Healer and breaker

Healer and breaker

Healer and breaker

LTME-postDear ex..
Hey, It’s me…. Ou I guess as you used to call me.. Here.. The girl that you broke, I didn’t really know what to write when I first set out to talk to you but you might think I’m mad or angry or something I guess, but I’m not. Truly, I’m just sad and feeling empty and nothing could really fill that horrible hole in my heart.. You totally shattered my heart into pieces, I thought my heart was safe with you but I was completely wrong about that, and I think It’s funny because I thought you were perfect. I ignored that you didn’t give me the love or attention I deserved because I loved you. Even though I wasn’t really that enough for you but everything I did was just to make you happy and never ever meant to insult you or neglect you any shit of that, I completely did everything to make you happy but that wasn’t enough though. Furthermore, I want you to know that I don’t hate you.. Not even close.. Not even a little bit .. Not even at all.. I loved you and I hated the person you were with me.. But I also hated the person I was with you, and you made it seem like it was all my fault you kept acting like you were innocent and faultless and made it seem like I was the only guilty one, you were being such a coward refusing and avoiding admitting your mistakes, and we both know that we both made a lot of mistakes that led us to that, and we can’t deny that or ignore your mistakes as well, and I’ve finally realized that we were simply not right for each other..cause it was just a quixotic idea.. But I loved it ..i knew it wasn’t going to be real but I always loved it when I thought about it, but when it’s right, it’s right, and after spending so long trying to fit a jagged piece into the puzzle with me, you should be able to just feel the ease of a good match. We were from different countries with different religions and cultures even the situation we live in and a lot of things that made everything be difficult for us.
I actually do think about you sometimes, though. I think about what you’re doing, who you’ve become without me, what parts of your personality have risen to the top or almost faded away now that I’m no longer a daily influence on your life.
I just want to say I’m sorry but I want to thank you at the same time.. Its funny huh.. I know.. You might think or walking around I guess and thinking you broke up with a crazy person, lol.. someone unable to put an effort for the other.. But I did everything I could..and I couldn’t do more.. I want to say I’m sorry..yeah..
I am sorry for everything that I’ve done, but thank you for everything that you’ve done .. But acually “Sorry” is a hard word to say, though, and not really because you didn’t want to admit you were wrong. It just often feels… insufficient. It feels like I’m trying to make excuses for something.. And words I didn’t say, ways in which I hurt you, things that I’ve changed that I wish you could see.. I wish you could see me now. I know it sounds silly, but I wish you could look at the progress I’ve made in my life and the adult that I’m becoming. I feel like I was so much younger when we broke up, even though it wasn’t that long ago. But when I look back at the words I allowed myself to say to you, and the mistakes that I thought were more than okay to be making, I do feel
overwhelmed with embarrassment and regret.. And I still hate that feeling I have ,but after all that Im still thankful cause you have helped me a lot, you opened my eyes to the world in a way no one could.. You improved my English.. You could heal my heart when it was broken but you broke it as well but no one could really heal it again.. And you changed my thoughts to the positive, you made me stronger than I was, and made me feel special and I appreciate all of that.. It meant a lot to me, but I can’t forget what you have done as well.. I can’t forget how you kept insulting me all the time..I can’t forget the way you were lying to me, and I’m not here to blame you by the way, and honestly I knew from deep of my heart that you were with another person when you always disappeared for hours and days ..I knew it.. But I refused to believe it.. I was trying so hard to make excuses of your disappearing and your neglecting until I had enough.. And I couldn’t take more and I decided to open my eyes and see that tough truth that you weren’t mine anymore…
I’m sorry if that was a too long paragraph.. But it’s all things that I’ve been holding inside of me.. I didn’t share ..I didn’t cry ..i didn’t show my weakness ..or my tears to anyone.., I was just dying inside more and more every second of evey single day.. I got tired of faking smiles and forcing myself to laugh, I got tired of pretending that Im strong in front of people.., I was trying so hard to never ever show my pain to anyone or even cry in front of someone, and that’s why it took me so long to get over it..

*sighs deeply*.. I don’t know.. I just.. I wish I can find a way to rid all of that thoughts and memories and that pain inside of me.. I do want to get them out of my head and life, it’s just like.. a quiet sadness about the love that has disappeared from my life. And we knew each other so well, and meant so much to each other, and now we don’t speak at all ..and there were still good things to take out of our love, so much that I learned. And I really do hope you learned, too. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile, It’s as though all of those moments we lived together that have just evaporated behind us..
I just want you to know that I didn’t say all of that because I want you to back.. I don’t want that at all.. But I kinda want to be able to talk to you.. does that make me weird..? I don’t know but maybe yeah..
Also, when I said that I want you to be happy, I meant it with all my heart and I really do wish you could find the happiness and the love you deserve.

The girl that you broke..

1 Comment

  1. Pancit 3 years ago


Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.