Andy

When we broke up, I only thought of the bad times with you, never the good, maybe, no,yes there was more bad than good, but when it was good it was so fucking amazing, like I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I never regret thinking or feeling that. I just regret how we ended, that maybe just maybe I made you feel like you couldn’t open up or maybe you were just a coward, no you was a coward, you couldn’t handle what had happened to me and decided to take the easy way out- cheat. I have held in so much anger and pure hatred for so long. I have never felt so much love and so much anger at the same time; but I think now writing this letter (that you will probably never read) will help me really move on because I have avoided speaking about the good about our relationship and blocked out my emotions that I only had time to be strong.

I remember the time when I slept at your house for the first time and you fell asleep holding me in your arms, and I felt so safe and protected, then I woke up just before you did and your back was turned to me and you was quietly snoring, peacefully and In that moment I realised that I could wake up to you every morning until we grew old, together. And the many times you slept at mine, I was so excited to fall asleep against your tender skin, and to awake next to that beautiful face of yours. Your gorgeous brown eyes, and that fucking precious smile, you filled my heart with love and for that I am eternally grateful.

I thank you for loving me though your family didnt like me and I cant imagine how hard that could’ve been because I knew how important family was to you but you didn’t care as long as you had me. I thank you for putting up with me even at times where you probably would’ve given up sooner. I thank you for loving all my flaws and imperfections even at times when I couldnt look at myself in the mirror. After all those kebabs we ate, you still reassured me I wasnt getting fat, even when I had no make up on you’d still act as if I was the most beautiful girl on the earth.

Its nice to talk about the good times for once, Normally I’m sitting at my window trying to think of all the ways I could hurt you like the way you hurt me because the way you did was unexplainable, indescribable but god, I haven’t felt pain like it. I remember feeling like I wouldn’t be able to survive without you and that was a very dark stage of my life and ever since I’ve promised to myself that I will never go back there. And that is why now, I have decided that maybe if I write it all down that it will be a lot more easier to get over you.
I have my good and bad months, normally the months which were significant in our relationship, our anniversary, our birthdays etc.

However you do need to realise this: you treated me like I was nothing, you manipulated and took advantage of me, you whispered sweet words into my heart which you then later shredded into pieces using your teeth like a lion eating his prey. But. I was your prey. I admit I gave too much of myself away to you but you allowed me to believe all the lies you told me, planning our future together. At times you made me feel so worthless that I was going to take my life just to make you happy. I felt lost, I didn’t know what do to next so I used to just lay there in the dark and just cry. I woke up every morning feeling like absolute shit and that became my norm. I told myself no man will ever love me I mean how could they?

I have learnt that a “rebound” wont replace you and wont fill the space which you once took, and no matter how many times I say I’m over you, I’m not. This has been a massive rollercoaster, but I’m ready to get off it for good and jump on another one (not literally) but a new chapter in my life. I want to thank you for helping me find my worth, for bringing me back to myself. Thank you for giving me the chance to find myself again. Thank you for allowing me to love myself again.Even though I will never forgive you for what you did I hope you are happy with Jennifer. Because the longer I stay onto this anger, I am only destroying myself but I’m the one who deserves to be happy now. I will one day find someone who worships the ground I walk on, and will treat me how I should be treated, and when that day comes you wont cross my mind anymore

I miss you with every beat of my heart, but it time to put us to rest. . I am starting my journey to discovery, Until we meet again
Love, Aleah