Dear ‘someone I used to know,’

I wonder how you’re doing, if you’re happier now that I’m out of the picture. You seem happy from what I’ve heard, and I still pray that it’s an act. It’s like I meant nothing to you. I still miss you every day, even though I hate to admitting to it. You act so heartless to me, but I wonder and hope that it’s an act and that you still miss me. I still hope ‘our’ song comes on the radio and your heart skips a beat just thinking of me.

I am extremely sorry for what I’ve done to you, to ‘us.’ I regret it every single day. I’m working on moving on from you and forgiving myself but I just can’t. You gave me everything I could ever want, devoted your time and effort to me and I still told you ‘it wasn’t enough.’ You are an amazing person and yet I still hurt you, and I hate myself every day for it. I wish I could take it back, and I’m learning to accept that I can’t. I wonder how much I hurt you, and how you would feel if I just disappeared. Would you regret not talking to me? Would you continue your life happy as can be?

I often think about slicing my wrists like I used to. I remember promising you no matter what was to happen that I wouldn’t, and trying so hard to stay true to that. When we broke up, I couldn’t stand the fact of us being ‘just friends.’ I couldn’t stand the pain of seeing you and remembering that I can’t kiss you again, so I blocked you out of my life.

No calls, no texts, everything was fine for me. And then Summer ended, and my heart shattered into a million pieces over seeing you again. I tried dating again, and I couldn’t do it. They weren’t you.

I know that you deserve better and I feel fucking selfish for wanting you to be heartbroken over me. I want to wish you the best, but I can’t. I wonder if you still have days where you miss me, and if you ever have this ache that you want to text me but you don’t. I am so sorry for being selfish and ignoring your problems. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could, just to have the chance to talk to you.

I want to start over, but nothing can erase what I have done to you. I can’t turn back time and make you love me, and I am honestly trying my hardest to be okay with that.

I am hoping that in May, when the festival comes to town and I see you again that I feel nothing. That I don’t want to break down, and that I don’t die inside. I want to be able to smile at you, and walk past you; feeling nothing.