This Is My Story

“You were an enlisted Marine, 19 years old you were unlike myself who had been 17 at the time.”

When it Began
It all began the year of December 2015 when I had found interest in you based off my stepmother’s idea of who she thought you were. Chris (my brother) was on leave at the time when we had scrolled through images finding one that’ll never forget. The Marine Ball, so it began December 25th you contacted me, in regards to my brother making it safely from Japan and if I was his sister. Weeks later, we sparked a long term relationship due to you confessing you wanted a relationship with me. Leading me to believe, that you wanted something real. We talked, every day of every night 7 days out of the week 24 hours a day for 8 months straight. We face timed, called, texted and recorded everything we did. I even sent you packages since you were going out on deployment. I even remembered Japan’s time zone just so I knew when to contact you and when not to. When chow was, and what these acronyms stood for. But most importantly, I trained myself so extensively in which I became a version of YOU. You gymmed so, I gymmed regardless of whether or not I wanted too. I trained myself to be JUST like you, regardless of you NOT being here. I’ll never forget you had once told me, I was not as thick as you’d liked, so I had to “adjust” to that. Little did you know I was perfectly fine. February 12th, you had sent me a promise ring in response to you going out on deployment. This was symbolic for your “commitment to me” yet I had slowly realized, there was none. Following this, we had scheduled to finally meet July 2nd in which I left my home town to North Carolina. Little did I know, this would be the very end of not only being a virgin but loosing my family because of it. So we met, you pick me up I met your family we talked and spent endless time together. Yet this time, I officially became aware that you weren’t what I had bargained for. You had a fucked up childhood, didn’t appreciate your parents and grew up having a mother who would fend for you. You pressured me into having sex the third night I spent with you, had made me a sex slave and forgot to introduce me to everyone we encountered. I in response to this continued reinforcing why you were behaving this way. I had tried talking to you asking for answers but you had lacked each time in providing a reasonable response as for why you’d do the things you’d do. So we’d fight, you’d get so aggressive that sometimes I’d feel as if you wouldn’t have a problem placing your hands on me. Until one day, I got so fed up I began packing my things informing my parents as for what had been going on until my mother had said “You’re overreacting”. Appreciate him while you can, I had four days left so I figured why not keep it pushing. I wanted to fix things, so one day as we were fighting I fell to my knees hysterically crying saying “what have I done”. I had just given up my virginity, flown 2,849 miles to be purely neglected. So you did what you do best, manipulate the situation. You hugged me gave me comfort and said “I love you”. Day’s later we tried again but this time I attempted to believe you.

The night I was Raped
You called it making love, but it was rape and some are even afraid to consider what rape really is. But this. Was it. You shoved it in my ass, so rapidly and swift that I screamed so loudly I could feel my hairs jolt from my skin. This, was the position I was going to forever remember you by. As I turned so emotionally drained and distraught you attempted to kiss me but I officially began to cry. You tried to make it seem as if it were “Okay” but in all honesty it wasn’t. I felt violated, mistreated and officially alone. It was the beginning of the end.

The Aftermath
Following this night, I was officially pissed I’d fight with you everyday and cry alone every night. You didn’t understand the amount of confusion, fear and loneliness I felt. But I did, and didn’t need anyone to validate it. You pressured me into having sex everyday, when I’d deny it. You got upset with me when I stood up for myself informing you that I was hurting and wouldn’t be willing to have sex the following days. When we’d “make love” you’d hurt me so bad thrusting yourself up my vagina that while you “thought” I was moaning I was actually crying. You’d request sex so often to the point where I’d let you strip me even though I didn’t wanted to. Pushing yourself up on me later hearing me say “are you done” because in all honesty I wasn’t being pleasured but you were so that’s all that “really mattered”. In the after events of coming home, we’d still fight yet this time you were officially done. I gradually started opening up about what had happened to me, yet no knew the severity of it. I went back to being suicidal like I was 8 years ago. I became, mentally unstable and barely able to function in and out of school and work. Because, I had felt ashamed and began to blame myself as if it “were my fault” for his actions. People who became involved consisted of my stepmother, stepbrother and brother’s girlfriend. These three people pushed me that much closer to feeling misunderstood. My brother’s girlfriend became heavily involved, being what seemed like “sympathetic” was all but a lie. She gradually began understanding what had happened and how traumatized I was yet continued following my ex via Instagram and all his new girlfriends. How sympathetic is that? She knew that even though this event occurred I had developed feelings for him. Who gives a person a promise ring and thinks absolutely nothing of it? I sure didn’t. My stepmother started realizing what my ex had done but was still able to tell me along with my brother’s girlfriend “You need to get over it”. My friends had known what happened, held my hand and talked me through it everyday and even acknowledged I needed help. So why couldn’t my stepmother and J be as supportive? It got so bad that at one point my stepmother and J began telling me “What happened to you happened, it didn’t happen to us.” What the fuck? So you’re meaning to tell me, your ex raped you but since this didn’t happen to us we can still talk and have affiliations with him. Coming out to my brother, he had become upset but I wasn’t expecting my brother to take his side. He had said, you should’ve told me sooner, that’s practically my family when I left to the Marine Corp he was the only there for me. So am I not your family? I assumed, I’m your sister you should be protecting me for better or worse but you didn’t. All these three people, pushed me to an ultimate point in my life where I didn’t feel as if I’d graduate high school. I couldn’t study without crying, I couldn’t go out without speaking of it. I was unstable the whole year of 2017.

Where I stand today
Today, I am 18 years old going on 19 I have graduated high school June 2nd, 2017 and am currently attending community college majoring in Dietetics. I work and pay my own bills and have been seeing a therapist who has helped me significantly heal. She has told me to cut affiliations with my 2nd family and only keep in touch with my father as he has been my only supporter throughout all of this. Today I remain humble and happy, I have finally been able to slowly but surely heal each and every day. Lastly, thank you Dillian, for breaking me down but allowing me to build myself up. I hope you find the help you need and better yourself. I also want to say thank you, to those of you who’ve made it this far into my story. If you or someone you know is suffering from being raped, support them, believe them, hold their hand and get them the help they need. I never reported my case because I know that one day everything he did to me will come right back to him.

Thank you, Ashley