The J&S Fund

The J&S Fund

The J&S Fund

Dear Samantha,

By the title of this letter you probably know who this is. It seems like its been a long time since we have spoken, it must had been in March or April when quarantine first started. Since our last talk I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still thinking of you. I just want you to know that I don’t hate you for what happened or for what you put me through. If it wasn’t for you I would never be able to read and look into people the way I do now. I would never had listened to Kacey Musgraves on repeat, or view other dudes as sociopaths and douche bags lol. Yes, a part of you has stayed with me, and it probably always will. I saw this meme on FB that I thought was really interesting, it basically said that some people are themselves because of the experiences and things they have gone through because of others. Some people still listen to music that they were introduced by others, or they eat sushi because of someone that they don’t talk to anymore, or they watch shows and movies that someone else introduced them to: they are a mosaic of anyone they have ever been around with.

I have had other girlfriends before you, and fallen in love before. I still reuse my bath towels because Sandi showed me how to do that, I make certain jokes because of Bianca. Now I see the world and people a little bit different because of you. 

I know that the love we had was so real and so beautiful. We went through a lot Sam. I think of how I first met you and we had our first kiss behind that pillar in front of the gymnastics place and I laugh at the thought of an old lady seeing us kiss. I remember you putting together that table backwards with a smile on your face and how cute it was. Shit got real when in 2017 you had that condition where you couldn’t walk. I was there by your side, I know I must had made you feel like I didn’t want you because you couldn’t walk, and I am sorry for that. Just know that even a physical disability did not push me away from you because I was committed to our love that we had.

I don’t just miss you though, I miss the other two special ladies that I had: S and P. I think of them still. When I’m at work I will play with the kids and twirl them around and I think of how I used to do that with S. I hope they are ok.

I have learned that you have someone else in your life now. Wow. You got what you truly wanted. Good for you. She is going to have some big shoes to fill lol. I’m sure she is capable though.

I have to say something, you were right, we just don’t work out. I realized this many months later after not talking to you and thinking about things.

BTW remember that weird Bew-Bew-Bew-Bew-Bew noise I used to make that sounded real silly? I got it from a song by the artist called Birdy. The song is 86 Charlie. You should check it out, its actually a song I listened to and cried with when you first moved to CA. Also I been thinking, did you ever find that letter I hide from you?

TBH I’m not sure if I will ever fully fall in love again the way I did with you. You showed me new experiences and things that I have never seen before and it meant so much to me. You showed me what fun could be like and how life can be an adventure!! You were truly my best friend Samantha…. I will always know you as such.

I want you to be careful though. I know that some of the people you surround yourself with may be toxic to you, and if you need to separate yourself from them then you should. Surround yourself with good vibes only schweety!! Oh yeah, don’t forget to take your meds.

There’s so much more that I can say to you bubble gum princess, but I think I have given myself a level of closure with this letter. You will always be a part of me mi amor. 

Your free now.



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