Dear J,

it’s been not even a year since we ended “us” but I think about you all the time. It’s crazy how you went from being the great guy who told me I could trust you to being the guy who made me into a woman who can’t believe in love anymore.
I had never opened up to someone more than I did to you. You knew everything about me that even my closest friends or family members would never find out. You knew about my problems, but you told me

“I don’t care how ugly or scary you get, I’ll always be beside you.”

That quote replays in my head almost everyday. Although it was a quick line that probably meant nothing to you, it meant everything to me. You’ve moved on now. She’s beautiful. She’s smart, sophisticated. She has many things coming for her, being an actor. I was jealous of how she got to reap the rewards of what I taught you.

I was your first girlfriend, and I felt like you never knew what to do with me. We were awkward, but from the summer party I knew we were in love. The way you looked at me, eyes dilated when you stared straight at me. Your face flushing pink.

Too bad it was how you saw her too.

In the last two months we dated, I knew you didn’t feel as strong with me anymore. I had heard rumors about how you would flirt with her. I didn’t want to believe it because I really loved you. But with my personality, I decided it was best to bring it up. I could tell you were upset so I wanted to drop it again. But things never changed. You continued to openly flirt with her, even letting her kiss you. Acting or not, if you had told me it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. But the fact that you hid it, made it worse for me when I found out. There are boundaries when you’re dating someone but you didn’t think it through. I felt crushed.

After our breakup, I saw someone else. He was sensible and incredible. He treated me like I was a queen. He loved me and was perfect. But I ended things because I knew I still loved you even five months after the breakup. It wasn’t fair for him.

I really loved you. And I still do. I care about you too much for me to express. You got a role in a production, and when I came to see it after a lot of people pushing me to, I felt my heart crush seeing you on stage with her. Both of you are wonderful actors. And you’re wonderful people. It was a comedy, and I cried.

When someone pointed out I was crying, I told them the play was too funny, but in reality… I cried because I saw you. It sucks knowing that you probably don’t feel the same. You seem happy with her.

I just wish our relationship didn’t take such a huge toll on me. It made me realize I couldn’t trust anyone. That love is just temporary and no matter how much you care about someone, if they find someone physically more attractive and “better”, they’ll move on. She’s not as awkward as I am. Or as self conscious. She’s not a classical musical nerd which you really disliked listening to. She doesn’t like KPOP, you always thought I was weird for loving it. You had low self esteem issues but I showered you in compliments because I really loved everything about you. You just didn’t see you as how I saw you.

We broke up with no shouts, screams, nothing. A lot of people said it was “mature,” but I think it’s because we’re both too scared to talk to each other again. You knew what you did, and you hate yourself for it. But you moved on so fast, it hurt. It’s a knot of emotions, but I don’t think I will ever have closure. We’re able to talk slightly, but gosh damn I wish I had a chance to yell it out. I wish I had the chance to tell you about how much you hurt me despite all the care I had for you. I wish I could yell at you for getting into a relationship when you weren’t even sure you wanted one. I wish you never would have asked me out or told me how you’d always be there.

But that’s just selfish of me isn’t it? You’re happy…I should be happy too.