I haven’t seen you in 6 years. I haven’t held you for 7. I haven’t kissed you for just as long, but sometimes when the mood is right I can still taste you on my lips.
There are nights every once in a while where I go to sleep, comfortable and warm next to my child’s father, only to have you creep into my dreams. When you show up there its like being in Neverneverland, a place where things have not changed and we are the same as we were years ago, just as passionate and reckless. When my conscious-self rips me awake, it takes me a few moments of deep breathing to remember why we ended and why I left you.
Maybe we were just too young. Maybe you never loved me the way I loved you. The way I loved you was reckless. I was an addict, intoxicated by the very thought of you, willing to destroy myself just to get your touch. I could never get enough of you then, and you knew that, you took advantage, you figured I’d always be there. But I wasn’t.
After two years, I decided one day that I needed to put myself first. I needed to leave you like you had done to me so many times before. I just wanted to hurt you. I just wanted you to realize what you lost. I got caught up with others, boys who made me feel like I was shiny and new, boys who made me feel beautiful, boys that I knew would hurt you the most.
Do you remember sitting on your front step; high on life, love and other things. I stroked the hair on your leg for hours. It tickled my hand. That was the first time you told me you loved me. I didn’t say it back. I knew I loved you then, but I told you that I needed to wait, I would tell you when I was ready. I didn’t realize at the time that I would never be ready for the way I would love you.
Do you remember the first time we made love? We were kissing and for some reason I was just ready. It was like I needed to melt into you, I needed to be as close as possible. When we finally became intertwined, I felt dizzy. I almost passed out that day. Never before or after have I felt like that during sex. It was total nirvana. It was like my spirit was lifting out of my body. I think that’s when you imprinted on my heart. You told me afterwards that you didn’t think I would have let you so soon, and I wasn’t offended. I couldn’t explain how it was my heart that decided I was ready, not my mind.
Do you remember when we slept underneath the playground? You had nowhere to go and I didn’t want to go home because my home was with you. You drank too much and I rubbed your back while you vomited. It smelled like blue freezies. It rained that night and we huddled-up together underneath a blanket. I was cold and uncomfortable but the love I felt for you overthrew all of that.
Do you remember when we first met and you looked at me mischievously, singing along to your favorite song, and you held the knife to my throat? I wasn’t scared. The idea that you held my life in that palm of my hand should have been a precursor for how the rest of our relationship would go. You always held my life in your hands. And you weren’t careful.
Do you remember when we first got together? You asked me to ‘be a unit’ and I always loved that. It was unconventional, just like you. You never did anything like everyone else did. You were always unique. I loved that our story was different and I loved that you were.
I’m a different person. I choose comfort over danger now. You were always walking the line of beautiful insanity.
I saw that you have a new girl now. She is beautiful. I knew she would be. Looking at pictures of you together makes my stomach turn all these years later, but the one thing about the pictures of you two, is that you look happy. Your smile looks sincere.
I hope she keeps you out of trouble. I hope she can keep up with you. I hope that she can give you all the things that I couldn’t then and cant now. Every time I think of you, I send you love and light. I don’t know if you feel it but I hope you know that its always there.
We are two pieces of the same puzzle who are so worn and old we no longer fit together. The photo we used to create can no longer be made. That’s okay.
I just hope you know that even when you don’t believe in yourself enough (you never did,) someone out there believes in you.
I hope you are happy (I am) I hope you find peace within yourself (I’m trying.) I hope that sometimes you think of me (I do.)