Our last words to each other weren’t exactly friendly and definitely not filled with any substance to allow closure. So this is what should’ve been said on my part instead.
First of all, I regret telling you that I hope you do overdose. I don’t wish death upon anyone and hate that I uttered that in the heat of the moment. Now on to my thoughts about us and how things transpired.
Almost three years of being a couple flew by so fast and now it’s over. You are with someone else who has replaced me more quickly than I could’ve ever imagined. But I guess you had a little bit of a head start on me with that didn’t you? Looking back on it all, I imagine you started becoming emotionally unattached about a year and a half ago. You gave me lines about not wanting to go through life without me but still felt you needed to do things alone. I thought you were just in a rut and blowing things out of proportion. I thought I could help, silly me. But why did you continue to put on your facade and just feed me what I wanted to hear? Why didn’t you just end it then? Did you still have hope that we could be salvaged or did you just take your usual unconfrontational approach and figure I would eventually just fall to the wayside? I guess I’ll never know.
At first I was in shock. Not that you had secretly moved on and just neglected to inform me, or even that you continued your narrative of me being your one while still accepting my financial help. The thing that ejected me off of this planet was the fact that you had started using heroin while completely hiding it from me and lying to my face. Why did you even mention that to me? I was content with letting you go after finding out about him. Maybe that was your last cry for help or just another ploy to keep me hanging around in an eternal purgatory.
All my time and effort wasn’t a total loss though like I originally thought. I finally embraced all of the thoughts and memories that were bombarding my mind determined to drive me mad. I tamed them by devoting over sixteen straight hours of organized reflection over our relationship chronologically from start to finish. EVERYTHING. What I discovered after all of this was one of the most enlightening moments of my entire life.
I realized that I never truly loved you. I don’t say this to be hurtful because we are finished. No, this is the honest truth. I had and still have very serious flaws with who I am. I attempted to fill these voids with our relationship. I used us as a security blanket and you know what? It worked. It got me through many tough times and made me feel whole as if I had nothing to correct with myself. That is until we were over with. Then I found myself reaching for my security blanket mentally. It wasn’t there and I realized what I had created. Just as you don’t deserve all of the credit for the bad times, you also don’t get all of the credit for the good. It wasn’t you who I clung to, it was our relationship. My security blanket.
I also realized and accepted fully that I had a terrible drinking problem. Alcohol was responsible for ninety percent of my problems and I just laughed it off, dismissed it, and drank more. This was absolutely a factor in the demise of our relationship but you played your part as well. I may have kicked our relationship to the edge of a cliff but you pried it’s fingers off and watched it fall as I turned away.
All in all, I don’t blame you. I don’t hate you. I don’t love you. I don’t wish you harm or well. I am simply neutral. It still hurts from time to time and I feel like I am a lunatic but learning so much about myself keeps me focused and motivated to get better.
I appreciate our relationship for what it was and the purpose it served. Maybe in some way you benefited as well. I’ll let you float away now. Our paths crossed for a brief moment, creating sparks that lit a fire now extinguished but never forgotten. It was a hell of a show though right love?