No. If this is really goodbye, if this is really the end of us ever speaking to each other again, seeing each other, the chance of being an item again or just friends, I have to end this right. I need the closure. I need to get everything out of my chest and to let it all go. I need you to know all of it. Even if it is out of order and makes no chronological sense, I need you to know everything.

First, I just need to ask you, do you remember everything between us? Do you ever think about how we have a story?

Do you remember the first night we met in person?

Do you remember the first time we hugged? Where we rested our heads on our shoulders, holding each other ever so close and tightly? Do you remember what you first said to me, “Hey baby, smile for me?” And in that moment we looked into each others eyes, all stood silent, and slowly lowered our gazes to our lips, and we shared our first kiss? Do you remember how soft and gentle it was, and we shared even more after?

Do you remember of our first date, where we walked arm in arm on the first of December in the freezing cold on Nassau Street, and ultimately found ourselves eating ice cream outside of Thomas Sweets? Do you remember when I joked about leaving you and started walking away, only to come back and sit ever so close to you, where we found ourselves leaning into each other? Do you remember us walking around the Princeton campus, and everytime I leaned my head onto your shoulder you planted a kiss on my cheek and told me either how cute or beautiful I was? Do you remember when you stopped, took my arm, and pulled me aside to kiss me? Did you ever feel the spark I did? Did you know how uncomfortable I felt when instead of my waist you grabbed my butt and I just had to laugh it off and tell you to take it to the car?

Do you remember us making out in the car that night? Even though I wanted us to take it slow and I just wanted us to trace each others curves are for you to grab my waist so gently, you went straight for my breast? Do you remember me telling you I don’t give myself that easily to people and I prefer to take it slow but I let you touch my breast bare? Even though I liked it did you know how uncomfortable it was initially? Do you remember how you asked to finger me and I said no because it was too soon? But then you went ahead and dry fingered me and I got so turned on by the heat of the moment I let you go on? Do you remember even though I said no you still tried to get into my pants and I had to stop your hand from doing so? Do you remember how you stopped kissing me, we looked into each others eyes, placed our hands on each others cheeks, you asked if I was ok and then you asked to see me smile?

Do you remember the second time we met? You drove from your lawyers office and stopped by my house? Do you remember stretching your arms out for a hug, looking me right in the eyes as I was being all shy and coy? Do you remember me burying myself into your chest, the both of us not letting go? Do you remember how cute and tiny I felt in comparison to yourself? Do you remember in the car how we were cuddling, me resting my head on your legs, and you resting your head on my stomach? Do you remember us pulling into each other for cute little kisses, us telling each other how much we missed each other? Do you remember how upset you were and how you asked if I thought you were a good person and I told you to come into my arms, I gave you kisses, and told you how much I admired you? Do you remember me sitting on your lap, us hugging and kissing the entire time? Do you remember how we goofed off with you carrying me around like I was a princess?

What about the time I picked you up from the train station? Do you remember how you cutely used to squish and play with my cheeks? Do you remember how you would constantly criticize my driving, and how I would goof off and exaggerate my driving skills because you were so annoying and I wanted to annoy you more, and we both bursted into laughter? Do you remember how we were driving and I told you I got my heartbroken on New Years in middle school and you made fun of me? And when I pulled my hand away each time, you pulled it closer and gave me kisses, and eventually we both started laughing about it? Do you remember when we pulled over in the parking lot together? Did you ever think about how uncomfortable I was when you asked me to take my shirt off? But then you got me so horny and you took yours off so I obliged? Do you remember how uncomfortable and awkward I was because I usually am never comfortable giving myself as fast as I did with you because I trusted you? Do you remember when you looked at me in my bra and stared at me in awe? And you slowly laying me down in the comfort of your arms? Do you remember asking me if you could finger me again and even though I was scared and hesitant I said yes because I was so infatuated with you and thought I could trust you? Did you know how rough and not gentle you were when you fingered me? But then at one point it felt good? Do you remember when I told you I was scared but then you told me to look into your eye and kiss you? Do you remember when we finished, we realized we fogged up the car?

How about the time I had just come back from Italy and came to see you? Do you remember how we both said we missed each other so much? Do you remember at your house when I came out of the car to open my arms up to you for a big hug, you shooed me to get back in the car because you didn’t want to risk your grandmother seeing me? Do you remember when you came into the car I leaped into your arms and gave you a big, long kiss, and all you said back was, just give me a second? Do you remember when we got to Dunkin Donuts I made you look me in the eyes and promise me you didn’t rape her? And you looked me straight in the eyes and without hesitation you promised me you didn’t and pulled me in close, face to face? Do you remember you telling me how much you missed me when I was gone, even though things were tense between us when I was in Italy? Do you remember how afraid you and I were of losing each other, and we promised each other we weren’t? Do you remember me burying myself into you with a hug and you pulling me in tight? Do you remember me resting my head on your lap, us looking into each other’s eyes, and you showering me with cute little kisses? Or when I let you come into my arms, played with your hair, told you you have beautiful eyes, and showering you with love and affection as well as cuddles and kisses? Do you remember me taking my shirt off for you and letting you unhook my bra because I trusted you? Do you remember feeling each other’s embrace? You doing all kinds of things to my breasts? Do you remember I told you specifically I wasn’t ready to feel your dick, but you slid my hand down your pants anyways? Do you then remember sliding your hand down my pants, and then when you painfully attempted to finger me again I screamed, and removed my hand from your pants and told you to stop because you hurt me? And then you sweetly apologized and asked me if I wanted to stop and said yes and you said it was ok and gave me a kiss?

Did you ever realize the reason I got angry when you said that you did this with so many girls was because you made it seem like what we did just wasn’t special to you like it was to me?

Do you remember then you criticized my driving again and it really tipped me off because I was already angry at you from earlier? Did you remember the gift I gave you from Italy? Even though it was small, did you realize I wanted to make a little gesture because I cared? Did you truly ever appreciate it?

Do you remember the start of when we were fighting, and out of surprise, you dropped the L bomb on me? Did you know I was going to hook up with Zeke that day but I decided not to because you texted me that you “missed me” and “really needed to see me” so I drove all the way down to see you? Do you remember I pushed you away when you were about to give me a hug, made you look me in the eyes and tell me what you really felt about me, and then you looked me straight in the eyes, without hesitation, and said,

“I love you”

Do you know how hard it is for me to say it back because of all the times I’ve been hurt, but that night I said it back to you?

Do you remember me getting so emotional as I said it back and me leaping into your arms, us passionately kissing? Do you remember us apologizing to each other, giving each other kisses on the lips, cheeks, hands, nuzzling up into each other? Do you remember our cute tickle fight? Where I poked fun at your stomach for your lack of abs? Do you remember after this emotional moment you made a remark like, “I only have five minutes for you” after I drove 35 minutes down south to see you? Do you remember just going straight for my breast when in my head I honestly just wanted you to respectful hold my waist? Do you remember then going in my shirt to grab my tit without my consent, but I really believed you loved me so I felt ok and let it go and trusted that you meant it? Do you remember even though there were still mixed feelings in the air you went ahead and pulled my bra down to suck my tit without my consent when I honestly just wanted to take things slow? But I told myself that you loved me and let that go too?

Do you remember the pictures we took that night? They’re attached in the email that I’m sending you. You can take a look.

Can you believe all of this stuff in person, just took up 5-6 days, because that is literally ALL the time you have made to see me?

What about our texts and snaps? There’s no way I can remember each and every single one. You can look at the screenshots attached in the email. Do you remember all the cute conversations we had? Do you remember all the cute nicknames you called me? Do you remember the last time you called me beautiful? Do you remember snapping and texting me for HOURS at a time because you WANTED to, which showed me you really cared at that time? Do you remember checking in on me at random times to make sure I’m smiling? Do you remember at the randomest of times you would send me paragraph-long texts about how much you care about me? Or how thankful you were to have me in your life, how I stuck by your side through your tough times even though it was extremely controversial which went against most of my beliefs and most people would leave when they hear something like you could potentially be a rapist?

Did you ever realize how much I loved those paragraphs and how special they made me feel? Did you ever think I actually didn’t take them for granted.

What about the phone calls, again, where I can’t even recall all of them because there were so many, do you ever think about them? Our hour long conversations? How you would always say goodnight mama/sweetie in your sleepy voice, or how you would tell me how much you would love bugging me at 1 am because of how cute I sound with my sleepy voice? What about when I would be stressed or get in a fight with my family, where I’m crying, and you would call me just to make sure by the end I had a smile on my face?

It pains me too much to read over and screenshot all the bad we had. Do you remember all the fights? The little ones which are the result of a greater conflict between us?

Did you realize having just met in November, our little fights started even as early as December. Did you know a month of our 3 month relationship was just spent fighting?

Did it ever occur to you that even the littlest of things you say make me cry? When you called me a dumb bitch, or something of that sort, multiple times even as a joke, it really hurt?

Did it ever occur to you that when my friends were practically BFFs with their boyfriends families it had to be the guy I’M dating that didn’t even want his to know of my existence, how much that hurt?

Did it ever occur to you that I was HURT when I was just the “girl you were talking to” according to your friends and nothing more?

Did you ever realize that the reason I was so hurt by prom was not because I’m selfish or salty but because when I saw all of my friends boyfriends taking them to prom it made me ask myself, what is so WRONG with me, that the GUY I’M DATING doesn’t want to take me? Like why is it just me?

From what you have said, even if your parents had said yes, even if you told your parents that prom was such a big deal because I was the girl you were dating, I bet you still wouldn’t have gone because you aren’t in the mood. That shows you lie when you say you care and love me, because if you really did, my happiness would’ve been more important than your “mood”.

With the 1% chance you actually do care, do love me, and want something to work out between us, I would never ask you to change yourself, because despite everything I love who you are as a person, but I would ask that while I have been putting literally all the work into changing some of my bad habits to help strengthen and fix our problems, you could do the same and meet me halfway. Please. These are my conditions if you really care and want us to be together:
The most important of all- your family and friends need to be on board that I’m a part of your life as your GIRLFRIEND, nothing less. Ok, if your parents are really that strict, then your siblings need to be on board as all 3 of them are adults. I would in a heartbeat introduce you to my family and ask you to come over for dinner soon because you and I have known each other for so long.
Dozens of pictures of us. And you shouldn’t be afraid to put me on snap/insta. Because I’m not and I have with you.
You’ve taken me on one actual date. And it was a half ass date because you could only spare 1.5 hrs for me. Do you remember what you promised me? That after the trial you would make more time for me. No, if there’s a second chance you are going to take me on multiple, hours+ dates. restaurants, movies, beach, NYC, cuddle/stay in dates, you name it. Hooking up in my car is not a date. We need to actually DO something and GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
Equal effort, which was lacking. If I make a drive you make a drive. If I pay you pay the next time. If I plan a date you plan a date. If I work on myself you work on yourself. If I work to fix conflict you have to work to fix conflict. Etc.
Texts/calls. Even on a busy day. Can’t you take 10 seconds to reach out to someone you love?
If there’s something that’s important to me can you be there for me? I’d do the same for you anyday even if its not my thing. Even if you don’t get why it’s important, don’t be a dick about it. If not prom…theres a wedding coming up…my grad coming up…
Equal appreciation, even if it’s not a big deal to you
Compliments
More affection, less tough love
Even small romantic gestures are nice. Everyone loves a gesture. I’d do it for you, even if its small
Don’t ever stop saying I love you
Once we reach a stable emotional place, I want to be more physical with you

You know, out of everyone I know, only one person thinks I should give you a chance. That person is my mom. So since you both respect each other and you said you admire her, why don’t you call or text her if you “care” so much about me. Why don’t you tell her how much you care about me, how sorry you are for hurting me, how sorry you are that you never met her and never came to anything she invited you to, and ask her when you could stop by and talk to me in person to help fix this mess? Here, have her number***********, and her other one which she texted you from ************. Calling is more meaningful than text.

99% of me knows that this is really the end. But you know stupidly, 1% of me wishes and thinks it might not be, and I feel so weak and stupid. Do you have any idea how much I fantasize that you actually are going to come back? That you will actually come to my doorstep and tell me you love me and you want to fix this? Do you realize I actually want you to do this, I want you to say you love me and I want you to want to fix this? Do you realize that I want you to come to even come to my school to beg for a second chance? Do you realize I fantasize about going on dates with you? I fantasize the day I meet all of your family members- Hiral, Harshit, Mohit, your mom Nayana, dad Kiran, your brother in law, your future sister in law Bhumika, the day you finally tell your family. Now that I know we have a family friend in common, Puja Aggarwal, I fantasize the day we coincidentally meet at her house. Do you how much I think about physical with you? How much I want you to kiss and cuddle with me? Do know how much I want to have sex with you, how much I want you to be my first time? But you know what the fear is? That once I give myself to you, you leave me, even more broken than before. My first kiss left me in 3 weeks, my first time leaving would crush me. Do you know how much I think about you ever meeting my family, my friends, my family friends? Being there for me at all of these events as my date, me proudly showing everyone I have an amazing boyfriend? Do you have any idea how much false hope I got when you texted me for my birthday? Do you know how hard it was to tell you no when you asked to hang out again? Do you realize how much I want to see you?

But you know, none of this is gonna happen, is it? You are going to tell me you never cared. You lied when you said you loved me. You’re not willing to change and work things out. That I’m not important to you. That I’m useless and pathetic. That you used me for your own benefit. You’re never going to meet my family nor will I meet yours. It’s a shame, I’m committing to Temple probably tomorrow, which isn’t far from your place, Mercer, or TCNJ, at least for the first year. We could’ve probably at least been good friends. Maybe once all my emotions are out, maybe I’ll 100% forget about everything. Maybe I’ll stop feeling the pain I do. Maybe once I realize you can’t make time to see me in the next week, it means even when you’re on your summer break, there is not even 1% chance that you are gonna visit me then. Maybe I need this deadline to help myself realize you’re never going to come back.

How could you not defend us when Zeke confronted you? How could you not?

You did use me. I can tell you that. Because when I was there for you when you could have possibly RAPED a girl. And when I needed you, you left me. You forgot about me. How could you?? Yes Ishaan, you have been through a lot, but have you realized how much I’ve been through?

I lost my dad at 10 years old and ever since then my extended family treats us like crap. You had it good at school, surrounded by friends that love you, you belonged. Me? I’ve lost all of them, I wonder if I had any. I constantly dealt with social issues and was bullied my entire sophomore year, driving me to the point of being on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and suicidal thoughts. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to be friends with at school because I’m not a star athlete like you? Guys have treated me like shit, they keep hurting me. You think I want you to be like my exs? I honestly thought and wanted you to be different, but you are turning out to be the same. Did you ever see my self harm scars or kiss them? Do you know how my senior year started off? My mom hit me, the state came and almost took me away from my family, I started off the year completely alone, and when Akash was all I had and he left me, I had an active plan to kill myself? And if I hadn’t pushed on and eventually met you I probably would be dead right now.

Maybe you didn’t assault that girl. Maybe. But I could see why any girl is afraid of you. You make girls feel uncomfortable. You can be extremely heartless. You’ve done things without my consent. You’re extremely toxic. You would always make it feel everything is my fault. You make me cry more than you realize. You’re family is right, and my psychologist agrees: you need help. You need to talk to someone because you hurt people that love and care for you.

My mom and psych are professionals. If they can make time to text/call their loved ones, you can too. Don’t even try to prove yourself right. You’re not a doc. You’re a freshman in college.

Sometimes I wonder if breaking up with me was your easy way out. Now that you’ve established it, you’re free. Each time I hear you had a free day or you’re going to a party I can’t help but to find myself thinking that could have been us hanging out. Now you have an excuse to be so heartless to me. You act like just because we broke up means that your feelings were erased. That’s not how it works. Either they’re still there, or they never were, like I’m 99% sure of.

I’ll never be sure why you lied to me about what you felt. Why you like playing mind games with me. Maybe you could answer that in person and give me the closure.

Hopefully you read all of this, because hopefully there’s still 1% of decency left in you. If you don’t that would really suck. If you show this to your jock friends and all make fun of me for being some psycho that would really suck and hurt, especially because you’re the reason I’m doing this. If you make fun of this with the next THOT or multiple THOTS you decide to fuck (because remember, you wasn’t it you who said you usually “would fuck a chick and be out”?), that would really, really suck and hurt. It would be so unfair, because you may think that I’m being salty, which partly I am, but you don’t realize I’ve been trying to write and gather my thoughts for three days now, unable to study for my exams or focus on anything else, because you broke me, Ishaan. You have absolutely no idea how much you’ve hurt me. I’m crying as I can’t believe it has come to this and that you’ve hurt me so bad. Hopefully if this is really over, and once I get everything out, I’ll be 100% completely over you, and forget this ever happened, and would stop being hopeful that you are going to come back to me even just as a friend.

I’ve texted and emailed this to you. Because everytime you respond through text we get into this vicious toxic cycle, of where you say shit that makes me get all weak and make me come crawling back to you and then you start your shit again, I have to keep your number on silent and force myself to not read any virtual response. I refuse to read anything you text/snap/email me because of the vicious cycle and 50/50 game I play called does he love me does he love me not. I’m sorry I had to block you, it’s too painful knowing you’re probably not gonna come back to me. Maybe one day I’ll unblock your number, see if you ever think about me and try to reach out, but that’s not gonna happen, is it. I’m sorry. If you really want to fix this, it has to be at my doorstep, face to face. Here’s my address again: ********************. You have until Sunday the 7th night (my spring break ends later than I thought).

If you really, felt no emotion reading this, no need to come and see me face to face, you really are a heartless monster.