Three years ago, I told you I could not handle it and I let you go. A decision I had made in a split second has made me suffer until today.
I let you go, not because I stopped loving you then. I had to do it because I knew I could not let myself fall any deeper into my emotions knowing that your heart was not completely mine. I knew she was back. I knew I could not compete with your first love. I was insecure. I still am, sometimes. I felt worthless because of how easy it was for her to get your attention. So I let you go because I could not stay quiet and be angry at the same time, just to take it out on you and ruin what we had. Though in the end, my weakness led to our bitter ending when you just let it happen. You did not fight to save us. It was easy for you.
While I was away, you found her. You found happiness with her. Something I had always hoped you felt with me; as you were part of my happiness.
Months later, you sought for me. I knew it was a bad idea. You came back for me and I believed in those silly love quotes. I thought you were finally mine again. I thought we could be happy together, again.
3 years, and within that time, you came and left. You were with her and when you were finally available again. Confusing the both of us. Frustrating me to the point that you gave up on us because I was always upset. Too upset, it stressed you out. So in the end, there was nothing worth saving.
But little did you know, each second we spent together since that day 3 years ago.. I realized how capable I was to love so much. A sane person would say I have wasted my heart and time. I loved too deeply, and I longed for someone who will probably never be back.
I used to punish myself. I was miserable for loving you. Now I realize that maybe there is nothing wrong with how I’m feeling. The heart wants what it wants. So now my heart tells me to fill it with ways to love myself. I miss you still. So instead of loving you as I used to do, now I pray you are happy and healthy and successful in anything you do.
If that is the only way to love you, then I hope the past three years was not a waste. I hope that my prayers helped you in one way or another. More than anything, I hope you realize that I never stopped wanting or trying to be there for you, whether you realize it or not.
You are forever my favourite person.
With love, completely and deeply,