Things to not text him

I miss you
I wish you were here in bed with me.
I definitely love you still
Why are you the way you are
My friends don’t like you.
One says you’re mean.
Another says our relationship was toxic.
She says you treat me the way Dane treated her.
I’m too old for that.
You’re too old for that.
God help me I will murder you if you come back around here talking about us again .
But you know I want to .
You know I think about it.
You know I wish it had worked.
You know I wanted to be a family.
I know you know.
I know you have regrets.
I know you’re sorry.
I know you want me to know.
I already know.
But you will not change.
For someone who preaches self-Introspection to a guy like BIZZLE, you don’t seem to change much. Your self introspection seems to be… I don’t even know
I’m happy our newfound texting relationship annoys me. I’m glad you’re being the same old annoying advice giving fixer person.
I never ask you for solutions or how to handle things. You just offer that solution anyway. Being annoyed with you makes me more able to resist you. Not today, Satan.
Friday is going to be tough.
Everyone will be there.
You will be there.
A.J. And juice will be there.
You will be there.
Two guys I’m sleeping with and my ex lover and dear friend. Sweet. And a whole bunch of alcohol.
One of you will end up in my bed.
I should just not go.
I’m totally going.
Oh yeah and Gus.
I hope I’m having more sex than you.
I don’t care that that’s petty and immature.
It’s not like it’s good sex anyways.
I miss you.
You are the best. I want to have Sex with you.
It’s totally not worth it.
I would have to sneak you out because Bridgette would freak out if she saw you in my bed.
She does not like you.
We would have to be quiet.
Unless we go to your house.
But then there would be the dog.
And the dog would cuddle with me in bed.
And I would be hungover at noon and we’d lay in bed and cry about how much we miss being a little family -right here in this bed!- and how much we cared about each other and what you could have done better and maybe it was my job or maybe the timing just wasn’t right and now that you’re finished with nursing school and my job is stable we could flirt with the idea of trying again with more awareness and love and understanding and respect for each other…..
I cannot allow that.
I cannot emotionally do this with you again.
I cannot put my friends through carrying me through this a third time.
Through you.
I hated when you would say, “there are things about me that bug you that I don’t think you can get over.” HATED IT. It left such a bad taste in my mouth. Who are you to tell me how I feel?
But really I was just terrified that you were right. I can’t remember if I had always felt that way, or if I sort of created that just because you said it so often I started to believe you.
Your roommates would know I was there…our friends. Then the rest of our friends would know.
Palma would ask me and Jamie would ask you. Everyone would be like, “again?”
But summer’s coming and you’re going to be around. All. The . Time. Lesson learned, don’t date within your friend group. I wish you would just go away. I’m sorry that that’s mean, but it would be easier on me.
And please don’t use the dog to try and get me back. That’s cruel. You know how much I love that dog. I heard you slip in that comment about, “Bullet likes you way more than he likes me,” at Bridgette’s birthday party. I chose to ignore you. And I hated that you said you want my nephew to come to kickball so you can see him again, that you miss him . I’m sorry that I don’t want to see that. I’m sorry that watching the man I wanted to have kids with interacting with the kid I love the most will break my heart all over again. The little kid that loved you to death and told you we will get married when he was 4-years-old. He still keeps a bone for Bullet at his house.
You’ll have to come and get your birthday present at some point. I will have to return your headphones that I borrowed to walk home from the party the other night when I didn’t want you to give me a ride home. It was true that I wanted to walk and listen to Drake’s new album, but I also did not want to find myself back in the front seat of your truck, familiar, listening to whatever podcast you are ears deep in.
The pub crawl. Kickball will start. Cabin trips. This talk is going to happen. I’m dreading it. I hope you will say something dumb and make it easy for me to be strong enough to turn you down or be strong and resist offering, even for just one night. Or cabin weekend. Because you know it’s never going to be just one night. Or cabin weekend. Fool me once…. fool me can’t get fooled again!