Love…

Love is a funny thing. I have dreamt of it and i have lived it.
People don’t tell you about love is how hard it actually is and how you are effected by being mentally broken from it.

They don’t warn you about how love can crush you, how it can destroy you mentally and physically and break you till you believe that you have nothing else to live for except for that one person you gave your all too.

They don’t tell you that love isn’t all about being happy with the person you wish to share the rest of your life with. They don’t explain to you that making plans of your future with your “one and only” can end so quickly without a second thought.

I once believed as an 18 year old girl that i would one day marry the guy i had been with since i was 15. I know right, 18 and been together for 3 years? and planning our lives together including the marriage, kids, travel.. you know all of that fun exciting stuff you have dreamt about since you first discovered what love was. Some may have said “your too young”, but at the time love was love and that was all it was.. nothing else mattered.
The thought of having my heart ever broken by this person never crossed my mind. This was because i didn’t think it was humanly possible for this to happen. Yes i knew it was possible for him to hurt me, with words or by genuinly being a ‘ guy’ and say stupid things that would upset me. But i never thought it was possible to walk away forever without a last goodbye.

The love shared between us was slowly fading, the intimacy was no longer there. The questions “ what is wrong with you lately your not acting the same” and “ can you please talk to me” were being asked far too often and i think to myself was this what drove him away? Did i love him too much for his own good?

The lack of intimacy and love was not what broke me. What broke me was that the person who told me they would never walk away did, and they did it so so easily… As weeks passed the crying increased. I shut out a lot of people and lied as if i was doing just fine. Little did they know i cried myself to sleep almost every night for 3 months straight. I went out almost every weekend just so i wasn’t at home in bed miserable. I constantly asked my friends to do something with me, it didn’t matter what day of the week it was or what time of the night, as long as i was not alone.

I must admit though, about 3 weeks after we ended i decided i needed to try move on. Although i soon realised this made things worse. I felt like now that i have been with another person, this would push him away even more and there would never be a chance of us being together again.

By me doing this it made me start to second guess myself. If i moved on so fast did i really love him? He hasn’t moved on yet, am i the guilty one in this situation? So many things ran through my head and it didn’t matter where i was or who i was with. I was thinking about him and what i had done every minute of every day.

4 months then passed when i realised 4 things. I thought about this for weeks and i has finally come to the conclusion that
1- i was not guilty just because i had been with someone else after 3 weeks of breaking up.
2- i did love him more then he could ever imagine, more then he could ever love me or anyone else.
3- we would not be together again.
4- i will find love again.

Its been 5 months and i finally feel at peace with myself. I still cry on the occasion, i still glance at the ‘online’ list on my Facebook to see if he’s on even though there would be no chance of messaging him or receiving one, and i even still look at photos and laugh and treasure the memories. Every now and again we see each other, mostly drunk but still not many words are spoken. I can tell he still cares by the way he tries to make me jealous and how often he speaks about me to his and my friends when i don’t even like to hear his name or see his face when we are out.

Theres so many more stories i can tell about my recent break up with the one of thought was the love of my life, like the time i showed up at his house at 3 in the morning drunk, or the time i verbally abused him in a bus ride home or when how i have become friends with benefits with a ‘friend’ of his. All of this being done within the time we have not been together

but i might save myself the extreme embarrassment and just tell you this may have been a little corny and personal, but writing this at 3am at work on my night shift has made me feel a sense of relief. I’m not sure if i will ever post this as i never often do and am not an amazing writer.

Love has been one of the hardest things i have ever had to deal with in the 18 years i have been on this earth. Although it has also been one of the best. I do not regret being with this person and i certainly do not hate him. I just wish he was able to express his feelings better to me, whether it was him loving me or telling me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

There is nothing i can do now except help myself move on. i have had to adapt to the life of a single 18 year old, which i must admit has been quite exciting and fun although having him on the back of my mind everyday has been difficult. Being with someone for 3 short years still has had a big impact on my life. As talking to someone everyday for this amount of time became the norm. When you suddenly stops it feels like a hole is in your heart, like there is a piece missing from you.

Within the time i had been with this person, i looked at other couples and laughed to myself thinking no one else had such a strong relationship with their partner as i did. I believed we would be the high school sweet hearts and grow old together and no one else would last, Although i soon realised we were just like these other couples.

Its strange what being in love can do to you. It can make you think your life is perfect and is planned out just as you would like. It makes you feel as if you don’t need anyone else except this one person, meaning pushing the ones who care about you most away. Since separating i have realised that friends and family are what matters. That they are the ones who will always be there for you.

I am so grateful i have family and friends that have supported me throughout all of this and have been by my side. Thankfully i have also realised my true friends. Those that couldn’t care less about what i am going through have been deleted from my life. I no longer want to spend my time and energy on those who couldn’t be bothered to spend any on me. I now have only 3 close friends. Those that have been there to listen to me and let me cry on their shoulder. I believe this has been one of the best outcomes of this whole situation.

I could write so much more, as i have been on such a journey these past few months and have come to so many more realisations.

I want to leave it here by saying, love can blind you in so many ways. It can blind you from seeing the true colours of people, it can blind you from seeing what really matters in life, and can blind you from who you true friends are. I appreciate and treasure the past 3 years. i do believe that whatever kills you makes you stronger. I have become closer with my best friends, i see them almost everyday, i go out more (not only clubbing but adventuring), i have lost weight and become so much more comfortable in my own skin, i have died my hair blonde and feel as if i am a new person already.

I don’t have anyone holding me back anymore and believe that when the time is right, someone will come along that will make me an even better person. But right now i am not looking for him.
It may be another month or another couple of years until i find someone else, who knows if he will be the one, but this has been such a learning curve for me.
There has been a lot of mistakes, but i still have no regrets. i am grateful for it all.