Since I was not given a formal goodbye, this is it. You know I would say I’m surprised that you didn’t say goodbye but I’m not. I feel more ashamed that I let you come back the fourth time. All I can think is how naïve I must be. I guess we can all be at one point or another. As much as I could take this moment to talk about all the reasons I feel wronged. I can’t. I will miss you. I miss having you to talk to. I miss holding you and you holding me. It feels strange to pretend to not know you anymore.
I miss your goofy humor. You’re drive to make your dreams come true no matter what. I’ll miss your taste in music even if I was a little resistant to it in the beginning. I’ll even miss arguing with you for no reason.
I went to Acoustic during Mid West Music Fest and you looked past me and said hi to a friend I was with instead. That felt like a cold hard slap to the face. It feels like I did something wrong. The problem is I can’t think of what. I keep replaying things over and over in my head. Maybe I was too much. Maybe that one day I called too much because I wanted to hang out with you and I figured you were sleeping. But maybe you weren’t sleeping at all. Maybe you just didn’t want to see me. I just have to accept the fact that you don’t want to see me anymore. I’m sorry if I annoyed you, overwhelmed you or upset you. It wasn’t my intention.
I’ll never forget you because you were my first for a few things. My first boyfriend, the first to show me that you can have someone be more than just a best friend…the first to not make me feel like a disposable Kleenex. You made me feel beautiful even when I didn’t believe it myself.
You are the reason I even picked up a pencil and found my minor. You’re the reason that I pushed myself to go out and do something and not watch life pass me by. You showed me that my parents are just people and make mistakes and that I can’t hold things against them forever. You showed me that it’s okay to not have the same friends forever, no matter how hard it can be to say goodbye.
The hardest part is not knowing why you didn’t say goodbye. I asked you that even if you planned to end it to at least talk to me first. It feels like being ghosted. I know how Hannah felt when David did the same to her. You’re just left with all this uncertainty. Left with the feeling of being unworthy of explanation. That I meant nothing…It was silly of me to assume that even if we weren’t sleeping together that we would still remain close friends. I guess some things are just don’t work out and that’s okay.
But maybe this is for the best. I’ll go my way and you go yours. I hope the future brings you wonderful things. I hope you can make it out to L.A. and get recognized. I hope you can open that café in Seattle. I hope you start an art movement. But most of all I hope you end up happy.
I’ll never forget all the nights we stayed up watching movies, the cruises we went on, the long talks about everything, the endless laughs and smiles, and even the times we cried when life was just hitting hard. You will always have a place in my heart. I will always care about you. I will always love you.
You texted me for the first time in over a month while I was writing this letter. It’s strange how some things work.