Yeah you. Just popping in to say that I still love you.
For 6 months I harbored resentment towards you for the way our break up made me feel. All my anger and loneliness and insecurity was channeled into a mental war of Me vs You. You made me hurt so badly. You uttered the words that ended the most amazing thing that I have experienced in my short life. Suddenly, you were Enemy #1.
But you were only the messenger, doing what had to be done for both of us to grow. If not you, it would have been me. One of us had to be the bad guy. One of us had to end it eventually.
And I’m sorry it was you, because I wish I didn’t have hate you for so long afterwards. (Yet I am happy that you never experienced the same pain I did, that I never had to inflict that on you.)
Because I love you.
As soon as I saw you again after all this time, I realized you weren’t the monster I’d built you up to be. That was all me. It was only in my head.
And as soon as we began to talk, about our separate lives and our struggles apart, I felt the anger melt away. Every last bit of resentment was erased and I only wanted the best for you. I felt genuinely happy at what you have accomplished without me and I felt pain when you told me about your set backs. The more we talked, the more you became the boy I fell in love with.
It wasn’t until I found myself hoping that you meet an amazing girl that I realized I still love you. Of course I wish that girl could be me. But that’s not possible. I know many hope their ex will “downgrade” and date someone uglier, or less intelligent, or lacking in some other way. But I can’t wish that for you.
And though it kills to think of you holding another girl the same way, showing her such adoration as you’ve shown me;
And though it makes me sad to think that I will never feel the warmth of your love and you nurturing spirit for the rest of my years;
And though, to be honest, I feel jealous knowing that someone will be able to turn you on more than I ever could;
I want you to feel warmth and happiness from the bottom of your heart as long as you live. I want you to find someone you are compatible with in every way. Someone who will wake up next to you each morning and kiss you, morning breath and all. Someone who will look at you through her sleep-encrusted eyes and see the same glowing face I saw when we were together. Someone who will walk around in a baggy T-shirt and unshaven legs without feeling self conscious because she knows you love her unconditionally.
I suppose I had forgotten what it felt like to love somebody. In those 6 months I let my resentment cloud my memories and tricked myself into believing I was not capable of love. But that love has persisted even though we are not together. I am still proud of the person you are growing up to be and want you to have the best life possible. And it seems that neither of us can experience personal growth together, so I will continue to root for you from afar.
I am lucky to have spent the time I did with you. You opened my eyes to an entire spectrum of emotions I didn’t know were possible to experience.
Honestly, I miss you like hell. But as much as I loved Us, I love You and I love Me. Each of us will parallel lives – parallel lines – never to cross. And I want You to be happy. And I need Me to be happy. And we will live our lives apart. And we will be happy. And I will still love you.
P.S. So many “ands” and “buts” in this letter. Our old English teacher would have killed me. But I feel like they are an accurate reflection of our relationship, no?