When we woke up everyday
It was each other that we texted.
When we went to bed at night we couldn’t stop talking. For several years.
You weren’t perfect nor was I. But I loved every damaged part of you. And the comfort i felt around you allowed me to be myself unlike my ability to be so around anyone else. You always took the time to make me feel loved and were very affectionate in ways others always neglected. You even walked all the way to see me one night for hugs. You cared about sharing memories with me. You’re the only person that i always felt weak and nervous saying I love you to.. for fear that you wouldn’t love me back.
But you did. I’m sure by now you’re beyond sick of my words and have even told me to stop. I do plan to, but I feel I’m entitled to healing. Do you ever care about me? If I’m okay? If my life was ruined?
Either way, I can tell you it’s not. Life is a series of beautiful and heartbreaking moments that force us to either give in and feel the moment or run. And in your case, you ran. You chose what was best for you and I get that she was that.
You really are a kind soul however selfish and sacrificing you are. I hope that I instilled all of those good qualities that will make you a good husband. This is my letter of acceptance. I love you. As beyond any titles or intentions. I only wish that I could see your life go on happily so that I knew you were gaining everything you deserve.
It’s easy for someone like you to get over something we had as i was just one of many in your life and you have her tone place any empty spaces left inside. I envy that.
You’re still the only one I’ve been with since all of this and I’ve chosen to focus on me. Love isn’t the main focus of life but I allowed what I felt for you to dictate what I wanted in my life. Which was to never lose your sweet embrace. To never lose that conversation and unique sense of dirty talk which so humored and enticed me.
Here’s my situation dear Chris. I live where I did when we were involved. I walk past the spot we would meet at and stop to look back. To feel for a moment. But you’re not there. Your truck will never pull up to see me. You were always so sweet and kind to be there for me to the extent you could.
It’s like when someone you love dies. You see flashes of memories in different locations you have memories at. That’s sad and soothing to me because I have lost someone to death and went through this. It soothes me because I know that it will fade but I promise you I will never stop dreaming that you have the life you deserve and in my deepest dreams, that I meant something to you and you never left me. If you ever need a friend I am here. I’m here in the way love has always allowed me to be. Selflessly. I miss our friendship. I didn’t deserve to be cut off as I had no reason to ruin your life. I did need to have space to heal from my loss.
My dreams are coming true however and I know this has had to happen so I might grow spiritually. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right? If we allow it of course. Which is why I chose to stop feeling bitter and angry at how I was thrown away. Did you know I could have healed if you cared enough to let me know that I did matter and you cared? I could have just walked away and let you have happiness because that’s what love does. It’s selfless and I want your happiness more than mine. I’m waiting for the day that God takes away my moments of pain but i believe they may be here to stay. God knows what he’s doing.
You were the only person I’ve had chemistry with and the first I’ve fallen in love with. I’m sorry I couldn’t be any other person in the world because you would have married anyone that simply wasn’t me. Take care dude. I hope you get to have children that you want and live the life you feel is supposed to happen in a man’s life. I cannot help but to suspect you had been seeing her for longer than I knew about.
I’ll always be here. You can’t enter someone’s soul and leave them as though they never existed because they do… and always will.
Sincerely, trying to move on