I’m starting to forget your voice.
The voice that i’ve probably talked endless hours with and ultimately became my best friend over the time.
I didn’t want it to end this way. Besides I would have never thought it would go this far when i first saw you at alex’s house last summer. Would you ?
Actually i haven’t seen it coming at all. I remember still mourning over an ex when i first saw you, but then things changed.
We started getting along really well. You we’re funny and interesting and i liked you suprisingly much.
Sometimes i wish we just stayed under that bright star night in august.
You trying to explain me the star constellations as we had our first real conversation.
But life passes faster than you want it to.
I left a few days later.

We didn’t stop talking though.
It was nothing at first. Someone i met and liked in new york.
My cousins best friend who i happened to hook up with suddenly being more than the meaningless distraction i thought it would be.
It all went on from that. Over the course of time we started talking more and more.
First texts, then skype, finally discord.
We never had any trouble finding something to talk about.
I feel like we kinda shared a common ground. At second glance weh ade insanely a lot in common.
The calls got longer. Deeper. More intense. We talked about literally anything.
I opened up to you and you opened up to me.
We discussed a lot. We shared our past, our opinions, our values and perspectives on life. Nearly everything but reality.

I remember once we ( mostly I ( 6 hour time difference) ) stayed up the entire night to watch stranger things in one sitting.
We made it, About eight episodes, so eight hours of watching strangers things togehther and two hours of talking made our discord record of TEN hours.
And that wasn’t that rare, we always talked for hours.
We also watched more shows together.
Game of thrones, westworld.
We discussed a lot about sesame chicken and sushi.

“For what in your life are you most grateful for?” i asked once.
“…”
“umm..”
“this is gonna sound so cheesy… but honestly, i think for meeting you.”

It didn’t really occur to me until it was too late : i was veeery in love with you.
Shortly i would say i freaked out.
How could that happen ? You weren’t even here. You were an ocean away, in new york!
It hit me hard, i guess.

I went and visited again in december for christmas.
After talking so much online, we saw each other for the first time in real life again.
I was nervous. Was it going to be the same?
It wasn’t.
It was nice but it wasn’t.
After i went back we went back to talking online. Everything was back to normal.
Maybe i knew you better online, than in real life.

“Promise me we’re always going to be friends.”
“I have to promise that?”
“Just…promise me.”
“Okay, yes we’re always gonna be friends.”
I think I really believed that in that moment.

After going back to talking online, everything was so good at first.
But seeing each other in reality again it showed us how things could be.
Maybe should be.
You’re never going to be here.

At the same time our feelings for each other became more and more obvious.
We couldn’t tell ourselves we’re „just friends“ anymore
cause we weren’t acting like that anymore.

And also, talking to each other became an everyday challenge.
A daily task to keep communication up.
We wanted to to talk to each other that’s why we took a lot of effort to do so.
But one night i woke up and thought:
What if we’re sacrificing our real lives to keep up talking to each other ?
How many Saturday nights you’ve stayed at home talking to my laptop instead of being with the people around me ?
You even told your friends you can’t hang out because of me.
I didn’t ask you to, you just did.

When i asked you if you’ve ever been in love and you said no,
i felt like all of this wasn’t real.
Maybe i was right.
So i said what i thought before, pretty out of the blue.
I’m pretty sure i said that during the last episode of westworld.
So with the end of our last series , the end of whatever this was came.

You didn’t really want to talk as often anymore and i felt that something changed.
I guess you we’re avoiding me.
Next thing i know you “break up” with me.
You said you’ve met someone else and felt bad if you still talked to me while being with her.
“The distance. It’s just too hard.”
“I know I’m never there.”
“After i said that, something changed. Maybe you just realized….”
“I guess it hurt me more than i thought.”

After that we stopped talking for almost two months.
I don’t know why but i didn’t think that would last.
I thought we would sooner or later be friends again,
but we didn’t.
I thought you wouldn’t just leave.
But you did, Andrew.

So, why I’m writing this ?
You. Andrew. A bigger part of my life than i ever wanted to admit.
Losing you made me think about everything.
How could this get so far ?
Someone i almost never saw in real life having such an impact on me ?
I was really in love with you.

I understand.
We can’t be with each other in imagining to be together.
I really want want you to be happy in real life. You’re my best friend.

I just want to thank you for showing me that love still exists.
I know we could have had it.

I hope we will see each other again.