Dear squish,

The last time I spoke to you was one of the most hurrendous nights of my life. The words I spoke were nothing short of appalling. Nothing fills me with more regret than all the hurtful things I’ve said & done to you.

Obviously we were the furthest thing from perfect, there’a no doubt about that. I write this knowing you’ll never read it so it makes it a little easier to write. Although my heart is shattered, eyes full with tears, it makes it hard to see the screen.

Got a lil bit of Adele playing here to help the mood, just as you liked to play music while you write your “love essays” to me that I could wake up to to put a smile on my face. I miss you. Terribly. I hate your new girlfriend, she’s not the girl you belong with, she’s not going to better your life but maybe you fell into one another’s paths so that you could better hers. Like you bettered mine.

You were my best friend, and what I thought was my soul mate. Only I screwed up 1 too many times & let it all slip from my fingers. I know that. I knew that 10 months ago when I let you walk out by back door in tears.

You are a remarkable, irreplaceable human being, a sparkling eyed individual who I would give anything to see and speak to one more time.

I know you’ve blocked me out of your life in order to stop yourself from hurting, something I too would have tried but failed to do. I’m ashamed of the things I’ve done that hurt you so badly and in the end, hurt me more. I thought I broke your heart, well I butchered my own in the process. Hurting you, hurt me. At first I thought you’d never get over me, now look at you, home from a 3 month holiday to America to a new girlfriend..while I’m stil here, waiting for you to come home, unknown to what I was about to find out days later, a new girlfriend & applying to work in Dubai.. it felt like an earthquake hit my chest that day.

But, the day you graduated, the day you put in for your thesis, I had never been more proud of you. But full of overwhelming disappointment I wasn’t the one there sharing it with you. I had dreamt about being at your graduation, Laura’s wedding, Ellie’s 2nd birthday & some day her communion. Now it’s all gone, someone else will share those days with you now… I hate myself for letting that go, for letting you go, the biggest most important person in my life to date… the one person who cared about me the same as my own family… then again you were my family.

The truth is I took you for granted, I under estimated you. I was naive to believe you’d be there all the time, to have a love so unconditional you’d never move on completely..

I miss our conversations that lasted until all hours of the morning, falling asleep on my couch, sneaking you out the window when we had slept too late, dancing in the kitchen to no music, fighting with you when you were late for something… I wish I could have it all back. I’d trade anything to have it all back. “Gimme, gimme gimme” as I used to say to get a hug hahahha you used to love when I’d say that!

I hold all our memories that would take me too long to write, our tears that we shed, our hugs & kisses, so close to my heart that no one else will ever get to see.

You were always better at writing these thoughtful things than me, that’s why I always loved to see you sending me one. It’s so heartbreaking to think what we had is all over & never going to come back. But so heartwarming to know what it feels like to have someone love you as much as you loved me. I hope I find that kind of love and better some day again.

I will never ever ever ever be able to forget you. I hope some days there are times I still cross your mind too. You are in me now, you have got yourself a place in my heart forever.

But you’re right, staying as far away from eachother as possible is probably the best thing for us now. Too fall back in love with you would be the easiest thing I’ve ever done, because I never stopped, but I couldn’t do that to you again, breaking my heart is my own burden, but to carry the burden of breaking yours would crush me, way more than it already has now.

Although I won’t see you again, or speak to you again or ever have you in my life ever again after we promised each other forever & always, I wish you nothing but the best of everything, especially love after I took so much of it away from you. I hope you still believe in finding true love. But for now, here’s to you, here’s to us, here’s to our past & to our futures, apart.

I love you always & forever, never to forget the love you brought into my life.

Never to be yours again,
Your soulmate, your best friend, your “ex”-girlfriend. Rosemary. X