Dear A.,

I just want to say again, how incredibly sorry I am, that all this happened on Christmas. Like the American Christmas, it kind of struck me that it’s even worse seen from the perspective of the non-German culture.
I honestly didn’t want to end everything like that, I just wanted to talk out what was bothering me because little discussions like this helped us in the past. I understand your decision though. It’s not likely that I’ll change soon or that this will happen in long term considering we either see each other not or almost constantly over a limited period of time.

Please tell your family too, that I’m sorry, I had a terrible timing and probably the whole situation was a big downer for their holidays. As I told before, I was startled that it went out of my hands and it happened so fast.

You asked, if we would see each other again. I doubt that you are ready for that for quite some time, but I’m open to that (I have to admit, I’m not the one to get her heart broken, so that’s easy to say).
I know I’m already intruding your privacy or save place or whatever by writing to you, but there are things I need to get of my mind. I would have done this by hand, but I was unsure about your uncle’s address and if I sent it to W., I think my timing could be considered bad again. I don’t want to stab a knife in the wound by texting you. I can only start to imagine how much it hurts, so I thought rather do this while he is still in Germany so that it is easier to leave behind. Instead of reminding you of it when you’re back home and hopefully a bit distracted.
So if you don’t want to answer, I understand that. If you want to answer, but don’t want me to say anything, just tell me. And, most important: you said, I was your best friend. I’m not sure if you mean that as best friend in Germany or all over, but at least in W. I can imagine you got good friends to rely on. I didn’t write with many of mine during my stay abroad, but that’s not so important. As long as they are there for you when you need them.
I can imagine you told someone besides your family by now. And they were there for you, told you, time will heal the wounds and they will support you. That your decision was right. But if you still feel like you don’t have anyone close enough (or distant enough) to talk to, I’ll gladly help you. Even though I can’t say I love you, I still care about your wellbeing, so if you feel like it, you can ask me for some mental support.

I regret that you are gone (writing this on the 26th). I missed you yesterday but I’m not sure yet if more out of egoism than out of longing. I was thinking: oh, hey. I still wanted to see the little lord with A. (watch it if you want, it’s a cute Christmas story, works for Easter too), I wanted to eat mushrooms with him – not sure if had any when you stayed with us.
Also, it feels just bad of having you gone just after the presents, they are like a weak Trostpreis… I rather would have you around. I miss the warmth of you in my bed and yes, I was crying a few times yesterday. I don’t know why I don’t cry, but then I cry to people who want to console me. Even though I’m not the one who deserves to be consoled. I’m sorry for hurting you so much.

As our relationship went on, I started to fear if I might be wasting your time. Like taking a chance from you to meet someone who will respond to your feelings the way you deserve it. Still I think, we both got our benefits out of a relationship. I maybe learned how to be more sensitive (even though I messed up in the end), traveled more than I had normally done if you haven’t been there. I wish you that you got more self confidence out of this relationship (yep, sounds contradictory now after I wasn’t able to tell you I loved you), because that’s a trait of mine that helps me get through the bad times. Apparently, it also attracts people. You probably knew it before the relationship, but it is important to talk about problems and worries because they are sometimes way smaller than one would think.
Also you got the stay abroad out of that… You said if telling the truth the exchange semester was for me but still- more independence, language skills, a more realistic view on Germany (this one could be not 100% positive), and riding a Sommerrodelbahn.

Speaking of that, I hope I didn’t ruin Germany for you. Rather think of the good times and don’t get sad every time Germany is mentioned. I don’t want to be a reason a destination is spoiled for you now.

I’m not sure how good a list of pros and cons would be, I just like lists…

-You were very charming and cute when our relationship started, even if I didn’t let you as I didn’t need anyone to tell me how great I am.
-You matched my needs of not telling me stuff mentioned in point one, you probably know that another girl would like to hear that.
-You know that I didn’t feel great about you first telling me your doubts and wanting to break up with me in the summer when you directly after that mentioned sex – try another time next time.
-By the way, you said you felt something was wrong the night of Christmas. Hope you didn’t just base that on me saying I was tired, because I was. Someone can be too tired for sex without having a problem, okay
I wasn’t even thinking about my problems until you asked “promise?”
It’s still me to be blamed, I don’t want to justify myself.
-Being a bit more self confident doesn’t hurt, I was feeling like I had to boost your confidence just so that we get along for long
-Was asking me out so hard by the way? 😉
I think you told me you were afraid I would end our friendship but you know how to avoid those thoughts? You ask a girl out when you find out you want more than friendship before you even are friends, or you tell yourself that the worst thing can be a no but normally that makes things a bit awkward for a short period of time and it won’t end the friendship. In the end, what would you loose? Just a short period that would be less awkward but only in the case she says no. Most girls will be happy someone like you even asks them out (the package “smart, handsome and nice” is normally the category “gay best friend” so I’d say you are a good catch)

I started writing this this morning. Now it’s almost 10pm. So I’m sorry if some of this is not zusammenhängend.
I’m thinking since yesterday: What if my feelings won’t be more intense no matter who it is and I just expect too much from what love is? I was thinking about telling you well in a few years I might have found out that love is just that what I felt with you and I never felt it with anyone again and then I could contact you…. But I think this solution is just a wish thinking (Wunschdenken) of mine to not lose contact completely to you. Makes me very sad to consider that I might never see you again.

Please don’t be restrained to commit to a new relationship now if you are afraid of getting hurt again. I can imagine there is a happy ending for up you out there but you should face it bravely. You’re smart and handsome, have a sense of humor, you can do this. *getting metaphorical now* But a knight has to take off the helmet of his armour to get kissed by the princess.
Even if you don’t find a girl as soon as you want again, you will soon go to college and no matter if it’s Maastricht, Princeton or that one in the north which might give you a full ride, you will meet amazing people there who will keep you busy with there different or almost same views.

That’s pretty much all. I just wanted to get stuff off me. I would have given you this in person and hand written if there was the time for that.

If my brother hasn’t written to you yet, he says thanks for the cinnamon stuff and the back bag.

If I can think of anything else I’ll add it, don’t want to interrupt your ongoing life

27th
Well, dreamed of you this night. Police was looking for a cork tree… You seemed angry or nervous so they took you with them and you had to explain what I did to you and that’s why you are acting weird. Guess my conscience feels pretty bad.
Again, sorry. I guess the best I can offer is that you can turn to me if you need help or just to leave you alone.
Same day, but later… Pretty late. Well, now the breakup thoughts of “what if” and “just imagine this future life you won’t have” start kicking in. Also I’m listening to ABBA and Sunrise Avenue right now. Interesting mixture. But I’m tired, so what I’m writing is probably not so important. I’m talking too much when I’m tired, I’m almost not able to stop myself, so jap, my fault. I was thinking about several scenarios how the night of Christmas could have went out just fine. Just saying “yes, I promise ” would have saved us but on the other hand I won’t lie.

28th
I wanted to send it today but I wasn’t sure.
And I need to say that I’m not sure how much of an appearance I’m still allowed to make in your life without hurting you. Happened to consider that my snapchat posts might be hurtful already. I’m just not able to estimate anymore.
By the way, our problem is from my site. I don’t want to say it definitely, but it could be that I’m aromantic and then there wouldn’t be anything to do about it. Need to have some years to figure it out though- can’t tell from two relationships.
Okay, this letter is starting to turn into something that I’m doing more for myself, so I stop now.
Thanks for having been a good boyfriend.

Enjoy the rest of your time in Germany as much as possible, I wish you health, luck and success for your life.

Sincerely, N.