It’s when I’m walking around, and i smell something, and it smells like the aftershave he used to wear, or I see something, and i remember that we went there, or we planned to go there. It’s when I’m on my own, that my head is clouded with thoughts of him, when I cannot think of anything else but him. It’s when i start to feel like although it’s been months, I made a mistake. it’s when I think that I could’ve put up with the hurt, and the emotions and the way he sometimes mistreated me, but I didn’t, and if I knew I would be this hurt afterwards, then maybe I would have. It’s when my family asks about him two months after everything has happened, and it’s when I have to laugh and act like it doesn’t totally tear a hole inside my heart. It’s when I start to think that I’ll never love anyone like I loved him, and I’ll never have anyone love me like he did. And I’ll never want to. It’s when i look in my wardrobe and I still have his jumpers, and the hoodie he got. It’s when I look at my desk and there is an empty photo frame that he gave me that used to have a picture of us in it. It’s when i see him, and he sees me. And he looks directly at me, with a sense of familiarity that I cannot return as it burns my heart to do so. And that is when it hurts the most.
2 Comments
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then why do you torture yourself? why wont you tell him? is he gone, did you push him away, are you sure he isnt feeling the same?
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I’m not innocent. I had a hope of explanation and understanding on both sides. Comparing stories and logic when we crossed paths again. Your coldness hurts. I trusted you to be delicate with me if I was honest with you. Instead you rained fire on me. I can only hope that you got some sort of pleasure out of it. I was happy loving. And giving my love to whom I chose. I never said you had to love me back. I just said that I loved you still as in I enjoyed living you. It was easy, fun made me happy. It’s alright. I’ve not got much pride but what I do have after you, I will chose to walk away should I get the option. You never had to even like me. I question you. I feel foolish in my regards towards you.. and look forward to getting on with me without you. Feeling whole again. I have no clue if I will ever find a match, someone of my own to have as a partner but even so getting out of the minds creation of something that never was will be a blessing I think. Idk. Whatev. So over this. So over the us that never was. I survived off of you, our memories, very little. But powerful I’m grateful. You were wonderful. And they were that good to me. Despite whatever they actually were. To me they were what I had.
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