You weren’t even my boyfriend, but everyone sure as hell thought you were.

Between the hand holding, the countless “dates,” the sex, and even the endless nights spent falling asleep in your arms…know that I my heart still aches. You were my BEST friend. I shared more with you than I ever had with anyone. You were there for the highest of the highs, and when I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never crawl back out.

You said that we would be friends until the end, no mater what. I guess the end didn’t mean death. I guess it meant until SHE came along. You said you weren’t even ready for a relationship. You told me that you weren’t ready for that kind of commitment. After I poured my heart out to you in the park, that’s what you told me… What does SHE have that I don’t? I gave you everything! I convinced you to go to college. I helped you write your appeal letter when you didn’t get in the first time. I stayed up late helping you write your papers when I should have been focusing on my homework. I sacrificed so much, and this is how you chose to repay me.

I’m angry. I’m scared. and I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed for believing that you actually cared about me. I’m angry that I let you manipulate me, and I’m scared that I will never stop loving you. Why would you do this to me? I’ve held your hand every step of the way. When Alexis broke your heart. when you cried in my arms and admitted that you’ve never cried in front of anyone. Where were your so called best guy friends when your grandma died? The one person who meant everything and more to you? They weren’t there, were they? No. I was. I made sure that you were okay. I convinced you that life would go on, and that you would heal.

Perhaps I should take my own advice, huh? Convince myself that life will go on, and that my heart will heal. I really wish I could, but you’ve got this spell on me! You say you love HER, but why would you text me and admit that you miss me. Admit that you miss being with me, even making love to me. You say you’re not trying to hurt me when you say those things, but you are! YOU ARE! I hate you for teasing me like that. How can you really love HER if you keep coming back to me? You cheated on HER! You’re an asshole! And I’m just the bitch who let you do it.

It doesn’t only hurt because I miss you, It hurts because I know you miss me too. At least, I think you do. I’m so confused, and I don’t want to be. I don’t like hating you, and I don’t like hating myself, but it’s the reality of it all. I hate you for making me feel this way, but I hate me more for not stopping you.

I hope time will actually heal this wound, and I hope SHE continues to make you happy. I love you, Nick. I wish you still loved me too.