Before I say “I Do”…

Before I say “I Do”…

Before I say “I Do”…

LTME-postIt’s kind of crazy how things some times play out. I’ve wanted to write you for a while now, but for one reason or another always decided against it. When I decided to write you this time I had a plan, it was my intention to lay out all these emotional details and specifics spanning the last six years in which we’ve known each other. I planned to tell you “all the things I’ve never said” in hopes that I would finally get the closure I needed before making one of the biggest commitments of my life. In one way or another the universe eventually showed me how selfish that could be perceived. Thankfully, one thing that I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes being selfish is okay. In this instance, the need to be self-serving is necessary. Although I have no control over how you will feel after reading this, just know that this is my way of “letting go” of certain things. In my heart, I know my future wife deserves to have all of me and in order for that to happen I need to recover some of those pieces you still unknowingly possess:

Over the years you’ve become one of the most important people in my life. You’ve helped me to learn and to grow in ways that no one else has. I appreciate you for all that you’ve shared with me and I’m grateful for having the opportunity to know you. In case I’ve never mentioned it, I want you to know that I admire so much about you — your personality, your confidence, your realness, your humor, your talent, I could literally go on forever here but I’d hate to run the risk of running out of available characters. Nonetheless, I want you to know that the sheer gratefulness I possess for simply having had the pleasure of learning you is indescribable. You’re a beautiful person, both inside and out, so it should be no surprise that I have been completely smitten with you from the start. The amount of love of I have for you is immaculate and has often tested me in ways that I can honestly say I wasn’t ready for. As I type this my eyes are watering and I’m getting emotional because even after all this time it’s still there.. lawd.. (not joking)

Given our history and the imperfect manner in which our relationship was established, I know how much effort you’ve put into moving on. Despite the strength of your higher self I know that you’ve long since acknowledged it and that it still lingers and even provokes you to sometimes lash out (at me). At the same time I’m sure you’ve struggled with the idea of not knowing how much I cared about you because I’ve often struggled with expressing it– and for that I apologize. I also apologize for all the instances in which I’ve caused you to revert back to a time when things were different between us. I know that’s unfair to you. Although often unintentional, I don’t want my personal feelings of guilt and repression to continue to make you uncomfortable. That’s why in speaking my truth I need you to know that I’m sorry I let you down. I know you needed more from me and unfortunately I often found myself being incapable of stepping up. For every time that I’ve fallen short to communicate or elaborate on that, just know that my intention was never to hurt you.

Be it validation or confirmation, I have come to terms with the fact that I was not ready for you, for us, for the level of commitment that I know you wanted/deserved. Despite that, I hope you know that you were not in it alone. Everything that you felt, I felt twice. The chemistry, the emotions, the frustrations; I shared it. For every song, or movie that was ever used to express a feeling; it was mutual. Was it confusing, yes. Was it “that serious”; yes. Was it real; hell yes. Speaking only for myself, our connection at it’s simplest was always beyond me. As scary as it was for me to fully embrace then, I still needed for you to know it, even if it is all these years later. It’s almost crazy how I could never explain it or fully understand it and it wasn’t until recently that I stopped trying to. Over time I came to realize that there are indeed those instances that forever change you and the way that you see and experience certain things. As referenced in a screenshot you sent me a while back: [in retrospect, I now realize that you set my template.] I loved you then and I love you now and in many ways I will always have love for you. Although that love may have taken shape in a different, more platonic way, just know that it is still never ending.

In other news.. ‘I hope you’re aware I care, because the detail I just finished providing.. like listen..’ In all seriousness, I think we’ve come a long way. A large part of that is thanks to the distance that we’ve (mostly you’ve) managed to establish between us. As much as I often despised it, I know it was necessary. In the years that have passed since our decision to “move on” I have witnessed first hand your personal growth and it’s encouraging. Be it your relationship with God, your friends/family, or even me, you’ve often shown and advised me on what it looks like to value yourself and your well-being. (even when I was the one jeopardizing your well-being) Your discipline, your self-control, and even your ability to stay true to your word, (also applies to me) even when it comes to difficult situations (like me), are all things that I want to possess and illustrate to others. AlI in all, I simply want you to know I truly value you as both a person and as a friend and hope that the feeling is mutual. Someone once told me that it’s levels to establishing a genuine friendship and by writing this I hope we’ve gotten one step closer to that.

9 Comments

  1. Crusty 2 years ago

    I could write you everyday for a year and it still wouldn’t be enough to say all the things I want to tell you. Maybe that’s why I keep promising myself I’m going to write about us. Maybe in time, once I’m over you and can phathom the thought of sharing the idea of you with others. Until then, I miss you and I hope you’re well J.( aka Lil Hope)

  2. Lil Hope 8 months ago

    Still <3

  3. Lil Hope 3 months ago

    Almost exactly 2 years to the date since you wrote this letter…and shamefully…I’m back here. Missing you. As this post serves as a painful reminder of our lost (dare I say love) connection- it’s also therepeautic. Even if only in a few words you anonymously bared your heart to me-with much gratitude- I humbly accept.

  4. LL 3 months ago

    Does it ever get easier..? to watch them love someone else and know you’ll never get them back?

    • Lil Hope 2 months ago

      @LL that’s a good question. They say time heals all wounds so we shall see. I can say that even with the heartache of missing “Crusty” I’m grateful for the feeling because it lets me know that the love we shared-the kind of love you dream of and hope for- was/is real.

  5. L L 3 months ago

    Does it ever get easier? Or does the gaping hole they leave in your chest continue to ache for them..

  6. Crusty 2 months ago

    I used to visit this post way more often than I am willing to admit. Even after all this time this is where I return when thoughts of you are harder to shake than usual. Reading your words is the closest I’ve come to hearing from you in years and yet just like that— I am completely undone.

    I hope you’re well. I hope you’re happy. Still. Always. Forever.

  7. Lil Hope 2 months ago

    As you know, I’m always trying to keep it together but bruh……I just lost my cool…like all of it. OMGIMYSFMB. I’m so happy to hear from you after all this time. Thank you for your response. Thank you for your well wishes. I’m doing well. I also hope that you’re happy and well.

    So many things I wanna know, but I figured I’d keep it short:

    —I started that playlist.
    —It’s on Spotify.
    —I’m also hiring for a pen pal.

    Still. Always. Forever. “SAF(e)”

  8. Crusty 2 months ago

    As happy as I am to hear that you’re doing well I must be honest with you.. I do not want to fall back into old habits. I can’t. You know us. This is how it begins. Out of respect for my marriage, I must insist that we continue to respect the distance that we have been able to create between us. Please know that I wish you nothing but prosperity and continued happiness.

    *glad to see that your branding skills are still A1.. SAF(e)

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