’s February 2014 and we are talking as normal as ever. Skyping and Whatsapping has become the norm but gets boring as time goes on, and the contact starts brushing off little by little, and I start getting distracted by the finer things In life ( i.e food ). So this is the time I met Mo again after 2 years of not speaking and as we are taking a break I start talking to him again. He seems nice and I wanted to get with him not thinking about you twice because I assumed since we stopped talking that was the end of our chapter. You came back at the night of my valediction, where we was arguing about what was happening and how I was going to choose you, which I never did anyway, but I just ended up juggling both because I started to get emotionally attached by Mo (which I had found out recently is because of how he looks, and not his personality). After the summer had passed, with us broken up about beginning of August, I couldn’t cope with the memories that kept coming into my head, it was torturing so I decided to write massive paragraphs asking you to come back, but with the outcome still hurting you. It kept going on until July of this year, even though you assumed this time and I got annoyed….very annoyed about that.

I know I’m a bitch for what I did, not an understatement but I am a huge bitch for that matter. But I never knew how to control my emotions, and for being the person that has to deal with the repercussions of that I’m sorry. I’ve always loved you but I never knew how to progress that on, so this is a letter of closure. Closure because I need to come to grips on what I did and how guilty I am for what I have done. As you said on your birthday ‘ you change and change but guess what you’re getting worse love’. At one time I was, because I never knew how to change or what to change. I never got any support because any support was something that I pushed away, so I only have myself to blame on that. it is true that you received pain more than love, maybe because I never knew how to love someone, because the love I should of received from my father was never there, and trying to search it in someone else was not the answer…it never was.

My conscience is really confused now, as I’ve lost my best friend and I’ve lost any type of comfort that I should feel from the opposite gender, as they were all I was used to. I guess I’m starting to change, because I know I can’t change past, which I would change our meetings to save you money and the pain that you experienced being in such an unhealthy relationship with me.

I never knew what was wrong with me as an individual. I mean you deffo have a right to hate my ass, especially when I didn’t know how to cope with my own feelings so I used you as a way to cope with it, every time failing in the process. But I never intended to hit you up in the end of October of 2013 so I could hurt you, I wanted to give you the love that you didn’t get from a girl, but I guess that failed miserably. I found out not too long ago that I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of being hurt by someone so I prefer to be the person that hurts the person, which traces back to my father problems before. The way I hurt people is wrong and I’ve been told by a lot of counsellors that it is because I would rather do that than just say that I’m scared, which makes sense because I never face my problems, rather I ALWAYS resort to running away. This summer was hard for me, I guess 2015 as a whole has been hard for me, because of the nacasnimo I had accustomed to, and the hurt that I made myself prone to. I am sorry for hurting you, this is my way of trying to move on. I can’t move on because I don’t want to, but I have no choice as my options lay no future with you anymore. As a ‘couple’ this relationship would deem unhealthy because you won’t trust me, which is cool, I understand. I wouldn’t either, especially from the amount of times I’ve written shit.

You may be wondering why I’m even writing a letter if I’m with Mo. I’m not lol. I broke up with him some time ago, when I realised I’m never going to get any effort from him. He doesn’t care about me, he never travelled to me, nor doesn’t have any plans to. He’s stood me up 6 times where I had waited 6 hours in between, even while it was raining, but I thought that he would make it up, turns out he didn’t. That shit is deffo karma. KARMA IN THIS BITCH. Its crazy how much I’ve been through pleasing people when I should’ve of stayed myself. Shows my insecurity at its highest level tbh. I only ‘lost interest’ in you because I kept listening to other peoples opinions of you, (like they fucking knew you, and somehow I went along with it, without questioning it myself) It’s stupid because I actually listened to them. Not once, not twice but three times. So the jokes is on me since I deal with the difficulty of moving on. You don’t need to reply, because it tends to be quite blunt with a lot of exclamation marks, I would prefer it if this is the last you see of me in a long while and same goes to you because I know there can’t be an us.

I know you’re just keeping me on snapchat to show me what you are capable of, clever, but I know what you’re capable of already. I know you’re going to show the world the person that is capable of anything and I wish you the best in that journey. As you progress the way you do, I don’t think you love me, or will ever love me again. But I still love you and the good memories that came along with you, because I don’t know what I would’ve done without that to be honest. Although I have changed a lot, in terms of going into more Korean things, losing weight gradually, and being more into myself, being closer to my parents, having a job and learning how to drive, I hope you one day forgive me and go about finding your perfect girl.