Babe

Saying that the past few months had their ups and downs is a damn understatement. On some days I was fine. On others, I wasn’t.
I’m still standing, though, I haven’t given up just yet.
But the things that started going through my mind these days is making it harder for me. I’ve caught myself thinking that we might still have a chance. And even after every lie you’ve told and everything you did that broke me and drove me over the edge, every single time you let me down, every time you made me feel inadequate, every time you treated me like a child…

Besides, we already did try again. I remember that night late in March; you looked me in the eyes and told me that you wanted a future with me in it. You apologised for treating me so badly. You made so many promises that night. You said you loved me so many times. I was so exstatically happy that we could try again. I remember feeling my heart swell up with love. I was so happy I started crying.
But it only took a few weeks for you to go back to old habits. You said you don’t know what you want. Then it was finally over.

The first few weeks I felt like I could handle it. Then a dark cloud came over me and I lost control for a while. I got up and moved on again though. There were days where I could see myself finding love again somewhere else. But to this day I could never fall in love with someone else. It’s always been you. I tried so hard and I looked everywhere, but I just ended up hurting other people for no reason. I had no contact with you and I never saw you, so it did make things a bit easier. Hearing someone speak your name still killed me inside. Things got worse when I found out you found someone else to love. All this time I’ve been hoping you would realise that you were wrong and come back. But you never did. Instead you did what I was trying so desperately to do. You moved on. And I hated you for it.

Last friday night put the last nail in my coffin. Your cousin’s farewell party. I didn’t want to go because I knew you’d be there. I still went. Acting happy and upbeat was easier than I thought it would be. I really did enjoy myself. I even got along well with your new girlfriend and nobody even suspected what I was really feeling.
And then you started getting comfortable. Or whatever it’s called.
You started joking with me. You’d touch me when no one was looking. You gave my sly smiles.
AND I ACTUALLY FELT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
You gave me attention and I couldn’t help but fall for your snake-charm. That was all it took for me to want to forget EVERYTHING you’ve made me feel in the past and jump right back in to your arms.
But wait, you have a new girlfriend who is about to move all the way here to come be with you.
And here I was still falling for your games.

I moved to this city for you. And I realised that I stayed here after you left me, even though there was nothing left for me here, because I still had the tiniest bit of hope that you still loved me.
But I see now. You never loved me. You don’t destroy people you love! And you don’t keep playing with people you loved after you already took every tiny bit of happiness from them. And you don’t go back when they finally start being happy again, just to break them all over again.
I really did love you. My love was sincere and it was true. I never lied to you. I never cheated or played you. I gave everything up for you. When you said “jump!”, the only thing I asked was “how high?”
You were my whole world. I’ve never felt anything like the love I had for you. Even now. If you called me right this second and asked for my forgiveness, I would give it wholeheartedly.
That is how much I still love you. I’d do anything for you.
But you really couln’t care less, could you?
So for now I’ll just keep on in this place I don’t belong.
Praying for the day I no longer feel pain.
At least now I know not to expect anything real from you.
I don’t have anything else left to say. So I hope my tears will dry up with my words…

Yours sincerely.
The only person that would never give up on you.
Baby Boo*