just want you to know that I actually did believe you were the love of my life.
Up until the weekend when everything went up in flames, when you told me not to come, I actually believed that we were gona be ok, that you were taking steps to relate better, I was about to move back home to support you and I actually believed we were gona be ok. And that’s all I wanted with all of my heart. You and me against the world.
So tell yourself what you like, but I have told you the truth. I would’ve walked through hell with you.
You blame me for what triggers you, but it’s intimacy and trust in another that triggers you. You just can’t look at yourself so you blame the other. Unfortunately that other is me but it could’ve just as easily been any body else.
Like I said before, the only way to climb a ladder is to climb a ladder. I’m very sad that I don’t get to climb that ladder with you.
I feel feelings just like you Kate, intense, consuming, sometimes confusing. But the therapy I did taught me to feel those feelings without always acting on them, it taught me to use logic to analyse my emotions and to not trust them completely. This is what I tried to teach you, so we had a chance, but you hated me for it.
So when I say I’m sad and I’m hurt, it’s the same as when you’re sad and hurt.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m also sorry that often you hurt yourself with your thoughts and I get the blame.
Just like how you blame ME for using your mum, but it was YOU who said screw you I’ll pay her back myself. I had nothing to do with that, i had nothing to do with you accidentally saving her credit card to my amazon account. I did not know that. I agreed to pay, of course I would, but it was you who decided that you would pay her back, seemingly just so you can say that I used you. Can you see that? You gave it the meaning you wanted to give it.
Just like I never abandoned you or abused you, all I did was call the destructive things you were doing because they were counter productive to what I was trying my damned hardest to build with you.
If you were trying to build a sand castle with me but every five minutes I kicked it and blamed you, would you not say “Daniel you just kicked it, I saw you kick it, I had nothing to do with you kicking it, you need to accept responsibility “. Of course you would.
If you agreed with me just to keep the peace, so that I didn’t feel bad for my behaviour, you would be enabling my behaviour. I’m sorry but I will not enable behaviour that is destructive to our relationship just so that you don’t have to be responsible for you.
If you were just to say I’m sorry I over reacted and told you not to come home, or even just realise that I did not come home BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME NOT TO COME HOME, if you could just accept partial responsibility I’d take you back and try again with you at the drop of a hat. Of course there would need to be changes in the way we relate and problem solve. Could you imagine me breaking up with you and telling you I don’t care if you sleep with someone – and then I hate you because you sleep with someone? I would have to take responsibility for my words that lead to that situation. Can you not accept that you told me not to come home, so I didn’t come home?
I did that because I was reading a book about stopping being a slave to borderline outbursts and holding your partner responsible for their words and actions. I believed it was the best thing to do for US. I always tried to do what was good for us because I saw my future with you.
I was so looking forward to moving to California with you & seeing your homeland.
I was deeply invested in you.
I don’t expect you to believe me, what goes on in your mind is beyond my control.
I can’t do dysfunctional relationships anymore. Functional relationships can be learnt and I would come to every class with you and hold your hand if need be. I would never give up on you and I would always be ready to forgive when you return to yourself and apologise.
I never gave up on you and even if you push me away I will never hate you.
I know that you’re a good person underneath all your fears & the protective behaviours that come with those fears.
I was never a threat to you and my intentions were always for the best.
I tried to do what I thought was right and I know very well that I am not perfect but I do know a thing or two about having healthy and functional relationships with people.
You might choose to blame me but the only relationship I have had trouble with the last 2 years is my relationship with you. I have many other relationships and they are not riddled with angry words, push & pull behaviour, blame and nastiness.
If it was me, don’t you think it’d show up in other relationships?
I am responsible because I tried to love you, there were things making it challenging that I tried to talk to you about & clearly it made things worse. It made you think that I don’t love you. But I spoke to you about them because I DO LOVE YOU. Much in the same way that I walk talk to a child I loved about playing on a busy street. Clearly love and intimacy triggers you in a big way.
But the best way to climb a ladder is to climb a ladder.
Im sorry that you weren’t ready for a loving relationship based on trust and respect.
We could have been so much more.
I love you always.
I am letting you go, not because I want to, but because you want me to and I love you.
Being with me has become painful for you. But we both know that the pain was there before I showed up and it will resurface in future.
I hope that with the next guy you might be ready to face that pain and not blame him.
I hope that you do manage to break the cycle and that you guide your sister to do the same. She got off lighter than you because you shielded her from your mother. That was a very good and loving thing for you to do.
You deserve a happy life with healthy relationships and I wish you the best with all of my being.
You are a good person and I love you.