Dear Nicola,

I know this was meant to be kept in my drawer & never sent, please read it anyway…….
I walked out not because I didn’t love you, but because I couldn’t take the pressure of wanting to stray (the pressure increased over the years) & I took the ring back because not only did you fail to keep your promise to me, you didn’t even attempt to try and keep it. I couldn’t cheat on you as we have both been cheated on in the past and we know how much that hurts, besides I’m faithful to those I love. You knew that a sex life was important, to me sex wasn’t just sex, sex boosts self esteem & when you feel good about yourself motivation increases & when motivation increases, you then have a reason to do things (an example of a positive ripple effect which is something I’ve explained countless times over the last decade). Here’s a fact, men do shit to get laid because we want to continue our blood line, so the more we get laid, the more shit we do for our woman, but I wasn’t getting any so I gradually stopped putting the effort in because I felt like I was wasting my time (I actually thought you’d realise what you had been doing & you’d change, this too I also explained over the years). You also knew I didn’t want children after 35, but that was taken from me too without any explanation (the constant typical clichéd excuses to not be physical & nothing truly explaining your actions or in this case non-actions).

Whatever was done to you before we got together has obviously damaged you more than you realise (or maybe you did & you decided to torture me by withholding sex in order to punish the past possibly in some way to regain some sort of control), whatever the case it infected us like a virus & ultimately destroyed us, now I’m left believing that love isn’t worth the sacrifice & I’m heartbroken to a point where I do not want it fixed (aah yes the negative ripple effect in action here, ain’t it wonderful). You’re like fire, ice and rage, you’re like the night, a storm and the heart of the sun, you’re beautiful, brilliant and unwaivering. You once burned at the center of my universe & you were wonderful.
If you had actually loved me at all you would have held on & come clean about the real reason as to why we weren’t normal, but you let go & instead of being honest, you chose to hurt me to keep yourself safe. If that wasn’t bad enough, after I left you started telling lies, you spread rumours & aimed false accusations at me to make me look like the bad guy, then you’d look like a victim (not everyone buys your precious little princess act by the way). I’ve kept all of your secrets, even the ones you didn’t think I knew about (yes that’s right I do know & have done for a while), the sad thing is you have continued the same pattern that you always choose to do after a breakup (false accusations, getting police involved, issuing threats, making up lies & you did that with Damon, Ciaran and now me) & that’s a dangerous path because the next person you destroy emotionally might not end things by just walking away (I really think you need to get some help before you consider being with someone as they won’t deserve the fate you dish out to them like you did me). What’s really annoying me at the moment is that I hate you so much that I want to throw you off a cliff & yet I’m still in love with you enough to run down to the bottom just so I can catch you.

Two years have passed since I left, all of this was written 21 months ago on the 1st of January 2017 & that the plan I set in motion to change my life has indeed come to fruition. I’ve had to let go of having Stellar & Pumba in my life (despite they are just as much a part of me as Holly is), I’ve even had to let go of you (the past, present & as for the future, that’s unclear), right now you’re just a memory and my finger is hovering over the delete button……. I’m no longer in Invercargill, in fact I’m not even in NZ & Holly is with me as I couldn’t leave her behind, I have myself a great teaching career, I joined the gym & finally I’m me again.

Farewell & Namaste…….

From R.