Dear T,
It’s going to start snowing soon and I all I can think about is how I was going to be with you in the winter. It was all mapped out and we both knew it and it seemed so wonderful. In my journal on October 25th I wrote “things, for once, feel good and right and lasting.” I’ve been known to get overwhelmed with the good and spin off in crazy directions and I’m sorry that I let that happen. I flinch every time I think of that night when you wanted to hold my hand and I couldn’t let you because I knew I had to say goodbye to you. Now all I want is that hand back.

This October I couldn’t stop saying how happy I was- not in a fleeting way, but a steading, slumbering joy. It was thanks to you and I’m sorry for you and for myself that I didn’t recognize it. Instead of revelling in it, I ended it prematurely. when the best parts were still to come.

You are probably confused– I was too. I thought this would fade away but I’ve been thinking of you for the past 3 weeks and I can’t shake the feeling that things aren’t how they’re supposed to be right now. This is far from an act of spontaneity– Hannah and my mother can testify. I’ve been drafting this for a few weeks now.

Maybe you’ve moved on and maybe there’s someone else and if so, I’m sorry this is too late. But if it’s not too late, and you forgive me for my delusion and my coldness, please let me know. And if you need time to think it over, please take your time. Do what you need to do,

stay warm and be well.

Yours,
J