Who were you? Who are you?

Who were you? Who are you?

Who were you? Who are you?


Dearest Mikel:

I would like you to read ALL of this letter and then you can throw it away/burn or whatever you would like to do.

I want you to imagine this specific situation: picture a woman lying down on her bad at night; she’s desperately trying to keep her tears from falling because she doesn’t want to be that cliché weak girl who cries herself to sleep. She’s trying so desperately to think of something else; to take her mind off of the pain that she’s feeling in that moment. But when her mind refuses to just think of anything, she tries to accept these uncomfortable thoughts. She tries to rationalize everything that she’s just been through. She’s trying to make sense of her situation. She’s trying to gain closure so that she can move on from this breakup that has been like a living hell for her. Now, I want you to picture my face on that woman. Because that’s exactly what I was doing not too long ago. That was me.
I was on my bed – and that wasn’t just one night. That was a series of countless sleepless nights that I spent awake thinking about us; thinking about you. I was the woman who was feeling emotionally distraught. I was the woman who was emotionally broken. I had to endure so many months of you making me feel like I was crazy for the way I was. I had to endure so many months of you treating me like you did not care if I was with you or away because you heart was not really in this relationship. I had to endure so many months of you just not giving me the love, security, affection, care, and consistency that I needed from you to feel safe. I had to endure so many months of you taking me for granted even when I was ready to just give you everything I had. We were so close to having it all. But despite all of that, I just want to let you know that I carry no hatred in my heart. Instead, I carry gratitude. At this moment of writing, I am no longer angry. I am no longer upset. I am no longer mad or bitter.
I want you to know that at this moment, I am free from the emotional hold that you used to have over me. Words cannot express how strong it was. I want to thank you; not for everything that you did to me, but for all the lessons that I had to force myself to learn when I was with you.
I came to the realization that none of it was my fault, the way you made me think, feel, as if I was so crazy because in my heart, I was terrified of you walking away for good, as you did 3 times before. I was scared you were going to leave me for another female. The insecurity that I felt when we were together, I had NEVER experienced that before. I have always been confident, sure of myself and what I stood for. You broke that inside my soul. All because you needed the attention of other woman, you broke the trust. I learned that the problem wasn’t with me after all; but rather, it was all with you. You were the toxic one between the two of us. You were the problematic one. You were the one who had so many issues and demons that just needed addressing. You were the one who wasn’t right in the head. I always felt the time you spend in the coast guard, they really made you “learn” how to not feel emotions, and that broke my heart. I am not perfect or never will claim to be but I wanted you to be more open, to tell me what was on your mind or heart. I wanted you to trust me with anything and everything. You were so closed, never wanted me to see your weak side. I was okay with seeing that, with accepting your weakness and wanted so much to help you through things.
I wanted to help you be a better person, to stand by your side with anything you wanted to do or experience in life. I am at a point in my life where I am slowly emerging back to reality after being stuck for so long in the dark hole that you put me in. I am now free of the shackles and chains that you bound me to. I am now constantly reminding myself every day of how I am far from the woman who you saw me as; and that I always deserve the best in life. I now know that I am enough; that I am deserving of the best things that life has to offer. And that’s all because of you. So, that’s why in spite of it all; in spite of everything that you and I have been through, I am thankful.
It’s because of you that I know to ALWAYS demand for more; that I will continue to for what I want, hell you know I fought for us time and time again; that I should never settle for anything less than I deserve. I now know that I deserve someone who is never going to lie to me; someone who isn’t going to manipulate me with deceit and dishonesty.
I now know that I deserve someone who is always going to show appreciation and gratitude for me and that I deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to break my heart on a daily basis; but for someone who is going to do whatever it takes to take care of me, to take care of my heart, to make me their number one. I now know that I deserve to be with someone who is always going to prioritize my sense of happiness and well-being. I know that I deserve someone who is going to bring out the best in me, at times you did; someone who makes me stronger. I now know, because of you, that I deserve to be with someone who loves me for me.
With all that said Mikel, it HAS taken this long for me to just be “okay”. We both know you didn’t love me, you moved on the same week we broke up. I needed to send this as part of my healing process. I need you to know that my behaviors during the time we were together, the always wanting to know where you were or not wanting you to go places, was so out of my character. Those actions were solely on you breaking the trust in the very beginning of US. I am sorry. Also, for all the times the people who were in my life reached out to you to make you feel you needed to always be looking behind you, I am sorry. I thought they had good intentions and they did not. I am sorry for making you feel like you had to always check in or I would be mad, never my intention to make you feel that way. I didn’t trust you, I tried to deal with our situation as best as I could, being I loved you so much and did not want to walk away for good. I am sorry for you feeling I was bugging you, these past few months, it was because I still loved you and regardless of what I heard, saw, I still wanted you, wanted US.
You know me better than a lot of people on this planet, what was so hard for me to understand or try to understand was with was the anger you had for me. I never hurt you, or wished harm your way. I never cheated or entertained other men, it was always and ONLY YOU. I felt I loved you the best I could but you were not able to step back and see that it was because of the love I had for you, that I was hurting so much? I just wanted you to see that. These people who would send you things, me things, the things they would tell me, your with this person or that person, that you have a herpes, pictures of your mouth, that someone is pregnant, that crushed my soul more than you could imagine. With that situation, again, you were too stubborn to see it or understand where I could have been feeling pain.
I do not regret you. I appreciate you and the times we shared, memories we made, the love I felt we did share. A love of a lifetime for me. You showed me what real love was, and that I had never experienced before, and I know one day I will feel again. I only wish the best for you, good health and for you to find what you really are looking for.
I will always have a place in my heart for you, 2 1/2 years is a longtime, but the feelings I have this day are so different than what they once were.
This has been a long healing process for me, and although I don’t know what the future holds or what tomorrow may bring, I am at peace. I have not been in a relationship since we ended things, how could I be? I am focusing on ME. My career, my health, the surgery I finally wanted, traveling and learning to love myself first. I have no negativity in my life, only positive vibes.
I am happy now.
Thank you for reading this letter, I know it’s long, but this is the last time you will hear from me.

I hope you are doing well, living your life, and are genuinely happy.

Goodbye for always…..


P.S. He just posted on social media a picture with a new female, mind you I was with him and of what I knew he never posted relationship stuff. I am numb, still heartbroken and trying so hard to move on.

1 Comment

  1. Jz 1 year ago

    This letter literally broke me and made me cry. Ive been through all that you have written.
    Keep moving forward and always remember you do deserve happiness love and peace with yourself.

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