THE FIRST DREAM :
Last night I dreamt that I was standing a few meters across from you thinking about our history and I was stunned to see that it didn’t hurt , wait I didn’t even tear up this time . Is this a sign ? Am I ready to face the world ? Am I whole again … wait you noticed me did I catch your attention? Am I prettier than before ? Did he notice my hair ?
Or is it the red dress I am wearing in this black and white dream ?
You dropped some tools you were holding and took a dirty old ragg out of your pocket and wiped the oil stains from your hands … you looked up again and I could swear I could see your green eyes cutting through my soul yet again …
Don’t you dare come closer … You took a few steps forward while you were gently dragging your hand through your blond hair even tho it always seems to be perfect…
Don’t you dare … I said again a little louder and I could almost see the words floating out of my mouth that I just wanted to pop back into mine because I wanted you to come closer . I’ve always wanted you closer . I wanted you to be the one who took my hearts matters into their own hand but I was just dreaming back then .
Why are you still walking towards me ? Or is it someone behind me ? I leaned back and saw that there was no one there accept a gigantic wall that never ends . What is going on ? Why are you still smiling? Haven’t I broke your heart enough so that you can leave me alone . Or did I want you to leave me alone ?
You’re not real . This is not real .
As I reached out to you with my eyes shut , you took my hand and I could feel your warmth touching my skin and the heart beat that came with it .
I slowly opened my eyes and there you were …
Your dimples ever so deep , that white perfect smile looking down on me .
How could I have ever .. shaking my head slowly looking down his hands slowly lifted my chin up and he said “maybe we can still make this work ” . As I look into his eyes with heavy confusion it suddenly dawned on me all thing you have done to me , said to me , lied to me , who you kissed and who you … Does this even matter …
Three words fell out off my mouth that I didn’t mean or that I didn’t even think … I LOVE YOU … Trying to catch the letters floating above my head it was to late you already read them … You said “11:11” and my heart started to melt … literally (fucking dumb dream ) he tried to stop it from melting but it’s just one of those days that you can’t save the ice cream from falling drop for drop on the ground . There is no way to save an ice cream that is completely melted on the ground …. Just like he will never save me …
Just when I thought that I was done weeping over something that would’ve never been the tears started rolling down my cheeks . Who am I supposed to be ? Why am I still chasing? Why are you still here in my dreams destroying my happiness or still trying to give me happiness ?

Please leave
Sincerely the girl that is tired getting fucked over

THE SECOND DREAM :
I will never understand why this keeps happening, why I keep dreaming and why I keep hurting…
Maybe this is a reason why I keep thinking about you & why I want to keep coming back .
But still yet again in reality just as in my dreams you want nothing to do with me .
It doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain to you how I feel , how desperately I need your forgiveness to move foward and how my heart aches every time that you tell me you don’t believe a word I say when I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth .
All I want to do is to live out this dream I have been having about – us – (“us” the word we could be or live up to ) where we talk and actually can agree upon some stuff .. but you never agree to meet me …
-A.R.