He hurt me but I still want the best for him

He hurt me but I still want the best for him

He hurt me but I still want the best for him

LTME-postDear ex, I never thought things would turn out this way, when we met last year after i had already been hurt, you saved me, made me feel special, I honestly felt so lucky to be with you. At the start, things were amazing, booking hotels together on weekends (it was a long/short distance relationship) eventually you was able to stay at mine, my mum was just so hesitant because as I mentioned, I had my heartbroken already last year and you knew this yet right before our year together, you leave me. Now I feel like the whole relationship was just a joke, it makes my stomach turn, I loved you and I thought you loved me. I did everything I could to make you happy, I was always there for you, always got you the things you wanted, I trusted you. You spent my 21st birthday with me and I was looking forward to spending your 23rd birthday with you, I had everything set out for you, had cupcakes made for you, your favourite oreo biscuit ones, even my parents had a birthday present for you but you decided to end things the day after your birthday, that’s something you’ll never forget. You was more excited for our year together than I was and yet it never Happened, we were so close to reliving the weekend we met, bonfire night would have been perfect. I went through the new year with you, first new years kiss of my life, I felt so special. When my previous ex broke my heart, I was diagnosed with mental health but again W, you knew this, I never hid anything from you, I was open and honest always. I trusted you with my heart and you broke it again.

When you broke up with me, at first you ignored me, the only guy I wanted to talk to was ignoring me, I just wanted answers. You eventually started talking and said you just want to be on your own, you preferred it apparently and so even though I was wiping away every tear that was falling down my face, I respected that you wanted to be on your own. I asked if we could be friends, you hesitated, then you blocked me on everything for no reason at all, I never did anything wrong to you when we were together all I ever did was make you my priority and make you happy. In the end the truth came out, you said you left because I told you I couldn’t live without you and you didn’t want my life on your conscience.. this is the thing W, I was happy with you, yes you had flaws but so does everyone, I looked past them. You left me because of my mental health, said you felt trapped, if you confided in me and told me how you felt then you know I would have been understanding and I would have fought for us again.

I was always the one to fix things, I was the only one fighting, there were times when you thought I would leave you like 2 months in for example when you said you lost feelings for me, I was ready to say goodbye right there and then but you persuaded me to stay, said feelings can come back, I thought they did for you, I really did. But after recently finding out you cheated since the beginning, I guess those feelings were never there.

I want you to know, I don’t regret the memories we shared, it was literally the best year of my life, I was so happy and felt so lucky, how could I regret something that made me feel that way? I was on top of the world being with you and I wanted to make you happy for the rest of my life.

When you left, my mental health reappeared, all those times you begged me to stay and I did because i loved you and I would never dream of hurting you, but you left me in the end. Leaving me completely destroyed me, I was so lost, I still feel it now, the pain, it’s excruciating, I would never wish it on anyone. You didn’t understand how much you had already hurt me and so you continued to do so, you said horrible things, you lied to me, made me feel worthless, we never actually said goodbye and that hurts so damn much. We always said ‘see you soon, and so I never thought the last time I saw you would actually be our last goodbye, you decided to end things by text because you wouldn’t have been able to see me fall apart.

I gave my all to you and you hurt me, I am scared to commit to anyone else and I think I will feel that way for a very long time. For you, you’ve already moved on, it’s only been 2 months since we broke up and I feel as though you was with her a lot longer, our relationship obviously meant nothing to you if you can just move on, I’m the only one hurting, it literally destroyed me when I found out you have a rebound girl, I would never move on as fast even if I actually could because I would never want to hurt you like that. Yes when we broke up, I said things out of anger, but I was upset and angry and my mental state was all over the place, I just didn’t want to be here anymore, I’ve never wanted to end my life so much as I did when you damaged me.

I just want you to know that despite what you have done I will always be here if you ever need me because I still care about you, the feelings have gone seen as you cheated and moved on, I don’t feel anything for you anymore, yes I will miss you and it will take me a long time to recover but believe me, I’ll make it, I’m going to focus on my goals and make myself proud, I’m going to learn to love myself before loving anyone else and I am going to look and feel amazing before that ever happens. There’s someone out there who will share a future with me, I want to become the best person I can before that someone finds me. I will make sure I never get too attached again, I will rely on myself instead of the man I’m with because I’ve learnt, some people only make you happy for a certain period of time but there’s always that risk they will leave you and if you don’t learn from your past mistakes, you end up crying an ocean.

It’s been 2 months since we broke up and I’ve only been out of the house 5 times since, that stops today, I’ve had my time to grieve, now I need to be strong, stronger than I’ve ever been before to be able to get through this but believe me, I will get through this because I’m a natural born fighter, that’s why I always fought for us. You will have to live with everything you did to me, at least if anything I don’t have to blame myself because I never did anything wrong during the relationship. I sent you a cake saying sorry when I did wrong, so I apologised, you never gave a proper apology, you haven’t gave us closure.

I’m going to learn to move on now, I never wanted us to be enemies so don’t see it as though we are because to me we’re not, I’ve saved all the memories In a box which I will fill for the rest of my life, I’ll always remember what we had because you had been the best boyfriend I ever had by far, I’m just hurt that you cheated. I don’t know if things are meant to be but if they are you’ll find your way back in the future, if you don’t then we were never meant to be. I hope we do see each other again one day, can look back on the relationship we had. I look back on it now and even though it brings tears down my face that we’re not together anymore, I’m thankful we were.

But that’s it now, time to make something of my life, time to become the best version of myself that you and NOBODY else has ever seen, no more staying awake all night, no more crying all day over you, no more letting others win, time to focus on myself.

I wish you the best W, I really do, I hope you find your happiness, please don’t hurt anyone else the way you hurt me though, hearts are delicate things, there’s only so much an individual can take. If we see each other in the future then I’ll see you soon, if we don’t then goodbye, I’ll miss you but I won’t miss you forever, thank you for the memories, I’ll hold on to them for as long as I live. Good luck with everything.

Sincerely, the girl who would have gave you the whole world and who would have done anything, absolutely anything just to keep a smile on your face.


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