We fell in love so quickly but we fell in love at the wrong time. I never should have had the time apart so soon into a relationship. You built up so much expectations and anticipation for our first trip away, after only a month together. For weeks and weeks, in the 7 weeks apart before your flight to meet me, you would tell me I was your soulmate, that I was the one and that your future was with me. I remember ever second of the taxi ride to pick you up at the airport. You told me you felt like you were in a dream getting on the plane to see me. I was so nervous, so anxious to see you again, so excited to explore Europe with you. I had a ring out there to propose to you.

I don’t know what happened. You were there two hours and cried saying you were homesick and missed your parents. You had talked so much about not being able to wait to say ‘those three little words’ to me. You barely smiled the whole time after that. We went to the zoo, you didn’t smile.

I don’t know what you expected from me when you stepped off the plane. You said I was your prince, your rock, your entire world. We would send intense messages to each other and I feel you built me up your head as this perfect, sexy man instead of just seeing the real me that you’d fallen in love with. You cried every night. You asked what the point of you was, said anyone else would have told you to get out, that I was too good to you.

I guess being good wasn’t enough.

When we came back, I was rocked by how you were out there. I was so worried about you and I was emotionally drained. I had been worried for a long time, when you called yourself insignificant, said you’d never been happy before. I remember when you said I made you happier than you’d ever been, that you saw a future you never dreamed possible.

I just couldn’t be the man that made you smile and laugh after that. I didn’t know how to talk to you, what to say, how to act. I tried to open up about my own insecurities to show you that it was OK to do so. I feel I overdid it and just pushed you away. You would get upset if I didn’t reply to your messages, but if I sent too many I felt like I was being needy. It was like I couldn’t win.

All those insecurities were there because of how you were on the trip. They were embellished because I wanted to make you feel strong again, to feel valued again, because you’d told me you had ruined everything.

You met my parents. You hugged my Mum. And you broke up with me three weeks later.

I’ve never been angry with you.

You told me the attraction wasn’t there anymore. The man I became was because I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t understand how you could go from wanting to marry and have children with me to ending things in the space of five months. You pushed for commitment, pushed for a future, wanted to keep me forever. I bought into it.

I wish you could have seen that if we’d never done that trip we would have been fine. You never gave it a chance, never gave me a chance, to give you the romantic trip I had wanted, to show you the man I could be. You never understood why I pushed for answers afterwards, as if it was normal to plan a whole future with somebody and say all those intense things, and then just drop off. You never even gave me a chance to talk about it properly, or explain how I felt after giving up the travel. It was my passion and I was giving it up for you, because I loved you and would have done anything to make it work.

I still remember Vienna. Despite your mood out there, I remember that little apartment, how we would snuggle in watching films. I remember the smells of the Christmas market, how we held hands all day. It wasn’t like I imagined – that first night seemed to kill all the spark and passion. But the moments of the trip are burned into my mind. I remember the way you looked in the galleries and museums, the way the snowflakes kissed your cheeks in the winter chill, the way the lights from the market lit up your face, the taste of mulled wine on your lips as I kissed you.

And I just can’t believe it didn’t count for more. You asked to come travelling with me. You asked to go home. I looked after you the whole 10 days even though my heart was breaking.

I had planned the trip for 12 months, from before I met you. And I can’t even look back with fond memories of it because all the while you were out there you were falling out of love with me.

I still don’t understand why.

And I still love you.

I have to see you everyday at work and you got to the point you wouldn’t even smile at me. A year ago today you were saying you wanted me, mind, body and soul, forever. Forever turned out to be 5 months. I can’t stop thinking “If only I’d stayed, if we’d never gone away, would we be engaged right now?”

I miss you. I’ll always miss you. But I don’t think you think about anything at all, not the trip, not the words that were said, not the way you said I made you feel like a woman for the first time in your life, made you feel beautiful. I can’t shake the look you used to give me out of my head. It was filled with so much love and affection. I never thought that girl would leave so quickly.