“I’ve lost the best thing I had already and I don’t care of anything that is left, I’m a good person I do good, I hate very little and I will always remain that way”

Amongst many of the words and sentences you told me I ignored this is something which haunts me. I lied to you and lied to the best thing that ever happened to me. You’ve reached a point where I can’t pull you back and no matter how much I apologize you say you forgive me, I know deep down this isn’t the case. You can’t look at me the same or even be the same because the damage done is not reversible.

Each day for me I remember and envy my own self for what I once had how happy I was and how I lived my life to the fullest. I was able to be myself and be whatever I wanted, you accepted it and enjoyed it with me.

I crushed your feelings, walked over the relationship, grabbed your heart and threw it. I lied. I can’t change that. I was never the person I became and I hate that.

People make mistakes some reversible and others not. How stupid I had signs pointing at me telling me this won’t be fixable “You can stop it, end it now and it would all change back to how it was? Would you? Does it mean that much to you?” I hear this every day and I can only deeply say I now know what you meant. I sit here daily thinking why I did this and why didn’t I end the pain. The pains now sat with me I deserve this. As much as you’d say don’t feel bad lets deal with it I can’t, I’m so deeply in love with you being practical does come into question.

My life was something I had imagined in my dreams as a kid and I was living it with the person I had once had in my dreams. Why would I damage it? What would I gain? What made me do this? Sadness and sorrow fills my heart and mind daily I try so hard to drain it all out, I wake up and its all there again. Im back in the cold world of being alone once again which is what I feared growing up and I never thought I would be in once I had met you.

I look for the day when i can think of you and not feel like im cutting myself and hurting. Maybe one day that place next to you will be with me again. Just remember if there is someone else there i will know that person is nobody still because i reside somewhere where no one will take and you within me as well.

Your still around me day and night, the smell of your fragrance, the smell of the freshly washed bedding, the smell of 18TH October, the scent left on my fingers from running my hands throughout your hair, the scent once left on me from when you’d hug me and I would walk away, the box at home with your belongings I open and smell. I’m left with memories which I fear will only be memories of that dream I once had and lived.

“the love I have for you is enough to keep me going” the love will now keep me going for the rest of my life whether or not we are together I will live my life how I had intended with you but without you.

I can now say I am you … I miss you so much I will always reside in your heart and you in mine I hold onto that and that no one can take away from me and me myself I can’t ruin that.

“I’ve lost the best thing I had already and I don’t care of anything that is left, I’m a good person I do good, I hate very little and I will always remain that way”