to the one who left,
i know that we are both terribly sad, broken people on a seemingly impossible journey to escape the people and things that consume our being. we couldn’t kiss away each other’s past, even though we tried, just to feel the indescribable sensation of drowning our evils into each other. the bad parts of me compete with the bad parts of you and sometimes i fear that the worst parts of us will carry us both to the grave. your past chases you like the surf chases the sand and mine swallows me like a crashing wave, and we just wanted to find a spot of dry land within each other. maybe you never found that safe place but i hope you were at least clinging on to the shore.
you now occupy the vacant spaces in my head, and the void in my chest longs for the one in yours. nobody ever warned me about what would happen when i craved someone’s flesh more than i cared for my own. you drank my soul, swallowed me whole, and you painted me pretty pictures that weren’t real.
on our way home that night? your head laying delicately in my lap, as i sang you a quiet, gentle tune, i gazed out of the window and looked at the sky. and there, my heart stopped.
the stars. they were there. i hadn’t even bothered to see if they existed anymore. but they were there, and so were you, and so was i, and so was our past, and so was our future.
the stars are out again tonight, but nothing else remains.
FUCK you.
fuck you for making me think you were in love with me.
i am not mad because you aren’t in love with me, you can’t help that. but i AM mad at you for making me believe otherwise.
i gave you everything. EVERYTHING. and i would have done fucking anything for you. i am not a person that is secure or confident in their being but i know this – i was GOOD to you. i was patient and kind and loving and forgiving, much more than i should have been, considering my recent discovery. and you might never find someone like me ever again. you are missing out.
i dont say that to make you feel guilty, or to make you sorry. of course you’re never even going to read this, but. this is not for you, this is for me. i deserve everything back that i give. when you left, you took everything i gave you with you. all that i have left are empty promises.
if you weren’t in love with me, you will never be in love with anybody.
someday you realize that and come running back to me, but i will not wait for you.
h.r.t
PS – i miss your dog.
1 Comment
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Hey, this coming out of nowhere but I couldn’t apologize the last time we talked, so I’m sorry. I’m sorry for real. And I know we both have said a lot of sorry’s to each other in the past but this has to be the biggest sorry’s of all and should weight the entire sorry’s we both ever said..so I’m sorry for being a bitch, for lying and being a cheapskate. It’s not hard to blame myself and all the things you couldn’t even imagine I’d be. I could have loved better. I could have been more patient. A little less clingy. I could have been this and that but none of that would matter now. I know we’ve send each other countless number of texts like this but I’m guessing this one’s last.
I love you so much. I really do. I’m not saying this to make you reconsider your decision. I just want you to know that I never dated anyone when I was in a relationship with you. I admit that I made a mistake and I know you are not gonna believe anything I say but maybe one day you will know that everything we had was real. You see, I was not the ideal girlfriend you’d like to date but I have less regrets cause at least treated you right, gave you the attention you deserve and made you feel loved. Though I fucked up in the end. I gave my all in this relationship and there were a lot of times where my pride were bruised and I couldn’t even imagine why is was with you but I still chose to stay because that’s what we promised I did not fancy you at all. You were my strength and happiness. And my only dream was to study hard and marry you someday . I tried my best to be good for you even after hearing a lot of stuffs about me, it didn’t bother me at all as long as I’m doing enough to make you feel like I love you. Though at times , I felt sad for you because nobody in your friend or cousin likes me and god knows how much it’ll suck. And regardless of how I really feel about you, it’s still sad to think about it because I never ever thought of using you or took advantage of your love for me. But if that’s what others think then screw them. It’s crazy and it didn’t feel right at all. So maybe, they are right. You deserve a lot better. And I have so less to offer now. out. But for now, I want you to know that everything we had was real. I love you. Every little thing you do makes my heart flutter. Starting from your same lame jokes about brushing teeth, to your stupid mood swings and the way you say you’re sleepy and tired at night with exaggerated sleepy sound, and how you get mad when I call you up in the morning to hear your sleepy voice.. I can write about it forever. Honestly I thought my feelings towards you will fade away or decrease after years of being together but it amazes me how I still feel the same the way I felt 4 years back. I love you so much and it kinda sucks cus I expected the same from you. I know you love me but you hardly make me feel like you do. What happen to that part of the relationship where you ask me how my day went or if there’s anything that’s bothering me or like I miss you leaving texts for me at night about how much you love me. I know we use to do that before. Or maybe, you can ask about my plant LUFFY if you don’t have anything to talk about. I even stopped bringing up about you not giving me time because we barely get to talk and I didn’t want to waste it in another fight which will turn into days of silent treatment. Or maybe you’ll get a quick mood swing and leave me. Every little moment we get to talk was enough for me and I never wanted to talk with you for hours, though that would make me super happy. I still remember me literally begging you to talk with me for atleast 5minutes. before I go to bed. That time I didn’t had a phone and I called you from my friends. I was really happy and excited to tell you about how I got selected in college choir. And I was dying to tell you. But you just hanged up saying that you’re busy. I know I’m being silly but I’m sorry for finding joy in little things.
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