Rachel. I am writing this letter to try to come to terms with the immense changes that have happened to me since I first came to Ireland in October last. If this letter reads like I am only writing about my own feelings and not considering yours let me be the first to convey my apologies.
I came to Ireland in October because I asked for a job and it was accepted. We were there in August I got talking to an old friend and told her how depressed I was in France. I told her it was very difficult for me to live there. I told her you had tried to leave me the previous summer and that since then we have been trying to carry on. It was her who suggested I should find work in Ireland. If I did not have that conversation with her I would not be in Ireland but languishing in France.
You and I had previously discussed what projects I was doing and what moves I was making to find work. The schools were returning. You had enough of me not working. Not having any direction. I had not worked for eight years. The money situation between us was so difficult. I felt helpless to contribute. It was an opportunity for me to start earning money again. The price of earning money and becoming independent again was to leave my family. I am fully aware of how difficult things were between us whilst I was incapable of making a professional life for me in Boulogne. The decision to leave you was a very hard one. But I did it. I felt the risks and still, I did it. I left. I missed you and I missed the kids.
When I went to Dublin I went out, saw gigs, met people I had not seen for years. I began to get a sense of myself again. All the time I was away I missed you and the kids. My return visits to France were too infrequent. When you came over to Ireland with the children in October, finding accomodation for you proved very problematic where my family were concerned they were less than helpful. (That no doubt helped cement your idea to consider ending your relationship with me.) In November I came home for Oisin and Audren’s birthdays. My stay was brief. You were working at meeting your deadlines at school. You were so busy and still are. I never got to spend time with you. The last night before heading back to Dublin, I remember we had an attempt at making love. It was satisfying for me, less so it seems for you. You did not want to make love at first. I should have been less selfish and waited for you to make the moves. Had I known it was so difficult for you to make love to me would I have continued? Like a typical man I ignored the signs, the signs that I can now clearly see in reflection were a precursor to our end.
I wanted you so much. I wanted us to be together so much. I did not want to go back to Ireland but I had to. There was money to be made. I sent you home all that I could. It was very difficult to leave France but I kept in my heart hope that we would be reunited again. Whenever I called you this time you became more distant. Our conversations were less intimate, you were holding back. Still we kept up the pretence of being together. Emails for the children were exchanged and every word you sent to me I was searching to find if there was an expression of love. I loved looking at you when I skyped you. I imagined what it would be like to make love to you again. (All the time you felt the pain and were preparing to separate from me.) I refused to see it.
When I went back to France at Christmas you were distant. When we went to Paris for our planned weekend, you wanted to finish with me. That was a painful trip. I was expressing my love to you and in your heart you wanted to leave me. I tried so hard to charm you. I enjoyed so much being with you, talking to you. That final night in that Paris appt was a difficult one. Still, you eventually changed your mind. We went back to Boulogne. Carried on being together as a family. Carried on the pretence at being together as a couple.
When I went back to Ireland again, I was hoping we would be together and was looking forward to the possibility of us all moving together to another part of France. You meanwhile were angry with me for all those failed years when I did not mix with people did not open up to the people around me. You were angry with me because I made no friends. The only friends were yours. I can see with some clarity now the impossible situation you were in.
Whilst in Ireland, it was very difficult for me to be away from you. I so missed you. I cried at times in anguish of losing you. Walked along streets went into churches prayed for us to be together again. I pleaded for your love. Still you could give me no certainty that we would remain together. I lived from moment to moment with you. My desire for you was always there. I tormented my self thinking you were planning to leave me. That you were attracted to someone else. I thought you had a confident, a male one, (I was wrong she was female.) You said you didn’t have another lover you just simply fell out of love with me. I was too proud to see it. You were finding it difficult to be definitive with me. I was writing furiously trying to analyse you. Watching your every word sent on emails and texts they mostly hurt me with your cold distances. Seeing the expression on your face everytime I I skyped you, I knew we were finished, I was afraid to see it. I was concentrating on getting you to fall in love with me. I was wondering how would I win you back again. In the meantime I was trying to deal with the separation from you and the kids. It got to hurt me so much being away from you. I cried tears of anguish at the possibility of losing you. I prayed so hard that we would be together again.
When your move was accepted for another school. You made your mind to go to the Drome. You skyped me to say that we would all be going together. When I recieved that memorable skype I was a very happy man. I booked a flight to come back to what I thought was a home. It proved to be otherwise. Five weeks after being in Boulogne you made the definitive move to end our relationship.
Are you happy now Rachel? Are you happy the children will be growing up without daddy at home? The kids must be so confused now. How can they understand the complexities of an adult’s mind. All they know is honesty. All they should know is unconditional love. I miss the kids. I spent all my time raising them as a house husband and now it has all gone. I grieve for our lost relationship. I have let you go. I will not let go of the children, our children.
I have lonely days here in Ireland. They cannot be filled now with the hope of us all being together again. They can only be patched up with the thoughts of me making visits to remind the children that they have a father. I miss seeing them everyday. I miss seeing them grow up. You are spared that loss. And rightly so. I would not wish this separation and pain on you. I admit I did not fall in love you when I first met you. When you sat next to me on that bus you were not the woman I thought I would fall in love with. I did not fancy you at alI. I grew to love you.
This is not a letter thanking you for the amazing experience of what it was to be a father. This is a letter to make you, help you understand once and for all I have let you go. It feels like I am writing to a stone. I keep my desire for you to myself. I cry for the loss of not seeing my children grow up. The life you are having now with the children will be scattered with visits from me. Unfortunately we have to have some kind of communication for the kids sake. I have to let you know in advance when I am coming. I cannot just turn up. Give the children a surprise. Things have dramatically changed now.
When I think of you I do not imagine my ex lover but the mother of our children. It is for that reason that I try to keep the anger at bay.
Being dumped by the woman I had a ten year relationship and three children with has proved to be the most painful separation I have ever experienced.
If you detect anger in this letter I have tried to replace it with empathy. I do not hate you. I will get over you. I will get strong again. I will not be a stranger to my children.
Until the next time.
J