I wish we could still talk. I honestly miss your little lectures. The way your passion for knowledge flooded the room and commanded everyones attention. I regret asking you to leave me alone and not contact me anymore. I’m sorry things happened how they did. Your an amazing individual and hope where ever life took you, you found happiness. I miss much more than I can admit. Maybe someday you can break your promise and look me up. I wish you well in all that you do. If we were ever in a garden of stars, you were the moon. Forgive me for drifting away into a black hole. I’ll always be grateful you managed to pull me back out. Someday I might have the courage to repay you. For now, I’ll hide a little message in the vast chasm of the internet and hope, like a message in a bottle, that it somehow finds its way. In the very least may it inspire another to be braver than I.
-K
2 Comments
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For you I’d break that promise in an instant. We can talk & it’s not me ha stopping that. Why say that then for you hurt me even more. Talk to me K?
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As pathetic as it may seem, somewhere deep down in my heart i wanted or (even if i cant own up to it) still wanted us to try again. Im not perfect and neither are you. But no love could ever push away how i felt about you. You meant so much to me. Ill go a while without this truth creeping up on me and i feel so guilty. Like ive robbed everyone ive ever tried to care for the chance to have what we had because i will mever be able to forget it. Its fucked up. But try as hard as i have nothing will ever come close to that. Nothing has ever taken it away. Ive tried to tell you. Something got in the way. Literally i said screw it and was going to drop everything if you still cared about me. Twice in one day i typed up this huge confession and everytime i hit send the internet crashed. I took that as a sign i should just give up. But here i am.. Every few months of having tried to push the past further out of my mind with frivolous distractions and i realize i just cant help myself.. I find myself wondering.. Missing.. Telling myself im insanse for even having had you cross my mind. If anything ive said or say hirt you i am sorry. I felt, then and now, that maybe if i just confessed it would go away. Honesty would set me free. Im wrong. On so manh levels. I just wanted you to know that whatever happens or how you are made to feel in life.. Ill always love you. Ill always hope you see the good in yourself.. The potential to do anything you want. We mah age, we may grow tired.. Life may beat the fuck out of us. Just know youll always be the best decision i ever made. Even if i let my past fuck that up. I should have been more willing to be in the moment with you than let what had happened to me scare me from giving that my all. I may be making a similar mistake now but damn it i tried.. It sill comes back to haunt me. Your smile, the light in your eyes when your passionate about what your talking about. The little things i wish for the sake of it having been easier to forget and move on. Everything i did after it ended.. Everything was to stop myself from ever getting the chance to break your heart again. Be it slow or all at once. I never wanted to hurt you and i knew our connection wouldnt just go away. Thats why i did unthinkable things.. Its stupid i know. I was trying so hard to kill every piece of who i was so i could start over. And i did. My life isnt perfect but i earn what i have and i treasure the moments i can. Dont ever doubt yourself or end up like me.. Wondering if you should.. If you could. It took me god knows how many years its been now to admit any of this. I just needed you to know.. Just some of the truth. I didnt want you to have to wonder. Id give it all to make you smile again. Im terrified id end up hurting you or resparking that feeling just to have to go through all this twice. Even if jts not together.. I just want you to be happy. Just get everything you want out of life.. For all the effort you put into trying to help me do the same.. You deserve that and so much more. Im sorry im such an idiot. Im sorry i cant tell you this myself. I tried and failed. This is the last time ill let myself bring this into the world. This is the truth and it always will be. -KM
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