Dear Tarzan:
It has been 3 years and 3 months since the day you absolutely destroyed my life. I never thought you could ever have an affair on me. From the first day I met you in that gymnasium I was in love with you. You were so perfect looking. Clean cut, tall, super shy and you had a smile that made me weak in the knees. I knew I was way out of my league. We started talking and I knew that we were meant to be together. We were married 1 year exactly to the day. We started our perfect little family, moved around the state, you went to school and joined the Navy while I stayed home and was the ultimate supportive wife. Unfortunately that ugly addiction you had just kept showing up all the time. From the very start your addiction was the 3rd wheel in our marriage. Yes, I knew about it because we were open and honest from the beginning. No one could have ever prepared me for what your addiction would evolve into. It didn’t matter what I said, how many therapist appointments I went to with you or that I willing went to the addiction recovery classes with you to show you how much I wanted and was willing to support your recovery. You still saw me as the person you had to lie to and hide from.
It took till we were actually separated that I realized the hell you put me through. I could always justify and rationalize why your did what you did. It was me, it was the stress of having a family to take care or the stress of school or the Navy. I ignored the signs when I saw them and pretended that we had a great temple marriage. We became so good at facing our happiness in front of people that everyone was shocked when we separated. No one had a clue to what was going on in our home when the doors were closed. My daily life become making sure that when you were in the binging phase of your addiction that I was able to keep everything normal and happy for the kids. I did everything to hide your addiction. I didn’t know at the time that I was completely enabling you to have your addiction and never once be held accountable for it or the consequences of your actions. I fixed everything for you. Year after year of you being sober and then relapsing and than being sober and than relapsing again took their toll on me emotionally. I would cry nightly and wonder why God would make me go through all of this? What had I done to deserve this? I was a worthy temple recommend holder, I paid my tithing faithfully, I was the good, stay at home mom and wife who homeschooled our children. Why can’t my husband get a grip on his addiction. You weren’t even trying to control it.
I should have left when I found out about the first women you tried to sleep with, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel ready to leave. I didn’t feel like I had done all I could to help you. You said it would never happen again. You said you would do anything to keep your family and your marriage. I believed you. I foolishly believed you and stayed for another 8 years.
It was March 2nd, 2014 when you told me that you had been excommunicated from our church because you had been having an affair with a women you meet on line and picked up at a parking lot for 4 years. You brought her to our home and had sex with her when the kids and I were on vacation. The same vacation you were supposed to be on with us, but you managed to plan things just right so that you could use the Navy as your excuse to why you couldn’t come with us. I can never show you or make you feel the way I felt that day. There aren’t words to describe the feeling of utter betrayal from the one person who you lived and breathed for. You were my heart and soul. I have never wanted anyone else but you. Even today I still believe that we are meant to be together for all eternity, but I decided that day that I had had enough of you and your addiction. I would never ever trust or believe you again.
You will never read this letter, but you can’t even imagine the damage that you have done to my sole. I don’t trust anyone. I feel so hallow inside. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I struggle to just keep a smile on my face. You literally have sucked my soul out of me. I am just a physical body who feels so absolutely lost. It is going to take me years of help to try to find myself again. All I want is to never have to see you, hear from you or hear your name again, but we have 5 children together. That will never happen. I am so glad that there is 1300 miles between us now. It’s what saves me every day.
P.S:
I just want you to know that your are missing out on all the great things that these kids do. Taking them swimming, first day of school for the youngest, scout camping trips with your son’s and watching our girls learn to drive. All these life events will never happen again and your missing them because the only person you care about is yourself and finding the next new person or couple to have sex with.
It’s sad actually, but the choice is your, not mine.
Sincerely the best damn women you ever had! You will never find another women who was so devoted and loyal again.
Jane