I finally realized why you had no close friends

I finally realized why you had no close friends

I finally realized why you had no close friends


I’m so excited for 2022. After many horrendous years, it will have been the first year untainted by your venomous, vampiric presence in my life. And since 2021 is almost over when I’m writing this (December 12th, to be exact, an aesthetically pleasing day for a year filled with 1s and 2s), this is going to be the last letter your self-absorbed ass gets. 

I know it’s hard for your enormous ego to take the fact that you won’t be getting one-sided attention anymore, but I’m sure you’ll soon find the next foolish victim to do this. 

Actually, judging from the unfaithful way you behaved when we were in relationship, I suspect you’ve already dragged the next poor person into your spiderweb. Yes, spiderweb. Because you’re a black widow, not a white lamb. How else would you explain the fact that every single person you drag into dating yourself ends up either committing suicide or attempting it? You drain all of their life for your own enjoyment, then get rid of the empty shell that’s left. Because an empty shell is boring. So what if it’s only empty because of what you did?  

I bet you are familiar with the image of a wolf who disguised himself under the skin of a sheep. A white lamb, if you will. He did it with the goal of convincing the other sheep he was a white lamb and then slaughtered them. Out of all the literary analogies available, I believe this one describes you the most accurately. 

Looking back, you were only able to get me because you disguised yourself as someone you weren’t. Once we were in a relationship, you did a complete 180 and I suddenly was dating a complete opposite of the person I had fallen for. But since I had fallen too deep, I couldn’t leave. 

If you had been your true self since the beginning, there is no way I would have fallen for you. And this brings me delight, because I know: your dating prospects are fucked. Either you will keep hiding your true personality and people will fall for your mask, or you will show your true personality from the beginning and then nobody will be interested in you in the first place. But  nobody will ever fall for the true you because the true you is the most revolting person I have ever met. Objectively speaking. 

On top of that, you’re older now. People in their early 20s tend to tolerate shit that older people would never accept. Your only future victims – the only people who will tolerate your abhorrent attitude –  will probably be people uncannily younger than you. (Taking after your father, I see?) If I had been five years older when we first met, you would have never scored me. Even with your mask on. And I take delight in that. 

Thinking of this, I realized why you never had close friends. Yes, you didn’t. I remember how weirded out you seemed when my friends and I would discuss lingerie or mention that we were having constipation problems. Well, that’s normal among close friends. And your reaction proved: you have a lot of friends, but you don’t have them close. You have no idea what close friendships are actually like. Your mask keeps them away. You can never discuss the truly important matters with them because they don’t know you. You may have a higher quantity of friends, but I have quality ones. 

You would complain that people don’t want to be friends with you and want romance instead. You said you had no idea why. Well, I’ve finally figured out why. 

Once again, it’s that damn mask of yours. You project a completely different person from what you really are, and that mask is just so unrealistically – “unrealistically” being the key word – appealing, so attractive, so romantic, that it immediately kicks romance into everyone’s brain. Your mask is no friend material. It’s lover material. As long as you keep that mask of yours on, you will keep getting romantically interested people instead of potential friends. But if you get rid of that mask, you will get neither. Because that’s just how ugly inside you are. 

Some life advice for you: if you want friends, you must find a new mask. But they won’t be close friends because it’s impossible to be close friends with anyone whose mask is so thick. Any thinner would make nobody want to be friends with you, though. 

You have no prospects of real romance or close friendship. Only prospects of finding new abuse victims and superficial friendships. And you deserve it. Sleep in the bed you made. 

As for myself? This year has been a breakthrough to me financially, thanks for asking. Each month, I earn 10-15 times my rent. My income is only set to increase. What a relief after spending my whole life in poverty. My favorite part is that I only have to work 5 hours a month. But I “work” full-time hours, using the remaining hours to improve my expertise in my work area. 

If you’ve been stalking me – which, I’m sure, you’ve done – you must be aware of my recent circumstances. And I will only keep going up. You won’t be able to escape my presence in media. That I can promise. And unlike you, I actually keep my promises. 

Suck it up, bitch. You will never be more successful than me. Considering how you love to literally flip tables every time you lose a board game… are you mad yet? So competitive. You want to always be in the first place. I hope you actually got that fast food job you were dreading. Maybe it will teach you not to yell at customer service workers for making an honest mistake. 

Bad-bye, Achille. This is the last piece of attention you’re getting from me. I hope all your worst fears come true. And by saying that, I don’t mean the abstract saying “Your worst fears.” No. We have discussed your worst fears in full length. I know what exactly those fears are, all the tiniest details included. And I still wish that on you. And I will never forgive you. Live with the awareness of this. You deserve it. 

If it’s you who is reading this, you already know who I am. The rest of the readers need not know my name. 

I wish you a short and misery-filled life. 



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